Mother made a comment on new partner

[Keola]

I have been single now for 3 years since my marriage ended. I have been seeing somebody for 6 months and the connection is just explosive. We have so much fun together and when the kids go to their dads we usually have a blow out now and again (nothing crazy, the odd night out, pub crawl) however my mum seems to think he is leading me astray (I really do not believe this)

You’re drinking at 11am. You have a problem.

Went at it at 10.00am does this make me even worse 😫 😩 🙃...... trots off to join alcoholic anon

Honestly, drinking at 11 am is quite early but fine if it was a brunch with champagne or something.

It's not that big of a deal on its own but added to some other stuff, your mother might be seeing something that you can't or won't. We don't know your relationship with her, @Keola but unless she's the type to shit on your happiness for no reason, it might be worth considering that she has your best interests at heart.

What bizarre comments. Has no one ever been for brunch and has a blood Mary or Buck’s Fizz? 11am is fine as an odd occasion when have no kids to look after. You have no idea what time she stopped drinking anyway? Would it be ok if she had a drink at 11am and nothing after 3pm? Or is it because it’s before midday?

Going for a brunch with fizz with friends and going home in the afternoon isn't healthy but it's fun and full of joy and friendship.

Having a couple of pints while watching sports at the pub in the middle of the day on the weekend isn't a healthy choice but it's sociable and fun.

Sharing a few gin tins en route to a day out with old friends for a matinee show isn't healthy but it's fun and silly.

What are you trying to say by "it's not exactly a healthy choice though, is it"? It's not alcoholism either is it?! FFS

I do think she does have my best interests at heart and I would be fully on board with her. Maybe she is worried I will turn out like her as non of my family will drink with her and it has caused so many problems in the past, so much so I am pretty much traumatised by mum’s drinking when I was little. My children have never witnessed me drunk (tipsy maybe) I went out and I was really nervous that they were meeting new partner for the first time. I was home at 3. I’m so confused.

Yard arm thing innit.

It’s possible she’s projecting Keola.

This is what I am trying to work out. My dad is on pins when he goes out drinking with her as she likes to create drama. We had a really good day u til she rang me later on and said have some respect for me when I told her she was being unreasonable asking me to go home when I hadn’t done anything wrong apart from laugh all day. We even got in the taxi home and thought we had a really good day?

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I’d say don’t tell her! Enjoy your new man and you know what is ok, as PP said, you’re not waking up 2 days later in someone else’s vomit lol …. I’m feeling very ‘good’ now as never done that either 😉
as for the 11am drinking, as long as it’s not when you usually start drinking! But considering it’s a football event then I think occasionally it’s not a big deal

Ah, it does seem possible then that her own issues are making her react so strongly.

Is your partner a big drinker? Did he get on ok with them? Did anyone get drunk?

I suppose, with alcoholism comes a lot of shame and guilt and she might be a bit triggered by thinking you could be going the same way as her. Which is irrational, of course, but if you've been going out more and she already has issues and hang-ups it could explain it!

Perhaps you could have a sit down and talk about her concerns? Is her drinking something you've ever addressed?

Gently, was a day of drinking really the best way for her to meet your boyfriend given her history?

I love day drinking and being home by 8 for a cuppa.

Enjoy your child free weekends

Enjoy your new life

Enjoy your new partner

Enjoy yourself

Don't listen to the "sniff of alcohol makes you an alcoholic" brigade

Bet your ex is out day drinking on his free weekends and nothing gets said about that

My DM turned her nose up at me drinking but not my brothers. I explained I've raised my children and didn't drink a drop for years while I was raising them solo so now on occassion I let my hair down with my now DH

Does she still get drunk and create drama?

just seen the update that you were home by 3pm so now I understand even less what the comment was all about

Hi K,

The moral outrage on here is laughable. Full of puritans today.

Randoms on MN shouldn't be jumping into be judgemental and your mother should give you the benefit of the doubt.

In the past have you felt like she doesn't really trust you, you have to behave in a certain way to be acceptable to the family? People please?

She knows you and should see that after your separation and time on your own, you are now in new phase of your life. That means you having different plans outside of what she has grown accustomed to.

I think as you are a grown woman you shouldn't have your behaviour and choices policed by anyone. Can you imagine a man behaving in the same way (shock horror, going to the pub on occasion and having a drink at 11am!!!) and his father saying he is worried about him and his new partner! No because that would be pathetic interfering behaviour.

Good luck op, I hope you have a good enough relationship with her to talk it through.

Probably not, I would never normally ask my mum to come out due to past events. I just felt a bit rude inviting my dad and not her. It was as if she was uneasy that I was drinking. She doesn’t like anybody drinking but it is ok for her to do it? Maybe because she is jealous that it doesn’t have the same effect on everybody else? I don’t know, she turns into a completely different person.

Don’t second guess your good day, you had a good day and enjoyed it. See how things go with your new man and remember you’re an adult now who doesn’t have to tell her mother everything.

I suppose I just don’t want her to make me doubt him as he does make me happy. No it isn’t something he generally does at all, infact it was me that initiated the whole thing.

Trying to navigate her issues is a hiding to nowhere, as I'm sure you know!

The more you say, the more it seems likely that her own issues are at play here and you can't do anything about them.

She's responsible for her actions and you can't control them but you can control your reactions to them. Don't let her make you second guess your day, you enjoyed yourself and were in full control of yourself. However, drinking seems an understandably triggering thing for you all, so I'd stick to only sober interactions from now on.

Just...also be careful to look out for yourself and make sure you're not being swallowed up in anything bad for you. Intensity and explosiveness oftentimes leads to an unpleasant fall out. So keep your wits about you and stick to tea and coffee with your mum!

Don’t let her then. You have agency.

You also don’t need to defend yourself on here either.

Christ you're a bundle of fun... they've gone to the pub to watch football. What are they going to do? It's not like she's on a 12 hour bender, ending up with a kebab in the centre of town.

Or are you one of those people who go to the pub, sit there with 1/2 pint lime and soda and watch the entire game (for which the landlord is paying over £1,000 a month to show) and then go home when it's over?

And she was home by three, not painting the town.

Has your mother always been a downer on you @Keola

she sounds like mine, so ready to dim my shine, bring me down etc.

Sounds familiar.

Yes. I don’t know why but I feel like her expectations of me are way too high. She found copious amounts of empty bottles in the kitchen that my brother had hidden, he also takes drugs but she will never confront him. I go out at 11am to watch the football and it is the end of the world and makes Me really anxious thinking I have done something wrong