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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not sharing my gluten free cake?

330 replies

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 12:16

Okay, so I know I’m not - being coeliac sucks at the best of times, and especially where cake is involved. But I’m a bit “wtf” over it.

My children had a “surprise” birthday party for me with PIL, SIL and BIL and their children, and my best friend and her two children. I don’t celebrate my birthday but they wanted to do it, and It was very sweet of them.

Dh bought birthday cakes - a gluten free one for me and two larger, generic supermarket cakes for everyone else. I mean they look pretty much the same, the GF one just has a bit more buttercream and sprinkles on - aside from the gf one being smaller, twice the bloody price and not as nice tasting.

Cake time and dh starts cutting up the “normal cakes” for all the guests and handing it out. SIL asks if she can have some of the other cake, dh says, no, that’s the GF one, I’m just about to put it away for (me) to have later. He then puts it away in a cupboard (it had already been put back in the box for cross contamination purposes). My children wanted to put my candles on the GF for me to blow out, that’s the only reason it was out.

They all have some cake - I don’t yet, cake crumbs and 9 children eating biscuits and pizza, it’s a cross contamination nightmare until we’ve cleaned it all up.

We are all in the other part of the house having fun. SIL brings more cake out of the kitchen for her 4 children (see where this is going), it was the gf cake, big chunks of it. She said her children said it looked nicer and she wanted some. only they don’t like it. Of course they don’t, who would, given the choice. I don’t say anything though, just clear it aside.

She had also plonked it on the the same cutting board the non gluten free cake was on and used the same knife, so the bit she said she’d “saved” for me isn’t safe to eat anyway.

We don’t live on Albert square, so no drama ensued. But BIL (dh brother) took her into the kitchen and she came out in a complete huff, sitting on her own and dramatically sniffing and dabbing at her eyes. MIL asked her if she was okay, she wouldn’t speak. I said, “hey, are you okay?” (I had no idea BIL had said anythings about cake at this point), and she just stared daggers at me and walked off.

BIL took me aside and apologised to me and said he’d asked her what possessed her, she’d said the children thought it looked nicer than they caked they were offered. I tell him it’s really not a big deal, it’s only cake, please don’t worry about it and just enjoy the party.

Everyone left, all happy, apart from SIL who walked past me like I was invisible (remember, haven’t said a thing to her about it, and remember, I don’t fucking care, I’m not 5!)

Dh said he would pop out to Tesco to get another cake, I say don’t worry, I’ll have some another day, it’s not a big deal. A couple of hours later, BIL turns up with a new cake, apologises again, I say thank you, I appreciate it, but you really didn’t have to do that. All sorted, right?

Nope. SIL has told PIL and her family that she was made to feel very unwelcome in my home and that she won’t be seeing us again and nor will the children. That’s all she said to PIL, who of course asked me what had happened, I told them and they were like, “you should have bloody pulled her up on it yourself at the time!” MIL said she has told SIL she’s being ridiculous and said to me that it will all blow over soon. Which I am sure it will do.

Now, for background, SIL has often rolled her eyes or made comments when we have family events as I bring my own food, or prefer to eat later. I don’t expect anyone to cater for me, or to have to think about cross contamination, and no one else minds at all, they never have done. Me having a different cake, which she thought looked nicer as it had more butter cream on (to hide the shit, dry cake), was probably her tipping point.

Poor BIL now caught in the middle of this absolute non issue that I couldn’t have given a monkeys about anyway!

Like I said, there was no drama. I didn’t say a thing, it was her own husband who noticed, pulled her up on it, and apologised to me. I honestly would have just left it. It’s just a cake and I’m not 5.

I’m just going to wait for it all to blow over, but it’s bloody annoying, right?

OP posts:
cccrazzysnakess · 08/02/2026 14:04

She thought she was being clever and instead ended up completely embarrassing herself, that's what the tantrum is about.

The fact that your BIL didn't pretend not to notice speaks volumes. I wouldn't be surprised if you find their marriage implodes in the not too distant future.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 08/02/2026 14:04

So what if her kids thought it looked nicer. I wouldn’t want to spend time with anyone who does everything their kids want.

shhblackbag · 08/02/2026 14:05

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 12:21

Yea he’s dh older brother. He’s lovely. He really shouldn’t have worried about it as much as he did.

Is he used to her being a disrespectful cow?

She's out of order, and YANBU at all.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 08/02/2026 14:06

There are no words for your SIL. Outrageous behaviour. Your other ILs sound fab though.

