Do I just have to accept this

[Wafflecakes]

My partner and I have been together for 5 years and have a 2 year old together. He has 2 children with 2 other women and I have two children with my ex.

my ex and I only have contact to discuss children and childcare arrangements nothing more he is with someone else and I never want to cross any boundaries so keep conversations brief and child focused. My partners sons mum has zero boundaries and will call my partner more than I do. She messages multiple times every single day and will also call. When I have been with him I see how he tries to keep it very brief as she will go off talking about her life, weekends out etc. whenever she sends photos of her son she will include herself in the pictures. She turns up at family events uninvited. Anyway, she’s always seemed friendly enough even if abit overbearing and over the top but she doesn’t have any friends and a very small family so I do wonder if she just lonely.

it has started to cause issues with my partner and my relationship. If she sees my partner in the pub with friends she will go and sit with them and ask him to buy her a drink, she is calling more than ever, messaging all the time and now asking for lifts to places when he collects his son. How can he approach this without causing issues as I know he’s very reluctant to fall out with her and have a toxic relationship like he does with his other child’s mum?

I’ve actually told him I can’t stay in the relationship if this continues as his son is 6 and there will be many more years of this…
his friends and family have made comments to me about how it’s inappropriate and she’s crossing the line so this isn’t in my head

There are many hugely simple ways to stop this- he could get a separate phone for discussions with her, or just communicate about access via an app. When he sees her number, can he not miss the call and say she should text if it’s urgent? The pub thing, surely it’s the easiest thing in the world to just go and stand at the bar, “take a call” outside or just go home/ to another pub if she goes to sit with them?

That said I do think it’s good for the kids if the parents can have a good relationship when divorced, but this does involve clear boundaries on both sides which it sounds like neither your partner nor his ex can manage.

Toxoplasmosis? That's a really random thing to blame it on!

And the partner also is the mother of his child!

You do realise the contraceptive pill fails, right? Trying to say this woman trapped your dp into having a child with her is a stretch. By the sounds of it he chose not to use a condom when having sex with a woman of childbearing age. Your sexism is disgusting.

He needs to stop picking up her calls, ignore any message that isn't about the child, say no to lifts and if she sits next to him at the pub he needs to ask her to give him some space as he isn't out with her.
I wouldnt put up with any of what you mentioned. If they have set days and times then there is no need to call at all.
My husband and his ex have had 1 phone call in 17 years!

It happens all the time. I know 2 women who have said they are on the pill but weren't to get pregnant.
Yes the man should wrap up but its not a stretch that women lie about contraception.

This is such a despicable post. You must be really unhappy to be so nasty to someone.

Probably shouldn’t be with her child’s father then. She will be there until the kid is 18.

Exactly - make it make sense!

He's got 3 children with 3 different mothers. That in itself is a massive red flag against getting married.

You say he has one toxic relationship already, I'd say he has 2, they've just different varieties of toxic. The common denominator in all this is him.

It's easy to blame the women for this and I'm sure he does. When he moves on, he'll probably blame you while he's getting baby number 4 from the next woman.

He's probably encouraging her. If not directly then indirectly by allowing her to continue thinking they have some kind of relationship beyond just the child. He probably likes the attention.

She’s not the issue . You need to explain to your dp your finding it too much ad ask him to put boundaries in place. If he won’t then you either accept it or leave

Then make it clear to him he has a choice- put his foot down with his ex (say no to lifts, drinks etc) or say goodbye to you.

I was once seeing a single dad like this. Ex wife would ring him late at night and threw a tantrum when she found out he had bought me a birthday present. Ran for the hills.

He was back together with her a month after we split coincidentally when he was being made homeless.

Never again. I get on well with my XH but difference is we’re both single. If he had a partner, I would only contact him regarding ds.

Bottom line, talk to him about it @Wafflecakes if you haven't done so already by now.
If he's not prepared to put up some boundaries for you and your child then you need to think about breaking up.
What a shit situation to be in.

Do you trust him?

What does your partner think? Is he happy with this set up? Does he agree with your view that its too much? Is he afraid to rock the boat with her but willing to end up seperated from you?

both him and the OP have a history of broken relationships, why make out he is "manly" because he is on the receiving end of an ex who won't let go ?

The problem is with the ex being unwilling to move on.

if the OP cannot discuss that with her current partner, then it does not say much about the current relationship. He is possibly being "unmanly" in that , as OP says, he does not want to have a toxic scenario with the ex given there is a child involved who at that age could still be poisoned against one side or the other.

When a couple get together with baggage on ether side, then both should expect and make allowances for previous partners still being around. The way this post reads is OP is insecure in the current relationship and is jealous of the fact current partner has not forcibly cut all previous ties.

You don’t have to accept it, because this isn’t just good parenting anymore. He needs to set clear limits and stick to child contact only, otherwise he is choosing to keep the door open for her behaviour. If he won’t do that, I’d think hard about marriage because this will not improve on its own.

Don't let people get in your ear and wind you up first and foremost. It's great that his friends and family have got an opinion, but it would be more constructive for them to have a word with him, rather than widing you up to "do something" and sitting back and watching the drama.

This is a matter between you and him. How does he plan to deal with it? Is he unwilling to have any boundaries whatsoever?

You are correct that you shouldn't be in a relationship with him if this situation doesn't change. Sorry but it was very foolish of you to have a child with such a man, he's clearly not good partnership material, or good parenting material. I doubt he will change and it's not in your children's best interests to let this continue.

She either wants him back,or misses him running around after her giving her lifts every where.he needs to tell her to back off

I agree with this actually.

I think you and him should tackle
it together. I would probably lean into it and make friends with her and see if I can reset the patterns a bit. You could ask her outright if she still has feelings for him and see how she responds. I think you’ve had a child now and you need to find some resilience in this situation. You would rather your own child also had a life like this between two complex parents , than you make some effort will to resolve it..?? Have you tried counseling with your partner?? Start There. Good luck x

Children whose parents are married have a 50% chance of their parents being together when they hit 16.
Children whose parents are not married have less than 10%.
Children whose parents are married do better at school, in their own relationships, in the job market, with earning capacity.
Why women keep having kids with men who don’t commit to them is beyond me. All of these half siblings everywhere.

I suppose you know that when he moves on to his 4th ‘baby mamma’ you will be fine to phone him when you want.

I despair I really do.