For not sharing my gluten free cake?

[mypantsareonfire]

Okay, so I know I’m not - being coeliac sucks at the best of times, and especially where cake is involved. But I’m a bit “wtf” over it.

My children had a “surprise” birthday party for me with PIL, SIL and BIL and their children, and my best friend and her two children. I don’t celebrate my birthday but they wanted to do it, and It was very sweet of them.

Dh bought birthday cakes - a gluten free one for me and two larger, generic supermarket cakes for everyone else. I mean they look pretty much the same, the GF one just has a bit more buttercream and sprinkles on - aside from the gf one being smaller, twice the bloody price and not as nice tasting.

Cake time and dh starts cutting up the “normal cakes” for all the guests and handing it out. SIL asks if she can have some of the other cake, dh says, no, that’s the GF one, I’m just about to put it away for (me) to have later. He then puts it away in a cupboard (it had already been put back in the box for cross contamination purposes). My children wanted to put my candles on the GF for me to blow out, that’s the only reason it was out.

They all have some cake - I don’t yet, cake crumbs and 9 children eating biscuits and pizza, it’s a cross contamination nightmare until we’ve cleaned it all up.

We are all in the other part of the house having fun. SIL brings more cake out of the kitchen for her 4 children (see where this is going), it was the gf cake, big chunks of it. She said her children said it looked nicer and she wanted some. only they don’t like it. Of course they don’t, who would, given the choice. I don’t say anything though, just clear it aside.

She had also plonked it on the the same cutting board the non gluten free cake was on and used the same knife, so the bit she said she’d “saved” for me isn’t safe to eat anyway.

We don’t live on Albert square, so no drama ensued. But BIL (dh brother) took her into the kitchen and she came out in a complete huff, sitting on her own and dramatically sniffing and dabbing at her eyes. MIL asked her if she was okay, she wouldn’t speak. I said, “hey, are you okay?” (I had no idea BIL had said anythings about cake at this point), and she just stared daggers at me and walked off.

BIL took me aside and apologised to me and said he’d asked her what possessed her, she’d said the children thought it looked nicer than they caked they were offered. I tell him it’s really not a big deal, it’s only cake, please don’t worry about it and just enjoy the party.

Everyone left, all happy, apart from SIL who walked past me like I was invisible (remember, haven’t said a thing to her about it, and remember, I don’t fucking care, I’m not 5!)

Dh said he would pop out to Tesco to get another cake, I say don’t worry, I’ll have some another day, it’s not a big deal. A couple of hours later, BIL turns up with a new cake, apologises again, I say thank you, I appreciate it, but you really didn’t have to do that. All sorted, right?

Nope. SIL has told PIL and her family that she was made to feel very unwelcome in my home and that she won’t be seeing us again and nor will the children. That’s all she said to PIL, who of course asked me what had happened, I told them and they were like, “you should have bloody pulled her up on it yourself at the time!” MIL said she has told SIL she’s being ridiculous and said to me that it will all blow over soon. Which I am sure it will do.

Now, for background, SIL has often rolled her eyes or made comments when we have family events as I bring my own food, or prefer to eat later. I don’t expect anyone to cater for me, or to have to think about cross contamination, and no one else minds at all, they never have done. Me having a different cake, which she thought looked nicer as it had more butter cream on (to hide the shit, dry cake), was probably her tipping point.

Poor BIL now caught in the middle of this absolute non issue that I couldn’t have given a monkeys about anyway!

Like I said, there was no drama. I didn’t say a thing, it was her own husband who noticed, pulled her up on it, and apologised to me. I honestly would have just left it. It’s just a cake and I’m not 5.

I’m just going to wait for it all to blow over, but it’s bloody annoying, right?

Also a sponge with pure cornflour, it’s delicate to make though but delicious. A fair few cakes are fine with gf flour too- I have coeliac friends and so do my kids. Or, anything from this lady’s gf blog!
fromthelarder.co.uk

How utterly fucking rude to just go and help yourself to something in someone else’s house?!? Never mind the fact that you’d already been told no and why not.

