Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

[Curlywurly92]

Hi all,
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I could use some advice. I’m in a relationship, but I’m facing some real challenges when it comes to boundaries and my space at home.
I bought my house before I got together with my partner, and I pay the mortgage myself. Since I moved in, my partner wasn’t really in the picture at the time, but now that we’ve been together for a while, things have shifted, especially with his daughter and the ongoing drama with his ex.
Here’s where things get tricky: I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever, However, I feel like everything is being shaped around her needs now, even though she’s due to be there every other wknd pending a court applciation. The bigger issue is this extra bedroom, which I had used for my things—wardrobes, personal items, you name it. My partner when he first moved in started using it for his daughter’s stuff, and I feel like my space is just being taken over, and told her it was her bedroom. I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her, and now I’m left feeling like I don’t have any room for myself.
When my partner’s daughter first started staying with us, it was forced by her mum. We live far away, and when she was about 3, she was forced into a car for a 40-minute drive around 7 pm. It just doesn’t feel like a good situation all around.She hated coming.
On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place. So, now it feels like all the pressure is on me to make the living situation work, including the constant worry about the court order related to his ex and his daughter. I feel like I’m the one making all the sacrifices, and my home has become a battleground when I just wanted it to be a place for me to feel comfortable.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where your space has been completely shaped by your partner’s kids or ex? How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?

what is DP?

I think if you want to live with your DP you have to accommodate his daughter. I don’t think giving her her own room is unreasonable if all it was previously being used for is wardrobes etc and you have another spare room. I think she needs her own space more than you need to keep old clothes! And if you want some space when she’s visiting better if she has her own comfortable room to retreat to.

That said I think your partner could help out by maybe renting a storage unit etc.

And if you don’t like it then of course it’s open to you to ask your partner to move out and rent somewhere with his own child or go back to his parents. What you can’t do though is carry on the relationship with him and make his daughter feel like a burden/ unwelcome- that would be cruel.

If he lives with you there has to be space for his DD. However, he doesn't have to live with you to have a relationship with you.

What do you want to happen?
He stays and you have a conversation about what works for you in your house (it's her room with her things that can be put away when she's not there, and it also remains an office/dressing room for you)?
She never comes?
He sees her somewhere else? At his parents?
He moves out?

Tell us what you'd like to happen in an ideal world and then we can go from there

Did you arrange the job for him as well?

Actually I think you’re kind of misunderstanding what everyone is saying! Everyone is agreeing with you that you shouldn’t have to do this if you don’t want. And so you just need to kick him out. We’re all just kind of getting wound up that you can’t see that it’s your partners fault, not the ex!

So what do you suggest? Because your partner doesn't have a house.

This is the same as every family where the parents live apart. Our house is full of DSDs stuff even though she doesn't live with us primarily. But that's just the way it is when you are with someone with children.

fgs.

this is all entirely of your own making. if you don't want to provide a home for him and his kid then don't. you own a house and decided to let him stay and he pays utility only so he doesn't get an interest in your home.

his child stays when she sees him and he has made effort to decorate the spare room where he lives and pays rent to you. again this is a child you knew existed when you let him move in.

these are all decisions you made. you can change your mind at any time.

When what is my partner provide?

Don't blame us and get annoyed! You are the one allowing this situation!

Get rid of him if you need to ask that question

Is it not okay for her to stay in the guest room, like she used to? She has unlimited space and her own belongings in there—her own duvet, lamp, books, and toys. Is that a problem? I pack everything away when I have friends or family staying, and when she leavesI just take it all back out. So, am I not allowed to do that because my partner can’t even offer her the same?he least? I am carrying all this alone, he doesn't have to comprimise anything or sacrifice or pay for his accomodation??!!!!!

I can understand you feeling under siege, and that you are in a minority in your own home.

But it's hard to see what the solution is here.

If you want him to live with you, the it's natural that he wants his daughter to have a room there, especially as he pays half the rent or bills.

If you don't want his daughter to have a room, then you need to tell him so he can make plans to move out.

What do you want to happen, ideally?

and her toys can't go in an underbed toy box when she's not there?

What do you want the actual situation to be?

You say you want to stay with him, but you don’t want to give up space for his dd to stay, is that right?

Are you happy for her to stay as long as her stuff goes home with her? What stuff are you referring to? What things of yours do you need to keep in that room?

