AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Quite honestly, it sounds like you have a mental health issue. It sounds like you have dropped the ball massively, comments like you have never taken your son on holiday, your child's friends know his dad and step mum but not you, your son doesn't now want to go on holiday with you... It all sounds like there's a lot more to this then you are saying. You are going to get nowhere by throwing a tantrum that your sons step mother has built a loving and stable relationship with your child. She isn't a temporary girlfriend you can claim shouldn't have contact with him, she's a permanent fixture in his life. Grow up and start acting like a sensible coparent and perhaps you might repair the relationship with your son. Trying to destroy his safety net is only going to backfire on you. As you can see from the other comments. It's not them. It's you.

YABU it’s no wonder he feels close to step mum she sounds lovely and has made an effort. You sound jealous and a but of a dick tbh!

You need to spend time with your DS at weekends and build in quality time together doing what he enjoys. Less time going out with your 'mates'!

Your DS enjoys time with his dad and step mum as they sound attuned to him and make him feel part of the family. He knows you would rather be on holiday sitting my a pool with your 'mates' than be on holiday with him.

I wouldn't be surprised if in time he will vote with his feet and stay with his dad full time.

This is not inappropriate at all. It's lovely they get on so well together. Are you sure you're not jealous.

I don't understand why he can't go on holiday with you, as well as with his Dad - why does it have to be either/or?

And how does his Dad take him away for 4 weeks each September - doesn't he have to be in school?

I do get that it's hard and stirs up strong feelings (my ex has remarried so son has a step mum, and I really struggled with the 'grandparents' even though intellectually I can see they're good for him). But you've got to put your son first and this relationship sounds lovely, not inappropriate.

Oh sweetheart I genuinely feel bad reading that. Not because this woman is doing anything wrong but that I can hear the pain (and if I’m honest jealousy) in your post. To your son this woman is his family. She’s helped raise him since he was 3, he’s the mother of his sister and his step MOTHER. She won’t ever replace you but in his eyes she’s very very important to him. You need to change your mindset and be happy that he loves this woman, there’s nothing inappropriate and there’s room for both of you. If you can’t get over it maybe therapy could help you. He will always love you regardeless, there’s room for both.

Exactly this. Many split families take turns and the arrangement is every other weekend - because that’s the best time!

You’ve never had a Friday night cuddled up watching a movie, or a cinema trip on a Saturday afternoon, or a farm shop breakfast on a Sunday, or ice skating or Saturday night watching Gladiators or The Masked Singer. That’s normal family life with a 9 year old and you have no experience of that. You just do the start of the school week, which is just school, home, repeat.

You’ve kind of allowed this tremendous bond that your son has built with his Dad and Step-Mum - they simply spend way more time with him and do more things.

I wouldn’t have it. Tell them the new arrangement is every other weekend. Otherwise I think you’re in real danger of your DS choosing to live with them in a few years.

I understand your hurt. However, you are jealous and think this woman is replacing you in your son’s affections/life. She is not. Both her and her parents sound lovely, kind people. Reframe your thinking. The more people who love your son the better. You are not in competition with her. Your son loves you both, but differently. You are Mum and nobody comes close in anybody’s eyes.

Right. So this woman’s crimes are to -
A) Spend time with your son, whom she has known for
years.
B) Love him.
C) Be a friend to him.
D) Value his company.
E) Think of him and prioritise him over everyone else when meeting his new sister.
F) Be rich.

God, the bitch!

I have a stepson. We have things that are ‘our’ things and our own relationship. Not because I’m trying to be his mum, but because I genuinely love and care for him and we have a relationship that is our own!
The more decent people a child has who loves them, the better. She will never replace you as his Mum, but she holds a very important role and by all accounts she is doing it well. I’d be grateful a decent woman loved my child too.

Lady you are batshit. You should be thankful she treats your son well & they have such a lovely, positive relationship. Haven't you read all the step mum posts on here?

All of this.

And you don’t ‘let’ his dad have him - his dad is entitled to spend time with him. Of course she can have time alone with him, it’s lovely that they have that.