And then to have a tantrum over it?!!! Outrageous behaviour from your SIL.

Don’t think about it - you didn’t nothing wrong at all. In fact, you were far more polite and tolerant than many people would have been.

It sounds like SIL purposely waited until you were away from the cake, then took the opportunity to take pieces of it. That would have been extremely rude quite apart from the GF angle. I’m glad BIL gave her a dressing down. I’d think the reason she said she wouldn’t see you anymore was from embarrassment - but she brought that on herself.

However, I do think I’d take this as an educational opportunity, either directly or via a third party. She’s clearly ignorant about coeliac disease. I know you said you explained it was auto-immune but say/write more. Tell her how many people are diagnosed well into adulthood; tell her how even a crumb can make you very ill; tell her about the effects of being glutened; about cross contamination and give examples, etc. I’d also mention how expensive GF food can be.

I doubt she’ll apologise but hopefully she won’t repeat her actions, will be more careful going forward, and will educate her children about it.

OP, I think it is a bit weird how you are down playing her absolutely shockingly rude and ignorant behaviour.

Her behaviour is low class scum behaviour and NOT normal at all.

Your poor BIL married to that.
He sounds lovely and rightly appalled by her.
Cross contamination is so awful in its impact for those it affects.
She clearly wants a reason to cut contact.

Do not have her in your home again.
BIL can manage his wife and children and it is up to him to maintain contact.

She wishes you ill. Stay far away from her.

They're in Germany, the Land of Cake, so perhaps there's a broader conception of what "cake" can be like...it seems to me, from scanning a few of the roughly 1400 user-submitted gluten-free cake recipes that come up on "chefkoch.de", that there's broadly 2 strategies adopted: replace the normal flour with an alternative flour, or have a recipe that doesn't involve flour at all (and never did). Ground nuts seems to be a favourite. Lots of recipes for chocolate-walnut or chocolate-hazelnut or coffee-walnut cakes. YUM.

Here's a link to a walnut chocolate one that looks great (some of the reviewers wanted to add some sugar); am sure Google Translate will help with the German: walnut chocolate cake

I’m adding that blog to my list for next time I need gluten-free cake ideas, also @Trivium4all’s suggestion 🙏

Absolutely agree! Awful behaviour! And then to put it on the chopping board where the other cake had been? Selfish, entitled and stupid! Your poor bil. What is wrong with her that she’s in a mood with you when you didn’t even react?

Wait, did you end up not actually having ANY cake at all at your own birthday party? While you SiL and kids had double cake!? Fucking bitch would be under the patio 😂

You're far more forgiving than I would be. Bizarre behaviour from your SIL, but people like that don't tend to feel shame. They twist the narrative in their head to make it seem like they're the injured party.

Bet she's a spoiled brat about other things too.

Oh, she knows.

She has made many comments before. My parents in law love having everyone round for a Chinese takeaway every 6 weeks or so. I can’t eat that, so I bring my own food with me.

Everyone is fine with that, apart from SIL. She once told me it was very rude. I told her exactly what happens to me (it’s mainly horrendous brain fog like I’m living in treacle, my eyesight issues get worse for hours which is frightening, joint pain so intense I can’t walk for a couple of days, as well as the horrendous stomach issues).

MIL has told her to stop making comments before, that she doesn’t see it as rude at all, she would rather I was there with my own food that not at all - MIL just feels very guilty that I can’t eat like everyone else, she has no issue with me brining my own food, she just wishes I didn’t have to.

She does sound jealous - ridiculous to you I know, but 'special treatment' and 'making a fuss' (even though you didn't - you must have the patience of a saint). Just ignore her - even her own family think she was out of order. You sound like you have a lovely family and a lot of support - the SiL can go and sulk by herself.

