AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Good on her, she sounds like a fabulous mum and step mum. Maybe you could learn some tips from her and start to prioritise your DS.

You chose the days your son went to his dad bc he worked during the weeks & you enjoyed going out on the weekends.....
Never took him on holiday
but managed to go with friends bc his dad took him.....(well someone had to i guess)
My word.... Have a long hard look at yourself. Did it ever, in the whole years of having ds occur to you to not take him away just for one weekend every so often to spend more time with him rather than just his dad taking him? (im pretty sure his dad wouldn't have minded him & his wife sound very accomodating).
She has a better relationship & bond with him than you do, the schools mums like her more than you. You're clearly jealous of this woman.

OP, people really do understand what is hard for you here but your son is not an extension of you, he's his own person with his own relationships, which you should not seek to control unless he is being harmed in some way. It can feel hard when a child has a close relationship with a stepparent (I speak from experience!) but your son's relationship with his step mum is his. In the kindest way, you are being completely unreasonable about every item on your list. You're not his best friend and shouldn't seek to be - you're his mum. She isn't and won't ever be so best friend is just his way of saying how important she is in his life. It really isn't weird that they love each other nor that they have a strong bond and spend time together. This lady isn't part of your family but she is part of his and honestly, you should be pleased that when he goes there, he feels part of a family unit and wanted and valued. There is absolutely nothing you can - or ever should - do to change this because that would be very controlling behaviour towards your son and actively detrimental. You need to have a big grown up think about not allowing your own feelings to control you, especially so where that would be damaging to your child.

You really have to own your parrot in this, @Playnoway .

You like going out at weekends, so delegated all the bonding time when there's usually less structure/more relaxing/fun times to your ex and his wife. Naturally, they've all developed a closer bond.

You find holidays with your son difficult, because he wants to be active, like most children do. Instead you went away with your friends for even more jolly and relaxing.
Your ex and his wife provided fily holidays where your son gets to spend time building relationships with his extended family and likely doing activities that are centred around or at least include activities he enjoys. Again, fostering a close bond...

Your ex's wife is more present in school than you are so is friendly with more parents. I am guessing she also makes more of an effort to cultivate relationships with hos friends' parents and those of her child, so again, seems more present for him.

With the amount of time they spend together (outside the regimented school week), he has time to unwind, open up and share his feelings etc with her. His dad, like so many men, likely leaves the physical and emotional labour to her and she's obviously a warm, loving and safe space for him. Naturally, after so many years of being there for amd with him, it's makes sense they share a close bond.

Have you considered getting out of your own way, being available on weekends, doing activities he enjoys and maybe then, you can start forming the kind of relationship where he wants to go away with you? There's no point being jealous and complaining if you're not going to take the necessary steps to close the gap.

All the things that you deem "inappropriate".. do you do those with him?

It sounds like she has put in the hard work and actually cared for his emotional wellbeing, and you took the easy road of sending him to your ex for any time that you would actually have to parent him, and now you are wailing foul!

He is a lucky boy to have so much love and support from your ex and his family, but if you aren't careful you will end up with nothing . I know where I would rather be if you start being jealous and difficult with him.

Perhaps listen to "cats in the cradle"..
..and I'm sorry. This must be so painful, but you made your bed.

I can see why you resent the step mum.

At least the step mum puts effort into caring for your son, but there doesn’t seem much evidence that you do?

I can’t believe you don’t want to have your son with you at least every other weekend? As for holidaying with friends and not your only child is astonishing to me.

Maybe you should encourage the boy to live with his dad full-time and then you won’t need to bother putting up with him at all?

Agree completely but I would apply your responses to 7 and 8 to points 1 - 6 too!

She's been in his life since he was tiny so why wouldn't she cuddle him, put him to bed and tell him she loves him?!

Jesus step-mums can't do bloody right for doing wrong!!!

I get that you want to be his BF not his stepmum, but if you have never taken him on holiday but holidayed with your mates, you don’t want to do things he’d find fun (themeparks you said “stressful”) then how are you going to build up the bond beyond weekdays after school? It’s important to have adult time with your friends, but honestly building a bond with kids is often doing very tedious stuff - trust me, ruding on a steam train, playing crazy golf, funfair etc is not my idea of heaven but my boys and I have great memories. You have to put some effort into it you know - the eelationship isn’t yours as of right. Think about what he might enjoy, and get cracking. I’m sure deep down he’d love having two mums too.

Now I truely believe step parents can not win whatever they do.

Oh, I hate to say this - but it IS your fault.

You chose an arrangement that suited you because you liked going out with your mates at the weekend, and you wouldn't go on a holiday with your son because you would have to do things you didn't want to.

Doing things we don't want to is parenting.

Unfortunately, this is his life now, and you would be very unfair to try to change it just because this now doesn't suit you.

My suggestion is to build better bonds between you by doing more things in your time - or some weekends - but don't try to force him to do stuff in what he feels is "his" important family time.