I’m GF (sister is diagnosed coeliac, but I haven’t bothered because I don’t want to go back on gluten for four weeks in order to be diagnosed) and a friend’s coeliac mum put me onto Juvela White Mix for baking. It’s the only gf flour I’ve ever used that works well. I make a Victoria Sponge using Juvela, eggs, sugar, gf baking powder and marge, and you honestly wouldn’t know.

I have to buy it on eBay or Amazon because it’s prescription-only, but it’s worth the expense to be able to make something genuinely pleasant that doesn’t need weird ingredients and doesn’t go dry in a day.

I’ve made the orange cake linked above a few times, and it’s beautiful. There’s an Italian chocolate and hazelnut cake that’s naturally gluten-free that’s also amazing.

Owl23 · 08/02/2026 14:06

SmudgeButt · 08/02/2026 13:59

I think you need to learn to spot sarcasm!!

Meanwhile - cross contamination. I must admit I haven't thought too much about this and have made things that are GF but made in a non GF kitchen. A friend mentioned once he had a bit of a bargy with the manager at Tescos when he asked why all the GF items were on the same aisle as the regular bread and flour. Which makes me wonder about some commercial from a few years back where a young lad was showing his sister that she could eat anything from the green plates. Which were mixed in with all the other plates of food. How were the rest of the guests to know that it might be unsafe to swap knives about for cutting cake or whatever???

The ad I saw like that all the plates were the colour they could eat from, may have been a different one though as I think it was a grandmother/grandson.

Pineneedlesincarpet · 08/02/2026 14:07

SIL is a twat. And also a twat for giving in to her kids and letting them have the cake they weren't offered. Spoilt.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 08/02/2026 14:07

Well at least if she ever tries her “it’s rude” routine over you bringing your own safe food to events you can shoot back with “not as rude as stealing somebody’s birthday cake”

StephensLass1977 · 08/02/2026 14:08

Having Crohns sufferers in my family, I know how expensive this sort of food is. I have to buy gluten free and lactose free. Some of it costs a small fortune.

She clearly had her eyes on your cake from the start as she'd kept saying she fancied some (due to extra cream - my goodness, what is she, 5?) and the fact she literally hunted it down in your kitchen and then presented it to her kids and her own self is the worst part. It's not about the cake, it's the helping herself sneakily when she'd been told it was for you, as you cannot tolerate the main cake. That's the part I'd struggle with.

She clearly isn't used to being told "no" which is strange because BIL sounds fantastic.

canklesmctacotits · 08/02/2026 14:10

It would have been one thing (although still pathetic and inexcusable) if she’d been your DH’s sister (she hates you for taking away her DB, she hates you for being another daughter-shaped woman in the family, she hates you for taking her parents’ attention away etc). But you’re two separate women married to two brothers. What entitlement does she have in her mind for treating you like this? Why does she care about you so much? Or was it really about the cake, and that she can’t take “no”? Is she like this about all the ways other people are different from her?

Beachtastic · 08/02/2026 14:11

Well it's a shame you have such an arsehole for a SIL, but on the plus side, everyone knows she's an idiot. Your poor BIL!

RandomMess · 08/02/2026 14:11

I wish karma on your SIL may she get a food intolerance so that she can no longer eat half the food she likes.

I won’t be so unkind as to wish a food allergy on her.

MuchTooTired · 08/02/2026 14:11

I personally love sharing my gf food with muggles because I like to feel like I’m included and how it was normal back before coeliacs disease.

If someone took it and then cross contaminated it with gluten I’d be very upset because it shows a complete lack of respect for my genuine dietary requirements. If my 7 year olds can manage to not cross contaminate my food, a grown woman (who I assume is fully aware of things!) should be able to too.

She is 100% in the wrong and is an absolute drama llama.

CatherinedeBourgh · 08/02/2026 14:13

She's clearly an attention seeker who will resent anyone getting any attention or being 'special' who is not her. Ignore her.

BTW, have you tried the tesco's finest triple chocolate gluten free cookies? They are my dc's favourite biscuits in the whole world, and they have no issues with gluten.

ParmaVioletTea · 08/02/2026 14:13

Oh you poor thing @mypantsareonfire Your SiL is totally idiotic.

i thought my SiL was bad enough - there is a coeliac in the family who gets properly ill if food has gluten. They never make a fuss and at gatherings we always have menus that are pretty gluten free.

