For not sharing my gluten free cake?

[mypantsareonfire]

Okay, so I know I’m not - being coeliac sucks at the best of times, and especially where cake is involved. But I’m a bit “wtf” over it.

My children had a “surprise” birthday party for me with PIL, SIL and BIL and their children, and my best friend and her two children. I don’t celebrate my birthday but they wanted to do it, and It was very sweet of them.

Dh bought birthday cakes - a gluten free one for me and two larger, generic supermarket cakes for everyone else. I mean they look pretty much the same, the GF one just has a bit more buttercream and sprinkles on - aside from the gf one being smaller, twice the bloody price and not as nice tasting.

Cake time and dh starts cutting up the “normal cakes” for all the guests and handing it out. SIL asks if she can have some of the other cake, dh says, no, that’s the GF one, I’m just about to put it away for (me) to have later. He then puts it away in a cupboard (it had already been put back in the box for cross contamination purposes). My children wanted to put my candles on the GF for me to blow out, that’s the only reason it was out.

They all have some cake - I don’t yet, cake crumbs and 9 children eating biscuits and pizza, it’s a cross contamination nightmare until we’ve cleaned it all up.

We are all in the other part of the house having fun. SIL brings more cake out of the kitchen for her 4 children (see where this is going), it was the gf cake, big chunks of it. She said her children said it looked nicer and she wanted some. only they don’t like it. Of course they don’t, who would, given the choice. I don’t say anything though, just clear it aside.

She had also plonked it on the the same cutting board the non gluten free cake was on and used the same knife, so the bit she said she’d “saved” for me isn’t safe to eat anyway.

We don’t live on Albert square, so no drama ensued. But BIL (dh brother) took her into the kitchen and she came out in a complete huff, sitting on her own and dramatically sniffing and dabbing at her eyes. MIL asked her if she was okay, she wouldn’t speak. I said, “hey, are you okay?” (I had no idea BIL had said anythings about cake at this point), and she just stared daggers at me and walked off.

BIL took me aside and apologised to me and said he’d asked her what possessed her, she’d said the children thought it looked nicer than they caked they were offered. I tell him it’s really not a big deal, it’s only cake, please don’t worry about it and just enjoy the party.

Everyone left, all happy, apart from SIL who walked past me like I was invisible (remember, haven’t said a thing to her about it, and remember, I don’t fucking care, I’m not 5!)

Dh said he would pop out to Tesco to get another cake, I say don’t worry, I’ll have some another day, it’s not a big deal. A couple of hours later, BIL turns up with a new cake, apologises again, I say thank you, I appreciate it, but you really didn’t have to do that. All sorted, right?

Nope. SIL has told PIL and her family that she was made to feel very unwelcome in my home and that she won’t be seeing us again and nor will the children. That’s all she said to PIL, who of course asked me what had happened, I told them and they were like, “you should have bloody pulled her up on it yourself at the time!” MIL said she has told SIL she’s being ridiculous and said to me that it will all blow over soon. Which I am sure it will do.

Now, for background, SIL has often rolled her eyes or made comments when we have family events as I bring my own food, or prefer to eat later. I don’t expect anyone to cater for me, or to have to think about cross contamination, and no one else minds at all, they never have done. Me having a different cake, which she thought looked nicer as it had more butter cream on (to hide the shit, dry cake), was probably her tipping point.

Poor BIL now caught in the middle of this absolute non issue that I couldn’t have given a monkeys about anyway!

Like I said, there was no drama. I didn’t say a thing, it was her own husband who noticed, pulled her up on it, and apologised to me. I honestly would have just left it. It’s just a cake and I’m not 5.

I’m just going to wait for it all to blow over, but it’s bloody annoying, right?

I wonder if she gets annoyed at you bringing your own food because it doesn’t give her a chance to “accidentally” cross-contaminate it in order to prove that you don’t get as ill as you say you do. I bet she’s just waiting to one day say, “Surprise! Guess what, your bread touched my sauce! I told you that you didn’t really get that ill!” Not realising that you don’t just spontaneously combust on the spot as soon as you eat it.

Also it’s really common for autoimmune diseases to rear their ugly heads after pregnancy. Two of my friends were diagnosed as coeliac after having babies (one of them it was her second, so not even her first pregnancy). And I’m on the verge of being diagnosed with a completely different autoimmune disease that started showing symptoms a few months after I had my first baby.

I don’t eat gluten free alternatives/ processed food (just cake on my birthday!) So I wouldn’t have eaten the sandwiches, pizza etc anyway, so it would have been a waste of money!

I get what you mean though!

Coeliac solidarity and hat tip to your BIL.

You are instinctively grey-rocking her, OP - the correct treatment for a narcissist.

OP, you are so patient. Probably because you knew the cake below the icing was a bit shit, though not as shitty as your SIL. Even so, I would have caked her to death and felt no remorse.
I hope some of the recommendations on this thread are tasty alternatives for you.

She's an idiot, but fortunately your husband's brother is not, so even if nasty SIL tries to keep her children away as retribution for finally being pulled up on her strange behaviour, it sounds like he'll ensure his kids will still see the rest of the family. It's such a shame when our family or in-laws choose weirdos (or even just extremely irritating people) for partners or spouses.

Even if you didn’t have coeliac it’s outrageous that she went into your kitchen and shared out a cake she was expressly told not to touch - it’s beyond entitled and well into CF territory - incredibly bad mannered. The fact that it then meant you couldn’t eat any of your own birthday cake makes it 10 times worse. She sounds petty, jealous, and vindictive.

Even if you took the whole gluten thing out of it. It is so incredibly rude to go into someone else's kitchen and help yourself, without asking or offering anyone else, to someone else's cake. Especially a birthday cake. Especially when you've already been served some. So incredibly rude.

