Mother made a comment on new partner

[Keola]

I have been single now for 3 years since my marriage ended. I have been seeing somebody for 6 months and the connection is just explosive. We have so much fun together and when the kids go to their dads we usually have a blow out now and again (nothing crazy, the odd night out, pub crawl) however my mum seems to think he is leading me astray (I really do not believe this)

I know, I’m not saying that it is, I just don’t think it’s as big of a deal as she is making it out to be. If it was a frequent thing then yes absolutely

"we usually have a blow out now and again"

Well which is it? Usually? Or now and again? It can't be both and sounds like the kind of language someone in denial might use.

And the moral of the story is don’t invite your mother out for day drinking!

What the actual plans are / what you did isn't really relevant.

I posted this already but you may have missed it or dismissed it.

When my mother said this to me, she'd seen a change in my behaviour and demeanor that was completely at odds to the person she knew well. It turned out he was not a good guy and terrible for me, but I didn't see this for months.

Take a step back and try to look at things objectively just in case there's things you've brushed aside as being fine in the first flush if new love, when actually you felt like maybe they weren't.

Just take that beat to make sure things are ok.

What a load of nonsense. I’m in a long term relationship which we both look at as permanent and I can assure you planning a day out around sport or a live band or a lunch with friends and involving drinking in the day is perfectly normal.
I’ve never been happier in a relationship. Jeez 🙄

Grow up.

As an adult and a mother your in charge of your own actions
fair enough if she disapproves of your drinking sessions
but this is on you as much as your partner

Where did OP say she was pissed at 11am ? She said she had her first drink at 11am and got a little tipsy. It’s not a regular thing and it was just the plan for the day because of the event. Mind you, not surprised at some of the comments - on MN any more than a small sherry once a fortnight and you’re a raving alcoholic.

I know we read about some interfering parents on here. However, in my circles, mums are usually right and can spot a wrong one way before their daughter. If my mum said this to me, I'd be seriously taking it on board.
I know you said drinking at 11am isn't usual for you, but is it usual for him? Is he drinking every time you're together?

Good for you.

If my daughter was forging ahead with a relationship involving day drinking around the football with a man she'd be seeing for 6 months, and she was head over heels for this "explosive connection", my first question would be "where are your kids fitting in all this?". Will they be dumped with me on her weekends, while she goes to the football or starts drinking at 11am? What would happen to them when she gets home at 8pm? Or would she take them with her? Is she planning on doing this only every other weekend? And what about this fella - he's on board with that too, happy to live his life to her childcare demands?

Yes, I'd be making a comment to her. All of the comments above, and more probably.

Holy crap i must be an alcoholic as I had a glass of champagne with my breakfast with my husband on our wedding anniversary.

Yes same here. If you're at a social occasion where you're going to be drinking, what are you supposed to do.. drink tea until the clock hits midday? It's a silly social convention. Drinking at ANY time of day is fine.. it's how much you drink, how regularly, and how it interferes with your life that's important.

If I want to have a shot of vodka every morning with my cornflakes, but never drink another drop all my life, nothing bad would come of it. In fact it's quite common to have coffee with whiskey with breakfast in European countries.

There's no rule.. it just depends on case by case, as to whether drinking is or isn't an issue.

If someone close to you is concerned about a change in the way you behave, when you take up with a new partner (or friend, come to that), then it is probably worth taking a step back, and listening, without being defensive, then having a think to see if they have got a point.

Obviously difficult for any of us to know, in this particular instance whether there is an issue with the changes in you or whether your Mum's judgement is poor, or whether your new boyfriend is or isn't a bad influence - and of course not made any easier with the conflicting messages you are giving - but I think when people close to you are concerned, it might be time to do a bit of self reflecting.

I think people would agree that starting drinking at 11am isn’t the norm.

Six months in. It's "explosive". You're more "adventurous". You invited your parents out day-drinking and started at 11 am. She's your mother and likely knows you pretty well.

On paper it looks like she might be on to something. Plus, some people just give you that initial feeling. Sometimes mother really does know best.

I think your mum is probably right.

Drinking at 11am in the morning in a fully adult person would be a huge red flag for me.

A friend whose marriage blew up after twenty years he left her for a younger woman had some fun with a man after her divorce. He was successful, charming and fun. He absolutely spoilt her, winin, dining, holidays, gifts, he adored her.

They went to Amsterdam one weekend and smoked some pot. You'd think he'd murdered someone. So much family pressure she ended the relationship. Ended up with another cheating bastard.

I think @Keola has earned some silly time.

Sounds like you should talk to her in depth about what it is about him that she is worried about - she might have good reasons or good gut instincts about him which she hasn't yet shared with you - maybe if you hear her out on this without being defensive the 2 of you can sort this out - in your situation your mum may well be your best ally, depends on her point of view and who she is taking care of. I would really want to know what it is that she is worried about and take it from there.

The problem there is that she chose to tell her extended family she had smoked some pot. My parents would have been appalled at some of the things I have got up to. I am selective in what they get to hear

Where is anyone claiming it’s healthy?!
As a rare occurrence I don’t see the issue.

if you drink 2 units of alcohol at 11am does it have a more negative impact than if you drink 2 units at 11pm?

there are plenty of choices we all make in life that aren’t based purely on what’s healthy. So long as it’s all in moderation, what’s the problem?

and I say this as someone who rarely drinks at all these days. Although I do eat a shit load of choloate instead - and now that’s not healthy but otherwise I have a very healthy and balanced diet

I had this type of very intense relationship shortly after I separated from exH. I'd have probably written something similar to what you've written.

It's now sixteen years later and my mum may have been wrong about many things but she was right about that relationship.

I hope it was a very late breakfast! Shame on you.

i am just adding that my mum hasn’t had the kids for me in over a year. They go to their dads every other weekend.

In fact it's quite common to have coffee with whiskey with breakfast in European countries

My understanding is that's common in Eastern Europe for brunch on special days and holidays, not "normal". Bucks Fizz would be an equivalent "breakfast"drink in the UK. I love a Bucks Fizz on my birthday.

I take your point about one shot of alcohol early in the day does no harm, but it doesn't work like that does it? People who drink early don't stop, they just drink more than if they'd started later in the day.

If bet the vast majority of people who drink before lunchtime (and most of the people who routinely drink alcohol with their lunch) have an alcohol dependency and that most of them would deny that vehemently.

It was just in response to people saying it had gone really "Mumsnet".

I honestly don't care what people do as one offs.