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Original poster

Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

368 replies

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 19:46

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
NiceCupOfChai · 09/02/2026 10:22

JuliettaCaeser · 08/02/2026 19:50

Seems abit of an overreaction on your part. I mean it’s not great but not that bad taking into account his salary.

Funny I would say the opposite. Given his salary he shouldn’t need to be 9k
in debt. I would find a grown, single man with no dependents who cannot budget on a salary of 65k a complete turn off.

Blanketpolicy · 09/02/2026 10:38

This apparent apathy and lack of fundamental financial awareness in a mature adult would be a right turn off for me. With access to accounts on your phone at your fingertips how does any competent adult get themselves into an embarrassing situation where their card is declined?

Does he have any savings, is he making decent pension contributions?

I would not plan on any future with this one. At 44 he is already all the man he’ll ever be, you can’t change him and it is not your responsibility (and you will fail) to fix him.

Allisnotlost1 · 09/02/2026 10:44

shuggles · 08/02/2026 22:32

If you're a clown with money and you buy silly things like alcohol, more than one foreign holiday a year, and a car on one of those stupid "PCP deals" (I think that's what they're called), then you might have difficulty with your finances. For normal people, a £65k salary is a fortune and I would probably feel as if I could buy anything I wanted on that.

Show quote history

If you think you can buy ‘anything you want’ on 65k then I guess you don’t want very much. Which is great for you, but doesn’t mean someone who wants things you don’t want is ‘a clown’.

NiceCupOfChai · 09/02/2026 10:47

Allisnotlost1 · 09/02/2026 10:44

If you think you can buy ‘anything you want’ on 65k then I guess you don’t want very much. Which is great for you, but doesn’t mean someone who wants things you don’t want is ‘a clown’.

Show quote history

Exactly. You can’t buy what you want on 65k and so need to budget accordingly. A single man with no dependents who
cannot manage on a salary of 65k is a bit of a clown. It shows a level of immaturity, inability to plan, inability to prioritise, I could go on. Massive turn off.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 09/02/2026 11:02

I earn half that and have debts double that

You have only been seeing him a year - just. How early on in the relationship did you start discussing his debt? Maybe he wasn't comfortable back then telling you the truth, embarrassed maybe or that it just wasn't any of your business.

GasPanic · 09/02/2026 11:30

It sounds like he is crap with money and you are overly controlling about being interested/involved in his finances.

What is the future you plan for this relationship.

And bear in mind the next person you meet may not want someone going through their books.

2Rebecca · 09/02/2026 13:23

Surely after a year with someone you want to know if your attitude to money is compatible? I find it very odd that some women here would keep going out with a bloke for over a year without discussing the future of the relationship and how much money you both have. Some people seem to view a year as a short time where as for me unless it is very casual that is when you take things more seriously. I would see no point continuing a relationship with someone who is poor with money for as long as a year. It sounds as though he drinks heavily too

PaterPower · 09/02/2026 13:28

Womaninhouse17 · 09/02/2026 08:47

If, if, if... It's just not going to happen.

Show quote history

You’re probably right, and if he’s got an aqua card his credit history may be shot to hell anyway. He may even find it difficult to remortgage when his current one comes to term.

OP - I think you should point him towards one of the credit help charities and then take a big step backwards.

Original poster
SG1301 · 09/02/2026 15:17

Thanks everyone... Yes I do know the friends who lent him money, well at least I know one of them. I don't think they are made up, or the salary made up. It's just all quite odd and I did say he could sell his flat but he doesn't think that is the right approach. It's interesting some of you think it's too soon to talk about money in a relationship.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 09/02/2026 16:35

For a bit more perspective @SG1301

When I met my now husband he was open from the get go about being in debt. 30k to be precise. He was open, honest, showed me all paper work and admitted he’d buried his head a little and had just been making minimum payments.

He was totally open to criticism and knew he’d been foolish and it was at this point he rang the different creditors, banks etc an asked what could be done with each different loan, credit card. Some moved him to a frozen 0% interest, some he was able to pause, some he moved.

He paid off this 30K debt over 2.5 years on a salary of 35k! It came with dedication and sacrifice but it was what he wanted.

It doesn’t sound like your partner is being forthcoming with the facts.

cloudtreecarpet · 09/02/2026 16:38

SG1301 · 09/02/2026 15:17

Thanks everyone... Yes I do know the friends who lent him money, well at least I know one of them. I don't think they are made up, or the salary made up. It's just all quite odd and I did say he could sell his flat but he doesn't think that is the right approach. It's interesting some of you think it's too soon to talk about money in a relationship.

Sell his flat? To pay off 9k of debt?