Yup that’s what I thought - jealousy

But lots of food is naturally gluten free. The grandkids love a joint of gammon or a whole roast chicken, salad, baked potatoes with cheese for their birthday meals. You could have had curry/chilli/casserole with rice. We rarely buy processed "GF" foods as they're generally horrid anyway. And try baking - it's a relevation, processed cakes are dry and horrid. Try this site: https://glutenfreecuppatea.co.uk/ I've never had a bad recipe and the cakes are brilliant.

You don't have to be the odd one out is what I'm clumsily trying to say.

She sounds awful and mean and hey, if she doesn’t feel welcome in “your house”
And “won’t be coming”

so what? You don’t need the stress and nastiness x

The surprising thing about this situation is that your BIL (who sounds lovely) is married to such an asshole.

From what you’ve posted OP, her behaviour at your birthday celebration was pretty true to form, so abhorrent but not a surprise or out of character.

Ignoring her was absolutely the right thing to do.

Your SIL is a complete and utter cunt ... I actually hope she finds the thread and leaves all of you alone going forward. Your BIL deserves a much better person than she clearly is.

Yeah but that’s the mental part.

I could understand if I had said anything to her. Or if dh had. Neither of us said a thing. We just wanted to have a nice, stress free day.

It was her own husband who took her aside and asked what the hell she was thinking. To turn that into being made to feel unwelcome in our home is outrageous!

We both ignored it to not cause a scene or any upset.

Your MIL is fab! At least most of your in-laws are grand.

My neighbour in my old house was coeliac, even her own mum didn't take her seriously. Lots of snide comments over the years. It came to a head on Xmas day when her mum just wouldn't shut up about her not eating a mince pie, so my neighbour ate one, ended up spending the rest of the evening in hospital, just to make a point once and for all. Her mum did take heed after that! It's insane what people refuse to believe.

Well what a piece of work your SIL is and it looks like everyone around her including her DH sees it too. You do well to be so chilled out as you would have every right to be angry.

She sounds pretty miserable but she clearly brings it on herself. Her DH also sounds embarrassed by her.

While you are enjoying your day and not allowing it all to stress you out she can sit and wallow

My god she's awful. Wilfully risking the potential to make you really ill like that... it's awful!

I have a really good friend who is Coeliac. I like to host people so quite often have a bunch of folks around, including her. I always make the entire menu GF because that way she can have all the same options as everyone else without having to worry about it. Not saying that to blow my own trumpet, its just surely what you do for friends you love - and would do the same for family of course!

(Dove's Farm GF flour is great for baking, I don't think you can tell the difference! I think GF brownies I make are better than the 'normal' ones, something about the flour suits them perfectly. )

She went into your cupboard?! That's CF territory itself.

OP. Sponge.co.uk do lots of very decent gf cake if you ever fancy one. Bit dear but they deliver next day if you order early enough in the day! Sorry your SIL is awful. 6 years is enough time to get used to someone having coeliac disease.

Coeliac here, living on a strict gf diet for 46 years so far.

OP I am incensed on your behalf.

One of the very worst aspects of this condition (and there are many!), is how very "othering" it is. No one who does not live with it can ever understand just how upsetting it is, always to have to be the one who has to sit things out, or causes difficulties with the catering, or so often be the unwitting subject of the conversation if new people are there. I have wept bitter tears about it over the years because it is just so unrelenting. You always have to be on your guard, and you never ever get a day off. It takes a great deal of fun out of what are relaxed and happy occasions for everyone else.

The one place you should be able to relax is among your longstanding family, and even more so in your own home. Even more so when you've put something away in the cupboard!!

The fact that this utter see you next Tuesday goes out of her way to bitch about it every time and make you feel uncomfortable is utterly appalling. You are an absolute hero to not rise to it.

I suspect your family will sort this out going forward, but if not I, a respectable middle class lady in my 60s, will happily take her down a back alley and instruct her in the error of her ways. Just say the word. 💕

SIL is an idiot! BIL is a real GEM! Good for him, taking her aside, pulling her up and even buying another cake.

PIL seem on your team too!

This is totally on the SIL, she's only upset at being called out for her behaviour, not because she put your heath at risk.

Absolutely let her stew in her own juices. Don't you dare end up calling her to smooth things over. Let time work in your favour, if you don't see her for a while, so be it. Most likely it will blow over and she won't do it again (for a while).

If in three months she still isn't turning up to family events, make sure your BIL still attends and brings the kids.

Ok so someone who doesn’t really understand about coeliac might not have realised about cross contamination with the chopping board etc

But everything else she did is completely unreasonable! You don’t need to feel bad at all none of this is your fault

Is she always such a dickhead?! Was she being deliberately spiteful? Or is she one of those PFB parents who gives everything to their children and fuck everyone else?

Oh I know. I don’t actually eat anything processed.

But I take my own food because unless you are used to avoiding cross contamination, you don’t realise how easily it can happen.

My kitchen isn’t gluten free. My children eat normal bread, pasta, biscuits etc. But I know how to prepare my food safely in that environment, it’s second nature to me now (and dh), but other people wouldn’t think about the little things.

I went to a friends house for drinks and she had got me a gluten free pizza as a surprise, and got one for herself too so there wouldn’t be any contamination. But she cooked it on the pizza tray that she’d used to cook her children’s pizzas on just before. So I couldn’t eat it. She didn’t know and felt awful. I felt guilty that she’d spent money on GF pizza (expensive and you may as well eat the box!)

so it’s easier all round if I take my own food.

ETA - the party I had for my birthday - my kids did it all. It was a suprise. My 12 year old did all the party food. They knew I wouldn’t eat any, so they did it for themselves and friends/cosuins.

How do nice people end up with such twats?!