I wouldn’t have it. Tell them the new arrangement is every other weekend.

OP can't just arbitrarily up and change a long standing custody schedule that's been in place for years because she's jealous of the bond her son has with his dad and stepmom. It's not in her son's best interests. It's not like the dad didn't try to accommodate her sudden wish to take her son for half the holiday.

She's going to have to start investing the time and energy that went on her friends and partying and holidays with her mates into her son. She has to do the work.

I think what you're not seeing, is that you want to throw a huge spanner in your son's life, by cutting someone out of his life or heavily limiting his time with her because youre jealous. Can you not see the devastating impact that would have on him, someone he calls his best friend, who loves him, cares for him, supports him. That loss would be immense. And when he found out it was because of you and your jealousy, whether thats months or years time, it would damage your relationship with him beyond repair.

You really need to not fuck up here, put your son first, stop being jealous and selfish and work with where your son is at now.

I think it's really, really strange that you wanted to just go out at the weekend rather than have your son, he's nine so for 5 years in term time you only do before and after school and never a holiday and you think he should be closer to you... Just because? You need to put in some leg work.

Your excuse about holidays is nonsense. Any child would enjoy a pool and beach.

Is this a reverse?

When parents split up, things can get very difficult for the children. Sometimes a child goes reluctantly to his DF’s house and feels like an imposter. Clearly your DS’s stepmother is making a supreme effort to make your DS welcome and feel part of their family.

Rejoice in this, it’s brilliant for your DS. His situation could be so much worse.

It must be, surely?!

Yes, YABU.

I can understand you might be a bit jealous that’s a perfectly normal emotion. It’s what you do with that emotion that matters. It’s something you need to get past yourself not something you need to put on your son or expect his step mum to change.

She sounds like a fantastic step mum, would you rather he lived with a distant uncaring one?

Shes been in his life since he was 3 and yes they are family “she’s not just married to his Dad” they’ve been living as a family for a large chunk of his life. Family comes in all shapes and sizes and if they consider each other family then they are. Shes the mum of his half sister there will always be that connection there. Lots of people would consider their step parent their family member, most people would!

Rather than focus on what she should change, focus on what you can change. Could you have a special day a month that you go and do something together like go to a film that he can pick, or out for food and he can pick the meal.

The holiday thing doesn’t make sense, he’s 9 you decide if he’s going away with you not him. Could you compromise and find something you both enjoy? Could you do a long weekend with him with something like a theme park he’d enjoy and then do your own holiday at a later date. If you can afford them holidays are great for forming happy core memories and it sounds like he’s had a lot of time to do that with his dad and step mum and sister, so perhaps find something you two could enjoy together that becomes your thing.

i urge you to listen to the replies here and to not disrupt what appears to be a very important relationship in your sons life. Life is hard, and the more kind caring adults your son has in his life that he can trust and who love and care for him, the better. I’m sorry to be so blunt but this is appears to be a you problem not a them problem.

Your son is so lucky to have a lovely stepmum. I understand you may be jealous, but think of the opposite... What if she were awful to him? You'd be devasted he has to spend time with her. Be grateful.

I've voted YABU because your son loves her and she treats him well and this must be lovely for him. I did want to add a post to say that if I were in your situation, I would be jealous, threatened and sad. Unreasonably so, because the situation making me feel these things is ultimately good for my son. I know that doesnt help, I just wanted to tell you that you are not wrong to feel like this, but his stepmum/dad aren't doing anything wrong. I send you unMumsnetty hugs, and hope you can focus on all the special things about your relationship with your son and let his relationship with his dad/stepmum alone.

What do you mean 'let his dad have him'?? You share care and it appears he has him more than you do. He 'lets' you have him more than you 'let' him. The child is not your possession to lend out to his father when you feel like it. You should count your blessings that he has a loving step mum. You created the distance you have with him by encouraging his dad to do all the hard yards of weekends and long holidays so you could enjoy your child free time and this is the result. Oh and school mums are friends with her because she's friendly. Not because she picks up more often.