Do I just have to accept this

[Wafflecakes]

My partner and I have been together for 5 years and have a 2 year old together. He has 2 children with 2 other women and I have two children with my ex.

my ex and I only have contact to discuss children and childcare arrangements nothing more he is with someone else and I never want to cross any boundaries so keep conversations brief and child focused. My partners sons mum has zero boundaries and will call my partner more than I do. She messages multiple times every single day and will also call. When I have been with him I see how he tries to keep it very brief as she will go off talking about her life, weekends out etc. whenever she sends photos of her son she will include herself in the pictures. She turns up at family events uninvited. Anyway, she’s always seemed friendly enough even if abit overbearing and over the top but she doesn’t have any friends and a very small family so I do wonder if she just lonely.

it has started to cause issues with my partner and my relationship. If she sees my partner in the pub with friends she will go and sit with them and ask him to buy her a drink, she is calling more than ever, messaging all the time and now asking for lifts to places when he collects his son. How can he approach this without causing issues as I know he’s very reluctant to fall out with her and have a toxic relationship like he does with his other child’s mum?

I’ve actually told him I can’t stay in the relationship if this continues as his son is 6 and there will be many more years of this…
his friends and family have made comments to me about how it’s inappropriate and she’s crossing the line so this isn’t in my head

There are a lot of socioeconomic factors that play into and surround those figures. Instead of despairing maybe have a bit of a think about how.

Frankly only two things come to mind and they’re both red flags:

• He doesn’t have enough of a backbone to respect you and your relationship and like you said it will be like this for years and years to come;

Or the worse one:

• He’s still sleeping with her every now and then and that’s why she feels bold enough for this type of behaviour.

Doesn’t mean that those 50% will have parents happily married. Nothing worse for children than be stuck in the middle of a horrible marriage no one wants to be in.

Just to answer a few questions, this was a very brief and irresponsible relationship which resulted in a child.
all children are very loved and cared for, and aren’t aware of the situation.

partner is terrified of having a very toxic relationship like he does with his first child’s mum, so I think just goes along with it. He does cut her off mid conversation saying I’m busy got to go and hangs up. He doesn’t encourage the behaviour but also doesn’t stop it. I do trust him. This is more so a respect thing. She is pushing boundaries. She doesn’t have any female friends so I don’t think realises maybe what she’s doing isn’t right or just doesn’t care.

Why is he even picking up the phone to her though? She can communicate by text if its about the child.

Agree with drawing boundaries but I would really not be rushing to court to 'have it settled' or threatening her with this. Court is a painful, slow, stressful, expensive last resort and threatening her is likely to increase any conflict.

It is possible to say 'no' without detonating a relationship, even with an ex

I think this man enjoys having a harem of 'baby mamas'.

But he is the one answering the phone. She's pushing boundaries that are nonexistent.

I don’t think there is anything going on, he was on and off with his first child’s mum when he got involved with child 2s mum, and due to her falling pregnant is what prevented any reconciliation with the first child’s mum, I think that is where the toxicity and bitterness comes with the first child’s mum as there were feelings involved and she was very hurt.

I have tried being friends with her, she is not a girls girl, always surrounds herself with males, loves male attention etc, I think she does just love the attention but I’m not blaming her still, he is to blame. She doesn’t owe me anything. It is all down to him, he needs to tell her to only call in an emergency and that any child care arrangements can be kept brief and through a message. I don’t want to create any issues with him seeing his child or for things to be made difficult but I am also fed up of how little respect and how much the current partner has to accept when other children and ex’s are involved.

this has gone on long enough now, and it is upsetting my peace, I’m not a doormat, I deserve to be treated with respect so I have told him he either puts a stop to it or I will leave. He has said he will be firm with her but we will see.

for instance, when my ex had been with his partner for a while, she reached out and started making the arrangements with me. I am absolutely fine with that and we have a very respectful co parenting arrangement. Kids are happy, I respect boundaries etc. I have only needed to go to him directly once in three years as my daughter had an issue she wanted kept between her dad and I.

He could not answer the phone every single time.
He can request, politely that she just texts about their child.
Sorry very busy, text me and ill reply when I can if nothing urgent.
He can be friendly, polite, and involved in his child's life without all the unnecessary communication from her.
Has he actually ever said to her, please just keep communication concerning our child. And I cannot give you lifts, have drinks with you when out with friends that is going over the boundary as co parents.
If she refuses contact because of that then he will need to address that at the time. Rather than full on threatening court action, perhaps a solicitor letter reaffirming boundaries as co parents not as friends / partners.
@Wafflecakes - you don't really say what your DP has done to try and stop this from her... more just that you think he goes along with it because of his relationship with the other child's mother??

You sound really insecure and uptight. Who cares if they have a good relationship? You’re priorities are upside down. Maye friends with her and be happy for their kid who can see adults behaving like adults. Grow up.