Every family meal, my SiL goes on about how she is gluten intolerant and was bloated last time she ate bread.

Basically she just eats too much, bread or otherwise.

But your SiL takes the cake ! (In all senses of that phrase)

ChequerToRed · 08/02/2026 14:13

Does she have a tendency towards drama?
People like that are awful, they’ll create a scene then act the victim just to centre themselves in whatever’s going on. Ugh.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 08/02/2026 14:15

Two coeliac grandchildren here, who hate shop bought cakes at the best of times so I always make an effort to bake something for them (thanks to Becky Excell we've had a few brilliant bakes recently) but it really pisses me off when someone else always wants to try it - especially when there is other cake on offer. I've made it for the kids, not everyone else and you can always guarantee they contaminate it somehow.

milliewillie · 08/02/2026 14:15

Similar happened to me with my vegan cake. Except they stole it and they loved it!
none left for me ☹️

pizzaHeart · 08/02/2026 14:16

You are very patient and forgiving person OP. Your SIL’s behavior was appalling. And the main problem that it wasn’t an accident, it was deliberate ignorance on her side considering your updates.
She sounds so plain stupid tbh. Yes, you were diagnosed later but most illnesses don’t come from birth. I wonder if it was just a tip of the iceberg and BIL noticed her behavior towards you and was raising it with her already.

I think you should leave them to sort it out between themselves. I wouldn’t approach her with an olive branch - she is the one who owes your apology.
She needs to address it for her own good. She shouldn’t be so mean and ignorant to people. The boomerang of life might come back and hit her hard.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 08/02/2026 14:18

You are not wrong, gf cake is awful, dairy free is often lumped in with gf so I absolutely hear you!!

Your SIL is a spoilt little twat and all I can say is good for BIL for putting his wife straight. I admit doing it at the party was poor but she is a knob for being shotty with you abiut it!!

godmum56 · 08/02/2026 14:19

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 12:42

Yes. She’s often made comments over the years about my “diet”. I have told her it’s not a diet, I have an autoimmune disease.

I don’t make an issue of it at all. I happily take my own food.

It makes it more difficult as I was only diagnosed 6 years ago, at the age of 40. I didn’t have any symptoms before they suddenly onset out of the blue. I honestly thought I was dying just after I had my last baby - turned out after a lot of tests for horrendous things, that I am coeliac, which while it’s not ideal, was a hell of a lot better than the alternatives!

So I have had some issues with people saying I was fine before, why have I suddenly changed what I eat, how could I suddenly be coeliac over night? It’s like they don’t belive me that it’s for a medical reason, and that just being awkward.

Edited

auto immune diseases strike out of the blue. No one is surprised if someone suddenly gets Rhumatoid Arthritis.....or maybe there are some idiots who are....

as an aside, I wonder how much longer that marriage will last for (your BiL's I mean)

dottymac · 08/02/2026 14:22

So she went in and dug it out of a cupboard -WOW! She's a Total bint.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 08/02/2026 14:25

Given it was your birthday OP, it wouldn't have been unreasonable to have catered the whole thing gluten free. Then you can have a day off stressing about contamination. It's not a food fad, it's a serious disease that can do massive damage inside if the right diet isn't followed. I actually think you're being far too passive about this, she had no right at all to serve her kids that cake.

Theyikesdyke · 08/02/2026 14:26

SeraphinaGia · 08/02/2026 13:12

You must be the ignorant sister in law with a comment like that 🙄

Its sarcasm darling x

BuckChuckets · 08/02/2026 14:27

Brefugee · 08/02/2026 12:22

tbh? i am petty, vindictive and i anger easily.
She would have had that cake smushed in her face and told to leave.

You sound lovely, your BIL sounds lovely, your DH and kids sound lovely. Sil is, frankly, a bit of a cunt. Laugh at her. A lot.

All of this! 👏🏼

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 14:28

ChequerToRed · 08/02/2026 14:13

Does she have a tendency towards drama?
People like that are awful, they’ll create a scene then act the victim just to centre themselves in whatever’s going on. Ugh.

Yeah, she can be a bit of a dick. She’s only made a few comments to me, but I’ve not had much as I am pretty unshakable to be honest. I never react, mainly because I can’t be arsed with arguments and drama. If someone wants to be a dick to me, that’s fine. I chose not to react. They usually get bored.

Dh has another sister who that SIL has caused trouble with. She won’t attend things that cake gate SIL is at, she’s like me and doesn’t like arguments so stays away from the goading.

OP posts: