AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Came to say the exact same. Plus, the comment about a preference for different holidays/preferring one with friends is absolutely bizarre. I'd also enjoy spending my time at a bottomless brunch, a spa day or restaurant but I have children so my weekends involve soft plays, the park and family days out. Same as our holidays are tailored towards the kids and not our interests.

How wonderful that she loves him and they have a special bond. It may be hard for you, but with kindness, YABU.

Cuddling your step children and telling them you love them is not over stepping. Goodness me.

'Reeks of'? You know reeks is a word that mean stinks right? It's not used to describe something good!

Every word of this!

DS doesn't want to go on holiday with you because you find him 'stressful'. Would you want to go away with someone who finds you stressful? For that matter, why do you want to go on holiday with a stressful kid who needs to be running around, doing stuff all the time?

You aren't in the school mums' group because you haven't offered them friendship. You seem to feel like everyone should just give you what you want. What are you giving them?

Your relationship with DS isn't very close because you invest little time and effort in him. It's been six years. Your ex, his wife and your son have fitted around your needs and choices.

They've fitted their lives around your son's needs. This is marvellous. Appreciate it! Just be nice, enjoy your fun weekends and lazy holidays, and be the a part-time parent you are. It suits everyone.

No, it isn't. And it's not her fault you haven't.

She sounds like a great stepmum, surely the more people who love and care for him the better? Get over yourself op.

I don’t think it’s the relationship between them that is the issue.

You not getting weekends with your son is problematic - you need to revisit days and maybe do a week on/week off or another rhythm that shares weekends.

then you could use some weekends for the activities DS loves, like city breaks and theme parks. And just have that bonding time outside of the structure of school.

It sounds like you have given up a bit and xH has all the power.

You’re DS’s mum and you need to force proper time with him.

Agree. I'm a step-mother, too. While my step-son was aged 5-18, (5 is when I came on the scene) he spent every second weekend with us, as was the usual agreement. This is so that he got to spend quality time with his Mum and his Dad. The boy's step-Mum in this situation has been extremely good to your son, dedicating all her weekends to him, while you have spent time with your friends. Of course he has bonded so closely to her and all your son's friends know her by name. She's probably spent the last 6 years worth of weekends meeting up at parks, hosting play dates and taking your son to all their birthday parties. She's put in the hard yards and your son feels loved and supported by her. Now that he's nine and seems to have spent very little full weekends with you his entire life, it's probably too late to change that. Maybe you could start taking your son out during the day, one Sunday a month, to spend some Mum/son fun time together?

Your child is loved. That is a great thing. I understand why you would be a bit jealous though, I would be too.
This is coming from someone whose step mother is an actual cunt from hell who openly admitted once we were adults that she was competing with us the whole time we were children and she won.

You are clearly jealous because she had put effort in to her relationship with your son. Her husband’s son. Someone she has known the majority of his life.

You prioritised going out and girl holidays over building a relationship with your child.

Once he went to school why didn’t renegotiate days so you could spend some quality time with him?

You have said that it’s not your fault she has built a relationship with schools mums. It’s not her fault you haven’t.

I would suggest therapy. Only you can change your relationship with your son.

You sound quite jealous of your son's step mum. Most of what you've described seems pretty normal for a kid who lives with her for practically half of every week. I'd be more concerned if the stepmum was treating him like he didn't belong there for the amount of time he spends there

She isn't trying to replace you. She's trying to make your son feel comfortable in his home environment(dad's home is also his home). You've created this situation of jealousy by allowing dad to take him every weekend so you could go out and go on child free holidays. You can't be mad now your son's older and has decided he likes being on his dads holidays. You haven't taken him on holiday because you wanted to enjoy them without a kid in tow. Now he's older and a little more easier than a baby you suddenly want him to come on your holidays and he's choosing to still be with his dad

Only read your replies after first page but dear god what have I just read? Am assuming you had your son very young. You opted out of parenting him as you couldnt be arsed and prioritised yourself for YEARS. Your bond should have been formed then, its on you it wasnt.

Thank god this poor child has another woman prepared to actually mother him. You have failed miserably and dont be surprised he votes with his feet when he is old enough and lives with his dad full time.

I cannot get over your son being 9 and you've never taken him away. One of the most sad and selfish posts I have ever read on here.

Clearly a reverse

Take DS on holiday during a half term break.

If he enjoys his summer holiday with his dad, step mum and sibling, I can see why he'd not be happy to have that cut short, but no reason why you can't take him another time.

@Playnoway Basically you are jealous, you need to deal with that and then put in some legwork.
Your DS will soon be a teenager and if you let him get much older it may be too late to reattach.

What do you do with the time you have with DS? I would suggest a spot of love bombing. Can you rearrange the custody to one week on one week off? you could get more quality time that way. Also I think you might need to be careful what you say to your DS about his step mother - try not to criticize her they are obviously close so it won't improve your situation.

They other 3 Saturdays and all Sundays in a month would have plenty of time still for father and son bonding? When is your time?

I think step mum having a good relationship with the school mums is understandable. If your son is with them all weekend every weekend, then I'm assuming it's dad and step mum who have taken him to class parties/weekend play dates etc over the years. In my experience this is when a lot of relationships with other parents are formed.

He's 9 of course he doesn't want to laze around a pool all day. If that's all you're expecting him to do because it's what you enjoy no wonder he's choosing to stick to the original holiday with his dad. All this post seems to indicate is that you want everything your way and you thought that Mumsnet would agree with you slagging off your exes wife and think that she's this wicked woman trying to steal your son. I understand your post perfectly fine it reeks of jealousy and spite. You should be happy that his stepmum actually gives a shit about your son cos you'd soon be kicking off if she were to exclude him from all these holidays cos it would've meant you'd had to take him on holiday yourself and be bored of not doing everything you want

It seems like you want to prioritise your friends and partying over your son and then wonder why he has a better relationship with someone who is more willing to do things he enjoys!

part of being a parent is changing your expectations around things like holidays and nights out around the needs of the child.

I think your view is clouded because you are hurt by the close relationship between you DS and step parent. Be careful to recognise this. Your son is lucky to have this person in his life. She makes him feel safe and loved. Honestly this is a good thing. Just remember whatever happens you will always be mum, take a deep breath and let it go.

Stop being jealous! It's great a they have a good relationship. No wonder your ds doesn't want to go on holiday with you, if that's all you want to do is stay by the pool. It sounds like you've put your needs before your ds's. I could never imagine not spending a weekend with my son because I wanted to go out instead!

It seem a bit like you’ve spent the last 8 years enjoying your child free weekends and holidays, and now you are jealous of someone who has made parenting your DS their priority.

Presumably if she moved in with his dad when he was 3, they were in a relationship for some time before that? So he’s known this woman for as long as he can remember.

This woman is literally just treating your son with love and kindness, and making sure he doesn’t feel excluded because of his sibling. After 6 years+ of such a positive relationship, they will have a bond and she is his family because she’s married his dad.

I can understand why you feel a bit miffed that he doesn’t fancy giving up his fun holiday time to go away with you and your mates to sit around a pool but he’s 9, what do you expect? If you want to take him away, arrange something that he will enjoy doing.

Meanwhile, maybe it’s a good idea to rethink the living arrangements so you get to have some weekend time with him to do fun things? His dad sounds reasonable so maybe he could do Wed-sat?