His mortgage payment isn't that high compared to his salary?
Maybe get a lodger before selling the flat? But really he should be able to survive on that salary with no dependents.

pilates · 09/02/2026 16:41

Are you sure he’s not doing drugs.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone I can’t trust.

Aluna · 09/02/2026 16:44

SG1301 · 09/02/2026 15:17

Thanks everyone... Yes I do know the friends who lent him money, well at least I know one of them. I don't think they are made up, or the salary made up. It's just all quite odd and I did say he could sell his flat but he doesn't think that is the right approach. It's interesting some of you think it's too soon to talk about money in a relationship.

Not when you’re 36. If you want kids you’re wasting time. If not you could always adopt him and parent him permanently… 😙

timetostandup79 · 09/02/2026 16:48

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 19:46

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

He let you look through his bank accounts?? OP this is way to enmeshed. You've only been together a year! He's a grown man. Unless you are about to become financially tied, his debt (which is not loads in this day and age) is not your business. If it is such an issue for you, then I think you need to walk away. You can't enter a relationship expecting to scrutinise his money - are you going to take control and give him pocket money to put your mind at ease?

ACynicalDad · 09/02/2026 16:52

£85k he'll take home near enough £5k, £1,700 on mortgage, maybe another 800 on bills etc. even if he spends £500 on food and transport he could clear £2k of debt a month. Things will come up, but if he really wanted to he could be debt free within the year easily. Might help to move it all to interest free cards so he's not paying interest along the way, but they need managing.

HelenaWilson · 09/02/2026 17:11

his debt (which is not loads in this day and age)....

It's not the amount of debt, it's that he doesn't seem to know why he's in debt, and how to stop getting into more debt, and doesn't have any plan to clear it.

Beatriz85 · 09/02/2026 17:39

Aluna · 09/02/2026 16:44

Not when you’re 36. If you want kids you’re wasting time. If not you could always adopt him and parent him permanently… 😙

Show quote history

I agree! There are some odd replies on mumsnet all the time. If you are looking for serious relations, you have to discuss important things otherwise you're wasting your time.

Original poster
SG1301 · 09/02/2026 17:39

Yes exactly, I think some people are coming at this from a different angle. I don't like any debt but understand it is part of life for some people, it's really about why he is in the debt and a plan to clear it. So like an attitude thing.

OP posts:
Beatriz85 · 09/02/2026 17:45

You're not an unreasonable one here OP. Personally, 1 year is plenty of time to know the person well enough to talk about future, finances, possibly of marriage etc. Debt and poor financial planning would really put me off too. My DH had some debts when we started dating, but circumstances were completely different to yours

Silverbirchleaf · 09/02/2026 17:57

HelenaWilson · 09/02/2026 17:11

his debt (which is not loads in this day and age)....

It's not the amount of debt, it's that he doesn't seem to know why he's in debt, and how to stop getting into more debt, and doesn't have any plan to clear it.

This.

Plus I think upthread that op and ex-dp had a casual conversation about finances, and that led to a more in depth analysis. Op didn’t ask for a forensic analysis of his money., I think a year is fine, especially if you’re contemplating a long term future together . When I was in my twenties, it was quite usual to get engaged after one year and married within two.

WallaceinAnderland · 09/02/2026 18:06

The only problem is that he won't say what he's spent all the money on. He must still be lying to you.

Original poster
SG1301 · 09/02/2026 18:22

Well it doesn’t seem like anything unusual in his accounts - food and drink, TfL, smoking I guess, bills and interest payments. I think it’s like a cycle isn’t it, once you’re in it you start to drown. His debt isn’t my responsibility I agree, but it’s not nice seeing a partner constantly worrying or anxious. So was trying to help. I do think he wants to sort it out but it annoys me that it’s taken me leaving to make him realise that more seriously… I just don’t want to throw away something good as there are not tons of nice men haha

OP posts:
Original poster
SG1301 · 09/02/2026 20:50

WallaceinAnderland · 09/02/2026 18:06

The only problem is that he won't say what he's spent all the money on. He must still be lying to you.

He says just life - food and drink etc

OP posts:
Original poster
SG1301 · 09/02/2026 20:57

pilates · 09/02/2026 16:41

Are you sure he’s not doing drugs.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone I can’t trust.

im pretty sure I can’t see any evidence of it?

OP posts:
shuggles · 09/02/2026 21:20

Allisnotlost1 · 09/02/2026 10:44

If you think you can buy ‘anything you want’ on 65k then I guess you don’t want very much. Which is great for you, but doesn’t mean someone who wants things you don’t want is ‘a clown’.

Show quote history

You will find a lot more money in your pocket if you don't hire cars on "PCP deals."

No one cares what car you drive.