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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

309 replies

Curlywurly92 · 10/02/2026 14:26

Hi all,
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I could use some advice. I’m in a relationship, but I’m facing some real challenges when it comes to boundaries and my space at home.
I bought my house before I got together with my partner, and I pay the mortgage myself. Since I moved in, my partner wasn’t really in the picture at the time, but now that we’ve been together for a while, things have shifted, especially with his daughter and the ongoing drama with his ex.
Here’s where things get tricky: I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever, However, I feel like everything is being shaped around her needs now, even though she’s due to be there every other wknd pending a court applciation. The bigger issue is this extra bedroom, which I had used for my things—wardrobes, personal items, you name it. My partner when he first moved in started using it for his daughter’s stuff, and I feel like my space is just being taken over, and told her it was her bedroom. I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her, and now I’m left feeling like I don’t have any room for myself.
When my partner’s daughter first started staying with us, it was forced by her mum. We live far away, and when she was about 3, she was forced into a car for a 40-minute drive around 7 pm. It just doesn’t feel like a good situation all around.She hated coming.
On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place. So, now it feels like all the pressure is on me to make the living situation work, including the constant worry about the court order related to his ex and his daughter. I feel like I’m the one making all the sacrifices, and my home has become a battleground when I just wanted it to be a place for me to feel comfortable.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where your space has been completely shaped by your partner’s kids or ex? How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?

OP posts:
Endofyear · 10/02/2026 14:49

So has he moved in permanently or just as a stopgap to getting his own place? To be fair, you allowed him to move in and you know he has a child so it's reasonable for a spare room to be used as somewhere for his daughter to sleep. Where do you suggest her stuff goes if it's not in this room?

If you don't want the inconvenience of his child staying there, you'll have to tell him to move out.

Don't get involved in his custody arrangements/court orders etc, this is not your problem to sort out, it is his.

beadystar · 10/02/2026 14:52

You’ll have to tell him to go home to his parents and look for his own place. I’d nearly do it for you, the cheek of him. Sorry OP but this sounds like a cocklodger situation that is amazing for him but not working for you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/02/2026 14:53

He's hobosexual. But you've chosen this.

His DD needs a room, he has to provide one. He needs to get a 2-bedroom flat. Like a grown-up. It's not complicated.

Original poster
Curlywurly92 · 10/02/2026 14:55

rogueone · 10/02/2026 14:34

jesus, where did he live before? was he homeless when you met? As @Cheekycoffee has said he really has landed on his feet. It is only working out for him, what are you getting from this relationship. it sounds like a load of stress and not alot else

Yes i have 2 spare rooms-I decorated for guests ( who I have regularly inclduing my my mum when she visits or fancies a glass of wine) and i have another spare room for extra clothes, wardrobes and general stuff - this is the room she used to stay in now and again, but when the mum illegally took her out of the country i sold the bed and relcaimed the room back. So far its the same, and now the kid is back trying to reclaim the room.

OP posts:
AnneBoleynsNecklace · 10/02/2026 14:58

Get rid of him and reclaim your home

ERthree · 10/02/2026 14:59

Curlywurly92 · 10/02/2026 14:55

Yes i have 2 spare rooms-I decorated for guests ( who I have regularly inclduing my my mum when she visits or fancies a glass of wine) and i have another spare room for extra clothes, wardrobes and general stuff - this is the room she used to stay in now and again, but when the mum illegally took her out of the country i sold the bed and relcaimed the room back. So far its the same, and now the kid is back trying to reclaim the room.

Show quote history

I really don't think you should be in this ( or any child's) life.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/02/2026 14:59

You’re beginning to sound as awful as he is, and thus maybe well matched. ‘The kid’? ‘Reclaim?’ This is your partners daughter who would of course think a bedroom in her fathers house was her own. If you don’t like her thinking that, then the solution is that he moves out, as you obviously wouldn’t be so vile as to not make a child feel welcome in her own fathers home.
and by ‘illegally took her out if the country’ do you in fact mean ‘her mother took her daughter on holiday (given her father does fuck all parenting)’

Cheekycoffee · 10/02/2026 15:00

For the sake of this little girl, tell him he needs to get his own place. You don’t want her around and next time you start dating - ensure person doesn’t have or want children

Original poster
Curlywurly92 · 10/02/2026 15:00

Cheekycoffee · 10/02/2026 14:39

How often is his child over?

At the moment, she wants to visit quite frequently, especially on Saturdays. We’ve submitted a court application proposing every other weekend, but this is mainly because her biological mother has told her that if she ever goes to her dad’s parents (whom she dislikes because they reported her to social services), she will never see her dad again.She spends a lot of time at his parents cos they are the only grandparents she has, and at the moment she doesnt think she can go there sooo..... she wants to come here cos her dad is here.

OP posts:
Cheekycoffee · 10/02/2026 15:00

How lovely that you told your partner he could change the duvet in your guest room for his daughter! Wow

ChalkOrCheese · 10/02/2026 15:03

Come on, you started out with "I pay the mortgage" and finished with "he pays almost half the outgoings".

So if he pays about half, what did you think would happen?

You've been totally unclear IMO that you see him as renting a space in your house, rather than telling him you aren't moving in together, paying an almost equal share and having equal access to space. So I can see why he thinks the bedroom is going to mostly be used as a bedroom for his dd. In your own words you "let him decide how it should be arranged for her".

Basically he may not be the arsehole he was first portrayed as and you need a very honest conversation about your relationship and living status. Do you want a fully shared home with fully shared costs, potentially with him named on the mortgage when hisnfinances are settled and is that going to be your existing house or a new one? Or do you want him to move out? Realistically he can't rent your room amd run another home and his DD should be his priority.