This situation took a number of years to evolve, and you were happy with it. You can't just turn his world upside down because it suits you.

And you maybe aren't getting the responses you were expecting - because most of here will put our children first, over and above ourselves and our likes and dislikes.

Exactly.

I was with you OP until this. I have seen posts here where the father has tried to take the child and raise it with a new wife and the mother was too weak.

You have never holidayed with your son and don't spend weekends with him either? So he does everything fun with SM. Your son is not fun because he is not your adult girlfriends and what a surprise, a child does not want to hang around a pool This would be my idea of hell, limiting my holidays to that and I am sure more people feel like this. When many of us had children we took the opportunity to do fun activities with them we wouldn't have done otherwise. It seems his SM has sensed this and thought "what a great opportunity to extend our activities as a family!".

Also, he isn't your husband, he's hers.

I can see why it hurts you but isn't it nice she treats him like her own child, so many posts on here are about step mom's who have their own child and treat the step kids differently and that the step mom's parents treat the step child as a nobody. I'd be happy that he enjoys going to her , he feels safe it doesn't reduce the bond you have with him.

it may just be my exs child then that doesn’t from anyone 😂😂 but that’s just it everyone is different. I just wouldn’t be asking for a cuddle off him or anything x

That’s my point I hope my own child still wants to at 9 but my ex step child doesn’t lay there and cuddle with his dad it’s a quick hug and maybe if my daughters wanting one they’ll sit with their arms around each other a bit but nothing like a full blown cuddle. Anyway that’s not the point my point is I would know my place in a child’s life especially if the mother was good however this poster seems to have thrown her child into a routine that suited her and her friends and is now crying about it when all her option is is to throw some boundaries up in place tell them she wants a new routine and to have some of the weekends to ensure she spends time with her child and not her friwnds and work on building a bond with her own child and also if she doesn’t like it that her child’s step mum is cuddling him say something I would.

my ex is an ass so no woman sticks round too long but no one will be playing mummy for me and that’s the thing my ex respects that even though he’s a ass he never expected or asked me to step up and be a mum in the 5 years because he knew he has a mum at home and I held no responsibility which i didn’t want I wanted to be his friend

I don't think the OP is coming back to this thread maybe because it was a wind up but all the posters saying "You're his mum, you'll always come first and have the most special bond with him".... How?!?! She doesn't want fuck all to do with him! She's just jealous because another woman has formed a better relationship with her child and he prefers her (understandably).

My daughter is like this with my partner. We’ve been together for 6.5 years and he’s been in her life since she was 4. She calls him dad. He treats her like a dad. I wouldn’t want it any other way!

You reap what you sow. She sounds like a great stepmum. You sound very uninvolved - never having him for a weekend, or holidays because it's too much hard work? By the time he's a teenager, he will vote with his feet.

While I can understand why you might find this a bit hurtful, I think you need to try and find some gratitude in your heart.

Your boy has known this woman as long as he can remember. She's always been kind to him and shown him love. I can't see why this is a bad thing? I'd much rather this extreme than the opposite, and you would also.

Honestly, I think kids need all the kind, loving adults they can get.

Good Lord! Your DS is living with his father for almost half the week - so you can go out with your mates on the weekend apparently.

But you want to stop his father's wife from being alone with your DS? Totally delusional.

You should be happy that your DS has 3 adults in his life who love him and care for him.

OP your posts are really sad, you are not seeing the reality of this situation. Your ex's wife is likely close to your son because she is spending all of every weekend with him so they have a lot more time to do nice things together. Of course your ex is not always with him when they have him every single weekend - there is no need and obviously sometimes they will each have other things to do over the weekend.

You need to look at your own relationship with him and change things up to give you some more leisure time together - which means talking to your ex to change the weekly schedule.

The summer is also not the only time you can take your son on holiday - why have you never taken him over Easter or half-term, or even Christmas?

Instead stewing and trying to lessen his stepmum's relationship with him so that he loses some good things in his life, why not focus on improving your own time with him?

As someone who’s had a few stepparents, good and bad and middling, I can tell you that this one sounds bloody brilliant and your son is lucky to have her.

Why on earth would you object that he loves her and she loves him? Why would you object to her cuddling him? She’s been in his life since he was a toddler, for the whole of his living memory. They are family.

It was incredibly thoughtful of her to ensure he was the first person to meet his new sister.

Cannot see the issue with anything on your list and can only think this is about you being insecure and wanting to be the only person in his life. That is a you thing, and not about the wellbeing of your son.

You should be thrilled that his stepmother provides a safe and nurturing and loving environment for him when he is not with you.

If you dont change your attitude and mind set you are definitely going to lose him to them, you are harbouring so much resentment its unhealthy and your son will be picking up on this.

This is MN. The dad always has to be a bit crap, regardless of what he does or doesn’t do.

OP is not coming back. She doesn't like the answers she is getting and has probably stopped reading.