Sorry, he does quite often say sorry I’m busy and just hangs up. He also ignores a lot of phone calls. He has said to her many times, can you make arrangements through my sister or partner, changed drop off and pick up locations to his parents or he collects from hers to avoid seeing her.
the crazy thing is, I don’t think she wants him, I do think she is lonely she only has her mum and 2 children as her entire family. She has no siblings or female friends. So she gets fully involved with her ex partners family, boyfriends families etc I know her last boyfriend left because she was “too much and over bearing” regardless, again that is not my issue and I expect respect from my partner, it’s also how other perceive it, his friend actually said to me “my missus wouldn’t be standing for that” when she came and sat with them in the pub ( he did call me and say she’s come here on her own and sat with us so I’m finishing my drink and leaving)

I have nothing to be insecure about, and I’m certainly not uptight. I just find it bizarre how stepmums/ current partners of husbands with ex wives etc are expected to accept the bare minimum of respect as they came into their partners life later? He was completely single when I met him, I didn’t break any relationship up.

I don't know why people are jumping to malign the OPs partner. He may very well be just trying to keep the peace so he has access to his kids.

I'm not sure what the answer is OP. Can your partner feign some sort of reason where he can't answer the phone between certain time and ask her to text instead?

it’s also how other perceive it

This has cropped up again, and it should be the last on your list of issues around this. I don't think it's insignificant. What is it that you want OP and why?

How does she know when and where there are family events and which pub he will be in?

Put the relationship on hold until he stops his nonsense. His duty is to his children and you not his ex. Make that clear to him by brining up the "we are on a break " thing lol. That should surface his true feelings.

Is it him or you that wants it to stop, as it doesn’t sound like he is doing much to stop it?

If he can’t grow a spine he shouldn’t be having unprotected sex with so many women 🤮

There’s probably not an awful lot you can do. You can tell him how you feel, but you can’t make someone listen.

Can you just ignore? There’s probably very little else you can do if he’s not willing to set a boundary. You can only have boundaries of your own re any contact with you.

He does have 3 children with 3 women now - and that is alot.

I can see why you wouldn’t want to jump to end the relationship, but you can’t fix it either if he doesn’t want it fixed.

I’m just put in a crappy position, he’s firm with her and tells her bluntly as in his own words “she drives him mad” and hes happy to do this, but then she will probably make contact difficult with his child which negatively effects him and his child.
or I shut up and put up but I’m not willing to do that, this is beyond the realms of normal behaviour.

She knows what’s happening due to making plans for his child. A birthday party can his child attend? She turns up. He picks up child from school on a Friday, the school is opposite a pub and that’s where they always go for work drinks on a Friday afternoon. She has turned up there on his pick up days with some silly excuse like he doesn’t have his football socks so she has had to bring them ( and turn up an hour earlier than child finishes school then insists on staying so she can see child as she won’t see them for two days)

the only time she doesn’t call relentlessly is when we are all on holiday? So none of it makes sense.

You are on a forum trying to find advice for a tricky situation - when he is the one who should be actively seeking advice on how to handle it.

He could try therapy/ mediation - honest conversations - involving her family? If he has someone he gets on with to act as mediator.

He needs to work out a way to politely and firmly set down boundaries - if he can't do that sadly you will suffer

He’s clearly not that bothered by it, sees it as necessary to avoid any toxicity.

It’s YOU that’s upset by it. So it YOU that should be having words.

To say you’re going to leave and break up a family is frankly ridiculous. You need to grow up here. You chose to get with a man that had kids…that means taking on the baggage of the ex’s too.

So put on your big girls pants and have a conversation with this woman. Make clear what your boundaries are for your family. You may find that she’s not fully aware of her behaviour and wouldn’t want to upset you. Make clear to her what’s expected. For example:

• No phonecalls after 6pm unless an emergency
• school stuff is to be done through email
• That you can also be a point of contact for any issues.

How what?
You either are or you are not married. There’s no middle ground.
The economics of it are irrelevant- being married is a choice, it doesn’t preclude low wage families. Anybody (as long as they are of age, mentally competent, not already married etc) can get married. You can do it for £150.

You seem to be making something that is really his problem into your problem. He is the one getting bombarded with messages or unexpected visits so he’s the one who needs to decide how to handle it if it’s bothering him.

It’s actually not about you and “disrespect” for you at all. If your partner isn’t taking the bait or spending time with her instead of you, it’s not a real problem. Let her embarrass herself by throwing herself at a man who isn’t interested. In time it will wear off and she will find a more responsive target.

He just needs to take a “yellow rock” approach. Pleasant, firm, unyielding. Ignore any non-essential messages and calls or respond with a thumbs up. “Sorry, can’t do that” to requests. Finish up his drink and leave if she shows up at the pub. Honestly, it sounds like he’s doing what’s necessary to manage the situation from his end already. What do you actually want him to do?