My ds keep shaming me

[Sunshining20]

My 4 and 5 year old DS have taken to calling me the worst fattest mum in the world every time I don't give in to TV or snack demands. They also tell me to shut my mouth and hit me. But the calling me fat all the time is relentless.

They come from a loving home and me and my husband parent seemingly the same as our other parent friends. Giving boundaries, organising things like baking and days out and socialise.

Where have we gone wrong? How do we fix this? We have done time outs and explained this language and behaviour isn't acceptable.

It makes me very sad and resentful.

What consequences do you impose on them.

If my son did this to anyone, there wouldn’t be any tv or treats until I saw an improvement in his behaviour.

What are the actual consequences for them behaving this way?

Well I can only assume your definition of setting boundaries isn’t the same as everyone else. Are you a soft gentle parent? Do you ask your children to do things rather than tell them?

I would not tolerate this. Under no circumstances are they to call you names and get away with it. What next? Calling a kid at school fat? A teacher ugly? I would tear them a new one and they would never do it again! Whatever punishment you choose has to be meaningful.. if time outs aren't working you need to think of something else!

At that age, you should be in control. The only reason they are doing this is because you are letting them. They are old enough to understand sanctions. I bet they don't do this to their teachers at school, do they?

So YABU as you're allowing this situation. You and their dad need to be setting boundaries or their behavior will get a lot worse.

Are they copying it from one another?
At this age you need to be much firmer
if the current consequences aren’t working then try others
Removing priveliges such as screen time, toys and treats as soon as it happens
no baking for example - follow through on it all the time

Fat (or any unkind comments on appearance) is worse than a swear word in my house. Would be a stern talking to and no tv or something for a period of time.

I might get flamed for this, but I'd stop explaining and start being stern now. I absolutely would not keep explaining why it's not nice and wrong, they know.

They are picking this language up from somewhere OP. Who is teaching them to call you fat? Somebody is teaching them that telling you to to" shut up" is normal behaviour.

How do you react when they hit you?
Because by the time they are at the age they are they should be very aware hitting is wrong and not acceptable.

what you describe sounds like one of the depressing scenes from supernanny

This doesn’t sound like remotely typical naughty behaviour for these ages. This is appalling.

Your husband needs to be very involved alongside you in stopping this

Time outs and taking toys away. What do I do next. How do you tear a 4 year old a new one?

You need to explain to them that the next time they use words like that there will be ‘X’ consequence. Then follow through with it

Mine would have got a smacked backside if they were constantly doing that.

Mine too. I grew up being called fat and I'm recovering from anorexia. Commenting on anyone's face or body negatively is a huge sin in my household. My children have had worse consequences for commenting negatively on appearances than they have about swearing ect

It’s very sad and disturbing to read that children so young, are being abusive to their mum.

What boundaries are put in place?
How do you react when they are so rude to you? Do they treat their dad in a similar way? ( the shut your mouth comments).

You tell them very clearly and very firmly that talking to people like that is unacceptable, that you won’t tolerate it and that if he does it again, you will do (insert personalised consequence here).

We did this with our son at age 5 and it involved taking all of his Lego away for 2 weeks.

I’m not clear on that word ‘shaming’ but they certainly are being bloody rude. You and their father need to come down hard on this. We don’t talk about how people look. It’s rude.

Do they think it is funny?
Where did they learn it?
Do they like the atrention you give them for it?
Each time say calmly we dont talk like that /we do not hit. Walk away and ignore them .

Does it get him what he wants, a reaction or connection albeit not a good one, space or doesn’t have to do something.
you need to be firm with him, he needs to be told firmly to stop and given an immediate consequence which you stick too. He is at an age where he’s trying assert himself and you need to show him where the boundary line is. Be very consistent with it.

My mum would have done it the first time and I wouldn't have done that again.

Id scream at them, take their favourite toys away until they stop it and theyd be put in bed, the door shut without any nice tuck in or bed time routine for a long time until they stopped it. No weekend fun or treats etc. Until they stopped it.

They’ve learned it from someone, they jolly well need to learn to stop insulting anyone for any reason, and learn it fast.

yep

sorry, not sorry

If it was me and my children and this had been going on for this long, I'd be sending them to their room for the night and not a time out, I wouldn't be accepting an apology and then letting them carry on as normal. If their badly behaved at school they will miss a play time away from everyone else..... it's along the same lines

I think it would take one stern shock to the system and they'd stop

Yes this. How does your husband respond when they do this? Is it when he isn't there? Who are they getting this language from?

I would be getting much angrier than this. It's repeated bad behaviour and needs clamping right down on. I would be sitting them down with their dad and saying it's not on and there will be serious consequences. Toys will be removed permanently never mind time outs.

I think sometimes you have to treat things seriously and take a firm, zero tolerance stance. So no hitting and no name calling. No exceptions. And when it happens its a serious matter. Not ignored, not mildly corrected while distracted, not met with pleas to stop because 'its unkind and hurts mummy'. A clear message its not allowed. Ideally start this the first time it happens, but never too late.
So, stop what you're doing, shocked expression, down to their level and 'You must NOT call anyone fat, or any other name.' (Explanation as to why, useful, but not so it distracts from the key message that this is not permitted) Then repeat if it happens again with the addition of ' if you do this again...(consequence)'
Keep at it in the same way as you would if it was undoing their car seat or running into the road or refusing to brush their teeth. A non negotiable they must comply with.