AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

You don’t like her and you don’t like that your son does. That’s not the same thing as these concerns you’re painting.
From what I’m reading you would rather your son went to his dads house and this woman ignored him, made him feel alone, not part of the family group and treated him like an inconvenience.

Op the step mums daughter is only 4 so how long exactly has she been going to school to collect her daughter thats shes managed to befriend everyone but you dont know anyone as well?? Just thinking of the age gap of the two kids why are the other parents even be stood in the same area as a mum waiting for a 4 year old??

I would find the best friend thing irritating, that’s obviously something she’s taught him to say.
The meeting dd first is a lovely gesture.
Drama club again weird his dad should be doing those bits.
cuddling/ saying I love you- fine
They are a family
dad should do bedtime
her parents including him - lovely.

it sounds like his dad is a bit crap and she’s stepped upto ensure your ds feels included and a part of the family which is wonderful. But I agree she is crossing the line at times
But it’s also odd you prioritise holidays with friends over family holidays. Can you two not go away at a different time to the month you ex has him? (I would never have allowed a month long holiday though) so it’s not reducing their holiday it’s extra.
It reads like out of the three of you she is putting the most effort into her relationship with your ds. Maybe you need to spend some more time with him, create shared interests, invite friends round and get to know the other parents.

At the end of the day you’re his mum she isn’t that can’t be taking away for you. But you can reflect on your relationship and work to improve it.
Theres not a lot you can do about what happens at his dads he’s safe and happy, how they do things is up to them.

I didn’t let anybody meet my younger ones until their older siblings have met them.

your whole post was lovely but the above i just thought was the sweetest thing! ❤️

Christ on a bike she sounds great! I used to put my stepson to bed and read to him. Unfortunately my 2 stepsons (one came to live with us first) weren't easy kids and weren't that fond of me. Your lucky your son has a nice relationship with her, she could be described as a wicked stepmother like I was

I haven't read everything and don't know if this has already been said, so apologise if it has.

Unless the OP takes steps to mend her relationship with her son, seeing him on non school days, going on holidays that he likes, stopping dissing his stepmother, there has to be a real risk that the boy is going to ask to live full time with his father and step mother, doesn't there?

I wonder if the OP has realised this.

I dont think anyone is misunderstanding. You just dont like her and are jealous. There is nothing wrong with any of it. MN is full of threads from mums whos DC are excluded by step GPs and that SMs are saying they dont want SDC around etc snd you're complaining he is being treated as family. She is clearly not trying to be his mum, there is nothing in anything you have said to suggest this. His dad not bonding with him is a totally non related problem, it shouldn't be either/or.

I know a family who had a very similar dynamic to this actually (my neighbours). The son lived with his mum in the week and spent every weekend and most of the holidays with his dad, wife and half siblings. When he was 13 he asked to live with his dad full time and at that point he was deemed old enough to have his wishes taken into account. This was around 3 years ago and he’s still with his dad. His mum goes on a lot of nice holidays!

This is such a reverse.

But you didn't "let his Dad have him".

You gave him to his Dad because you wanted to be free to enjoy yourself at weekends and on your holidays. You were glad to be free of him, please don't try and present this as some sort of selfless gesture back when he was 3.

You want your son to live for the majority of his non school waking hours in a house with someone who doesn't love him and is just polite to him. Who treats him competent differently from his sister.

That does not sound like being a loving mother to me.

You really are making all of this about YOU!

You talk about YOUR pain - rather than what your DS is getting from the close bond he has with his DSM

You opted to send him to his dad’s EVERY WEEKEND, because YOU like to go out at weekends - and now your DS is reaping the benefit of spending lots of quality time with his dad and family, YOU don’t like it all of a sudden

You’ve never taken him on holiday because YOU like going away with friends and you find him hard work, plus YOU don’t like the type of holidays he wants to go on

You’re jealous. All the things you list are not inappropriate. It’s just that YOU don’t like it. Sounds like your ex has a great partner and she has put in a lot of effort with your DS. How wonderful of her. You should be happy for your DS and recognise that had you put in more effort yourself, you would also be reaping the benefit now. But you chose weekends and holidays with your friends.

By the way, Hell would freeze over before I would consent to not seeing my DC for four weeks!

No I didn’t mean that aspect was although I don’t agree with it.

I just didn’t do it because I didn’t need to and when I got involved the child was 7.

i don’t think as a step mother you need to be doing that to a 9 year old cuddling them no a quick hug maybe . Most 9 year olds I know won’t want a cuddle.

I have a 10 year old and she most definitely still wants cuddles, as do my friends’ children of the same and similar ages. My 12 year old still wants cuddles too.

Where does it make the dad sound a bit crap? I don't see it?

He was 3 when she gave him his first cuddle, it would be odd to stop.

Total rubbish. My DSD is 9 and is very cuddly and tells me she loves me and I say it back. She loves a snuggle with her dad. I don't snuggle because that is crossing a line for me but hugs and cuddles? Perfectly normal for 9 year olds.

I can completely understand why you don’t feel comfortable with it but let’s face it, she’s not being inappropriate.

She’s loving him like her own and making him feel loved and included. Shes married to his dad and won’t want him to feel pushed out, especially as they have another child.

Thats not inappropriate - it’s a blended family.

I'm sorry OP but you’re being unreasonable. If it were reversed and it was your new husband then I’m sure you wouldn’t see any issue with it, so you can’t really do anything about it. You just don’t like it and feel like you’re not his favourite. I don’t mean to upset you by being blunt but you really need to take an internal look at your motives here. It’s not her that’s the issue- it’s you.

The fact that the step mum does bedtime and after school clubs. Dad has half the week with ds he should be doing those things.

Maybe he’s at work? Not everyone works a 9-5

You basically gave your son to her. If you want him back and don’t want to feel left out of his life, start organising play dates for the evenings you have him so you know his friends. Arrange his next birthday celebration. Stop being useless. It’s not too late to turn things around and become a more active parent.

I would feel awful too, but she isn’t to blame. In fact, you should be greatful to her. She’s given your son what you couldn’t. Now that you can, just do it. No need to disrupt the status quo because you’re feeling shitty because no one is particularly bothered about you.

Take back the weekends.

You ask whether you should consider changing the arrangements for custody.

This would seem a good idea so that you can spend every other weekend with your son. This way you could have outings together and build up a routine with some special time, just the two of you, in the same way as he has with his stepmother. It's quite unusual for one parent to have all the weekends and may have suited you when he was just a baby but now that he's at school, you don't get to spend much time with him, as you have said.

His Dad seems quite reasonable eg you say he offered to accommodate you regarding a holiday, so perhaps he will also be open about altering the weekends?

You created vacuum and somebody filled it.
Step mum sounds wonderful!

could you not try renegotiate some weekend time?

Your ‘pain’ is all of your own making so no sympathy here.

I find your comment about why you don't take him on holiday a bit odd.
No 9 year old is likely to be interested in "just going to the pool and relaxing" as they are a bundle of energy, excited to be somewhere different and looking for things to do!
We all go on holidays which are child-centred when our kids are young and put on hold the type of holiday we used to enjoy before we were parents - that's just how it is