Maybe a solution would be to have a chest/box that you keep her belongings in, and your partner can just set the room up for her when she’s coming over. Once she’s gone, he puts it all back to how it was. An ottoman bed would give you extra storage space if you don’t have one already.

Imo he is using you and your home to preface to a judge he is stable and has a suitable place to have his dc...
You used the phrase 'we' regarding court. Step back op.
Honestly ime he is using you.

do you want him to move out? yes or no?

OP, how spectacularly foolish you are being allowing yourself to be so used.

You couldn't possibly have boundaries and allowed this user to move in an co op'd your house for him and his child.

You obviously desperate for a man, him desperate for the cheapest housing.
How romantic, not!

You could be any woman with a house.

He moves in quickly and now will be all "how mean of you to make a fuss, my poor child".

You have been had, and you will continue to be used for as long as you lack self respect and self esteem.

If you had either, you wouldn't be in this situation.

You would have seen him as the walking user red flag he is.

Apologies if that is harsh but "there is no man as keen, as one looking for a home".

You have been had.
Send them both home to his parents and end it, or continue to be used for housing.

Your choice.Best of luck to you.
MN is full of such tales.

Reading your updates there's a lot going on here and each situation needs a different course of action.

The DC and your bedroom, seems you've kind of sorted that, but if you're still not happy with the outcome its best that you encourage your DP to find a place of his own.

The court case is in the hands of the gods, so out of your control.

The Ex....sounds like this at the moment is really the main problem here.

I'm surprised that if she took the DC out and got that drunk that the authorities had to be called that your DP, or the authorities themselves allowed the Mother of the DC to stop the M-F custody and didn't ask your DP to have the DC 24/7 permanently.

Your partner lives in your home, and as such of course if his daughter stays it's going to be at your home, because that's where her Dad lives. Of course she's going to assume the bedroom she is sleeping in, is 'hers', it wouldn't occur to her, for it to be anything else. You don't mind your partner's daughter staying, but you don't want her belongings taking up space in your spare room or for her to think of the house as her 'home'.

You don't really want your partner's daughter staying over, as you don't feel it's your responsibility to be housing her. I can see where you're coming from, but unfortunately, your house is where her Dad lives!

The only solution is for your partner to find somewhere else to live and to house his daughter or to move back with his parents and hope they have enough room for her to stay over.

he says hes not going to buy a house. So my house it is.

It seems this is reasonably easy to sort out. Sit down with your boyfriend, go through the finances and make sure he is paying his way to cover his daughter (you mention he's not paying enough). Second, explain you need the other room for your stuff but she is welcome in the guest room which you will make nice for her every time she comes. You need to accomodate this as you want to live with a man who has a daughter - your choice. But he cannot demand you provide a permanent room for her decorated to her liking as he is relying on you for housing - his choice.

I see where you are coming from - you have your own place, like your own space, and want things a particular way. From your perspective, you've already made a lot of adjustments from what would be ideal for you. But, from a child's perspective, they need a home and space with their father (not necessarily with you). And, it just so happens you live with him. Something has got to give - and like everyone on this board, I don't think that something should come at the expense of the child.

Like others have also said, I don't think this is a situation for you. Given what the mother is like, it is quite likely the child will be spending more time with the father. If you are struggling now, you will definitely struggle then. Your partner and child need to have a home of their own. That will also provide the child with more stability than she has right now. You can navigate the relationship with your partner accordingly.

Is this the situation:
She has a her own bed and belongings in teh guest bedroom and is now using a second room for her toys and 'stuff' so there is nowhere for your 'stuff' or for your guests to stay ?

How on earth were you accommodating the child’s needs before you met her father?

What is the situation here? How did you know the child first?

@Curlywurly92 you cannot seem to see the wood for the trees.

Everything that is unsettling and disruptive in your life is solely, because of your partner.

He is in your home but treats it as if it's his, without considering your feelings
He has decided that his child should have a dedicated room in your home

Your issues are neither the fault of the child nor her Mum, it's your partner who is treating your home as his, taking your kindness for granted and dictating, to you, what happens therein!

Your best/easiest solution is to have him move out but still continue your relationship.

Alternatively, you really do need to set your boundaries with him, and state what you will/will not tolerate, in your home.

Good luck.