Anonomoso · 10/02/2026 15:05

I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever,

I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her

This was your downfall. You lead him to believe that it was ok and let him continue.

Whether you're a man or woman, in a relationship with someone that has DC in most cases there's going to be a time when those DC will be seeing their non resident parent which if includes overnight stays the DC will need somewhere to sleep. By moving the parent of a DC into your own home, unless your DP has somewhere else to go for the duration, you have to take into consideration that you need to also make space for the DC.

Sunfloweranddaisy · 10/02/2026 15:05

Apart from paying for utilities etc what does he bring to the table? What’s your relationship like?

Tbh sounds like he landed on his feet a good job with perks and now a home for him and his daughter. sounds a right catch.

pinksavannah · 10/02/2026 15:05

Curlywurly92 · 10/02/2026 14:43

Yes, I do, but I don't think I should be the primary provider of accommodation for his daughter. I shouldn't be expected to give up a room in my house for her when she only stays every other weekend.

Show quote history

He’s your Partner and lives with you, if you don’t want to give up a room in your own house for this daughter then he needs to not live with you

what do your propose he do, go to a hotel every other weekend with her ?

and it’s been this way since she was 3 , I’m sorry but that poor girl , she will know you don’t want her there and will pick up on that so no wonder she didn’t want to come and stay

I’m not saying it’s your fault , it’s on your partner , but for the sake of the very young child ask him to leave as your not willing to give up your space for his child
( perfectly reasonable BTW but you can’t have him stay but not his child )

mustreadmorebooks · 10/02/2026 15:06

Yes, I have been in that position except I had DC of my own. Everything became about him and accommodating his DDs wishes. I handled it by ending it. It is not on you to provide a home for him or his DD.

ChalkOrCheese · 10/02/2026 15:06

And sorry but its utterly ridiculous that you're saying both "we've submitted a court application" and that you want the spare room back for yourself. Where the eff is the child in the crossfire supposed to go if the court application goes your way?

You're too serious and involved about a boyfriend IMO.

NutButterOnToast · 10/02/2026 15:06

You clearly don't want to live with a child and that's fine HOWEVER you should have been clear about this when he moved in.

So if DD visiting and having a space of her own is an issue, your DP needs to find his own place.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2026 15:09

How old is his daughter now?

lap90 · 10/02/2026 15:10

Curlywurly92 · 10/02/2026 14:43

Yes, I do, but I don't think I should be the primary provider of accommodation for his daughter. I shouldn't be expected to give up a room in my house for her when she only stays every other weekend.

Show quote history

Then tell him this so he can make alternative arrangements and decide if he wants to continue the relationship too.

Starlight1979 · 10/02/2026 15:12

Oh for gods sake not another one 😭

amber763 · 10/02/2026 15:13

pinksavannah · 10/02/2026 15:05

He’s your Partner and lives with you, if you don’t want to give up a room in your own house for this daughter then he needs to not live with you

what do your propose he do, go to a hotel every other weekend with her ?

and it’s been this way since she was 3 , I’m sorry but that poor girl , she will know you don’t want her there and will pick up on that so no wonder she didn’t want to come and stay

I’m not saying it’s your fault , it’s on your partner , but for the sake of the very young child ask him to leave as your not willing to give up your space for his child
( perfectly reasonable BTW but you can’t have him stay but not his child )

Show quote history

This. If you want to live with him, he pays half of costs and if you are happy and want to stay in the relationship then I dont think its unreasonable for one of your two spare rooms to be for his daughter however you obviously dont want her to have a room at your house so tell him that he will have to move out.

Oneborneverydecade · 10/02/2026 15:14

"now the kid is back trying to reclaim the room"

I don't think you're cut out to be a step parent

Original poster
Curlywurly92 · 10/02/2026 15:16

arethereanyleftatall · 10/02/2026 14:59

You’re beginning to sound as awful as he is, and thus maybe well matched. ‘The kid’? ‘Reclaim?’ This is your partners daughter who would of course think a bedroom in her fathers house was her own. If you don’t like her thinking that, then the solution is that he moves out, as you obviously wouldn’t be so vile as to not make a child feel welcome in her own fathers home.
and by ‘illegally took her out if the country’ do you in fact mean ‘her mother took her daughter on holiday (given her father does fuck all parenting)’

To be clear, this is my home—I own it and personally fund all renovations. While I have consistently prioritised the daughter’s comfort over my own needs to ensure she feels welcome, there are necessary boundaries that come with a blended family and a shared living space.
Regarding the holiday, there is significant context missing here. The mother has a history of blocking contact for months at a time and previously left the country for eight months without communication. This isn't a simple 'parenting' issue; it is a pattern of deliberate parental alienation that makes navigating these dynamics incredibly difficult. I am not being insensitive; I am being realistic about a complex situation you do not have the full details of.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 10/02/2026 15:16

The living arrangements aren't working for you, the homeowner, so it's time for him to find himself a place for he and his daughter.

He and his daughter are 2 extra people in your space and you should have expected he'd be wanting room for his kid to stay and that you would have much less space of your own in your home. Of course you feel squeezed out. There's 2 of them and one of you and they've taken over what was your space. It sounds like he just glommed onto you for a place to live for the two of them, but it's not working, it sounds like he's taking a lot for granted here, and it's just not a living arrangement that works for you.

BillieWiper · 10/02/2026 15:19

He doesn't have his own place? As in he's homeless? If he doesn't live with you I don't understand why his daughter would have a room in your home.
So presumably he moved in by stealth? Your bf and his child are not your responsibility. It seems he's just using you for a convenient free home for him and his child.
Tell them both to go away and get their own house. What a lazy bum he sounds.