Everyone knows gf cakes are expensive but not as nice as regular cake. When you told her no and put it away she had no right to go and get it out to give to her kids dho obviously would not like it anyway. A good job your DH and brother are taking care of you OP. I would have said at the time I told you not to use the gf cake. Why did you do the opposite of what I said when there were 2 other cakes for others to eat? Her punishment should have been to have to eat the gf cake, which I agree are always dry and not very nice, so she knows for another time. She is so rude.

I stopped dh going out to get another, so no, I wouldn’t have unless BIL got me a replacement!

I’m honestly not that fussed about sweet things anymore though.

Mum of a coeliac here, my DD was diagnosed 6 years ago and it’s still a struggle with her grandparents, they’re always ‘accidentally’ cross contaminating things then they get huffy when they’re called out on it. Like it’s my fault although the kitchen is fully labelled up so no excuses. My DD would have gone ballistic about the cake - it’s so thoughtless of your SIL. But your ILs all sound lovely and considerate x

She’s a CF for going into your kitchen and helping herself to cake that you’d put away. Add in your (obviously very real) dietary requirements and she is a complete dick.
Ignore her, she’s an attention seeking weirdo.

I can’t get over that she asked for your cake, your husband said no and put it away yet she still ended up getting it out and eating/wasting it. WHO DOES THAT? And now she’s acting the victim? Christ.

I think you need to learn to spot sarcasm!!

Meanwhile - cross contamination. I must admit I haven't thought too much about this and have made things that are GF but made in a non GF kitchen. A friend mentioned once he had a bit of a bargy with the manager at Tescos when he asked why all the GF items were on the same aisle as the regular bread and flour. Which makes me wonder about some commercial from a few years back where a young lad was showing his sister that she could eat anything from the green plates. Which were mixed in with all the other plates of food. How were the rest of the guests to know that it might be unsafe to swap knives about for cutting cake or whatever???

Gluten free baked goods can taste a lot nicer if you microwave them for 10-20 seconds before eating. You could add some cream, custard or ice cream or non-dairy alternative.

Some people are just really really odd. They also can't own up to their mistakes, instead either playing the victim or going on the attack. People are utterly tiresome like that.
All she needed to do is take it on the chin and apologise? But going by her actions - wanting the cake that looks better (immature and greedy) and helping herself, I don't expect her to act like a grown up any time soon.

You BIL is a good bloke, at least he takes your food needs seriously!

This is why I don’t make a fuss. I’ve learned in life that if people can behave like this, they can twist anything.

So I didn’t say a word, I don’t need anymore stress.

“i am petty, vindictive and i anger easily.”

This is quite the CV 😜😜

What an absolute bitch
keep an eye on her OP. Shes audacious malicious and shameless and doesn’t mean well toward you.
she doesn’t want to come over anymore? Great because she can’t be trusted in your house.

Some people are sceptical about others food intolerances. I have to admit I was too, until I witnessed a reaction to a nut allergy. Your SIL sounds like a complete cow, who deliberately carved up your cake as an act of defiance but on the plus side your BIL is a prince. She has been humiliated, no-one is defending her, so she's probably also massively embarrassed. Give it time.

OMG! I’d given her the benefit of the doubt a bit but that’s outrageous! She sounds very, very jealous of you being ‘special’. The fact you’re ‘special’ because you have a serious auto-immune condition doesn’t seem to bother her, and presumably she thinks she’s equally entitled to ‘be special’ for some spurious reason.

It’s immature and nasty. I’d be watching her like a hawk in case she decides to test you by surreptitiously adding a tiny amount of non-GF food to yours in an attempt to catch you out. She sounds unhinged. Your poor BIL!

Jesus, imagine being so entitled as to help yourself to a different cake at someone else's party because your kids said it looked nicer! Even if my kids did say that I would be like ‘Tough you’re having this one’ 🤷‍♀️