Do I just have to accept this

[Wafflecakes]

My partner and I have been together for 5 years and have a 2 year old together. He has 2 children with 2 other women and I have two children with my ex.

my ex and I only have contact to discuss children and childcare arrangements nothing more he is with someone else and I never want to cross any boundaries so keep conversations brief and child focused. My partners sons mum has zero boundaries and will call my partner more than I do. She messages multiple times every single day and will also call. When I have been with him I see how he tries to keep it very brief as she will go off talking about her life, weekends out etc. whenever she sends photos of her son she will include herself in the pictures. She turns up at family events uninvited. Anyway, she’s always seemed friendly enough even if abit overbearing and over the top but she doesn’t have any friends and a very small family so I do wonder if she just lonely.

it has started to cause issues with my partner and my relationship. If she sees my partner in the pub with friends she will go and sit with them and ask him to buy her a drink, she is calling more than ever, messaging all the time and now asking for lifts to places when he collects his son. How can he approach this without causing issues as I know he’s very reluctant to fall out with her and have a toxic relationship like he does with his other child’s mum?

I’ve actually told him I can’t stay in the relationship if this continues as his son is 6 and there will be many more years of this…
his friends and family have made comments to me about how it’s inappropriate and she’s crossing the line so this isn’t in my head

It's been 5 years so why has it become an issue for you now?

I'm asking why it bothers OP. I think the ex sounds unreasonable. But I would bend over backwards to stay in contact with my kids and would be horrified by a partner who wouldn't. So I don't think his response to his ex's unreasonable actions is unreasonable, no.

I mean, it annoys her because it’s ridiculous behaviour - I don’t believe anyone would be totally fine with partner chatting to their ex on the phone multiple times a day, everyday.

I think it's acceptable to treat the mother of your child with kindess, respect and have a great relationship with them reguardless of if you are together. They are forever tied by their child and thats the way it should be.

What about being kind to your partner?

I'd be fine if I trusted him. If he's saying "I love you" or sharing fantasies I'd be ending the relationship. But if it's about the kids or him responding to requests the way he might from an annoying sibling then I don't see the problem.

There are 5 children with 5 different parents here. I feel awful sorry for the kids. This isn’t fair on them

This is more than 'good terms'

I don't understand how they meet in the pub and why you are all living on top of one another.

Is he free to marry you @Wafflecakes or is he still married to her? How old are you all.

He needs to migrate all his other contacts to another phone and makenarrangements in advance about calls and only answer the phone at those times. If she turns up at the pub, he needs to go home. He is giving her very mixed messages.

I'd be very wary.

Then I think you need to find someone else self-respect and raise your bar up off the floor.

A man who doesn't put his ego above his kids has plenty of self respect. I am far more impressed by a man who can let a bit of ridiculousness wash over him than someone who is rigid and lays down the law despite the cost it might have on his kids.

Some of the replies on here are SO judgemental. Not everyone’s life works out perfectly & not everyone has kids with the perfect man who sticks around through thick and thin. Not all of it is in the woman’s control. MN in general needs to stop shaming women for “picking the wrong man to have kids with” etc. enough with the judgement. However, whether you leave the father of your 2-year-old over what, in the grand scheme of things, is quite a trivial issue, IS in your control. Why let this woman ruin your relationship? Why let her split your child’s parents up? It doesn’t even seem she’s doing all this cos she wants him back, you said it’s just cos she’s lonely. You need to think of your child, you don’t just leave a relationship at the drop of a hat when you have a child. It’s selfish. You need to communicate with him, not post on here. Sit down with him and tell him it’s upsetting you to the extent you’re thinking about leaving. Tell him he needs to be firm with her. If he does and she doesn’t listen then he needs to start ignoring all the calls and messages. She’ll get bored eventually.

It could easily be a local pub and they have the same friendship circles. Really not that weird imo

People (women) need to be more discerning about who they have children with. A lot of men are shite. But a bit of personal responsibility…

A man with two kids by two different (local?) woman is a screaming red flag.

Is your partner saying he know his ex is inappropriate and he wants her to change and respect boundaries but hes fearful to do so because she may turn toxic?
If so, id say that all the more reason to deal with this issue.
What would happen if your partner didnt answer her multiple calls/messages ,declined to give her lifts ?

He needs to tell her to calm down on the contact that's not child related. Even if he spells it out and tells her straight that you don't like it - fine.
But OP, not every ex contact will be just about children. Some people who split up will still be friends and actually, that is ok, especially if have a child together. You have to ask yourself if you trust him 100% or not, because it doesn't sound like you do. You may have good reason for that.

For that reason mainly, yeah, perhaps it's not wise to get married as of yet.

He’s a man with children with 3 different women, what did you expect?

No, you don’t have to accept things that make you uncomfortable. You have to set your own boundaries.

But, sounds like you’re considering ending your relationship due to the behaviour of your DP’s ex. That’s a big deal if you have a child together. Your DP can’t control his ex’s behaviour. Sounds like he tries not to indulge it and has taken your concerns seriously. It likely won’t go on forever.

IMHO, the ideal is for parents to be good friends. It’s the best thing for the child. Of course, it’s not always appropriate (e.g. domestic abuse) or possible, even in time (too much hurt, bitterness etc). But new partners should accept and encourage a good relationship between a child’s parents.

If you feel secure in your relationship, why does it bother you how your DP’s (perhaps lonely and flirty - or perhaps simply friendly) ex behaves? If you can trust your DP, and there are no signs he encourages it, why does it matter?

So @Wafflecakes when you sat him
Down to have this conversation with him and explained what you have here, what did he say? Because I think that tells you what you need to know.
Understanding of your concerns and agreeing to work together to reduce her contact with him, getting a backbone to say no to her unreasonable requests, explaining to her he has a partner and her behaviour is inappropriate and their contact should just be about their child - ok.
Laughing it off, dismissing your feelings, making no attempt to didcusd this with her etc - not ok. He likes the attention and won't be doing anything to stop it.

He has a lack of boundaries as he isn't upholding any. She starts whittling on about her personal life? "Yes sounds like you have alot going on, as this conversation is no longer about our child I'm going now" She comes and sits with him and his mates? They can move. Asks him to buy her drinks? Asks him to give her lifts that aren't for childs benefit? He can say no. He can't control how she acts but he can control his responses and his responses encourage her actions, he's not doing anything to deter her.

This.

When I was younger, I would have thought people like your partner were ‘nice’. (As in never confrontational). ‘Tim’s such a nice guy.’ Now I think almost the complete opposite. I have no respect for people who don’t stand up for the people they allegedly love because they ‘don’t like conflict.’

@Fearlesssloth I fully admot to being judgemental. My parents divorced because they shouldn't have married in the first place. It emotionally crippled me for two decades, so yes I think people should enter relationships and parenthood with significant consideration for the children and/or future children who happen to be real live children rather than dollies.

They fuck you up your mum and dad and more so if they they hop from one dysfunctional relationship to another.

@Wafflecakes Tell him that he needs to draw boundaries. Help him make a list that you both agree to: ex

• set times for calls with ds
• communication through email rather than calls with your dh
• tell her straight out "we are not friends- we are just coparenting- so no socialising in the pub or bringing her somewhere

Tell him not to worry about her limiting contact- he can go to court and have it settled and that's what he should tell her if she starts to bring in her son as leverage.