My ds keep shaming me

[Sunshining20]

My 4 and 5 year old DS have taken to calling me the worst fattest mum in the world every time I don't give in to TV or snack demands. They also tell me to shut my mouth and hit me. But the calling me fat all the time is relentless.

They come from a loving home and me and my husband parent seemingly the same as our other parent friends. Giving boundaries, organising things like baking and days out and socialise.

Where have we gone wrong? How do we fix this? We have done time outs and explained this language and behaviour isn't acceptable.

It makes me very sad and resentful.

So I have just had a very stern word with them removed their yoto their favourite books and no TV for today. If they say it again they get extra time no TV and they have been pleasant and compliant so far ever since. Hopefully we have had a breakthrough.

For reference me and my DH never talk about appearances and are very against that I am shocked and upset when I hear anyone (grown up) ever do this and I no am not fat not in an obvious way it (size 10) but a bit of mum tum. They call other things fat like their toys, even the remote so not sure it's an intentional personal thing more something to cause reaction or be a bit naughty if that makes sense. Still unpleasant and unacceptable though.

They are not like it all the time just when it comes to being refused sweets etc and screen time.

Some varied responses here. And no I am not in an abusive relationship far from it. My DH is very supportive.

DS 4 yr old does have one questionable friend at nursery so maybe I will speak to them to see what is going on. They do watch YouTube but mostly just mario and Pokémon but I will look into stopping this too.

Some of these responses have been hard to read but also helpful

It utterly disgusts me that there are people on mumsnet in 2026 who would actually smack their kids. Disgusting behaviour which is also illegal in Scotland.

There are other ways of teaching your children. Abuse is not it.

I don't advocate smacking, but I didn't start to say to my granddaughter, if she hit me, I'd hit back. She then used to stop and think. So I put it to her that if she then decided to hit, it was a choice and I then get to make the choice to hit back. It never came to that. She got smacking from being in school/soft play etc.

agree. Whatever the answer is it’s not physical violence

Where did they hear the word? their father? grandparents? television? are they copying what they have seen another adult say?

They are very young, but you can still explain to them that it's not nice to say anything about a person's appearance whether its weight, big nose, hair colour, glasses etc.

Hitting you and telling you to shut your mouth is another matter. Again, have they heard somebody say this to you? They are very young to come up with those words and to behave like that.

Do not allow your children to watch YouTube unless they are supervised at all times. You might think you know what they are watching, but you don’t know what other videos and ads are popping up.

Has DH got your back? When DS started to push his luck, same sort of age DH was scorched earth with him and backed me up, he also said to me that I had to be firm, and that DS was going to end up a lot bigger than me ( he is!) and we had to make sure he was respectful as a child as what would we do if he was older and uncontrollable. So DH always backed me up, and was always firm in his parenting, but I had to be too.
we did ask, tell, do, always follow through with consequences, and honestly kids are a lot happier with clear boundaries!

Yeah, exactly this. ^

Last April I had had enough with my kids behaviour. One has ASD and the other is just a diva. My son with ASD is well aware of what's acceptable and isn't but he was making bad choices, same as my daughter (they were 6 and 7 as t the time). They got home from school to an empty bedroom, I just left their beds and wardrobes and desk / books. Lots of tears and screaming but they've been far better behaved since. Now they know if I threaten something and they carry on, I will do it. I also sold their tablets.

I just want to be clear that with this I certainly didn't mean smacking or hitting them at all. Just much more stern action, talking to, removing devices etc

No screens of any kind or playdates until behaviour was acceptable for a significant period of time. I'm talking weeks, not minutes. Zero tolerance for anything like that coming out of their mouths. Every time it happens: 'We don't treat people like that. It's rude and disrespectful." Calmly and firmly, and all privileges immediately revoked again for another long period of time.

I'd also be talking to their teachers; I image they're doing it at school, too.

Agreed. Kids need to learn that being that rude & disrespectful is going to provoke a reaction that they’re not going to like. That is the real world. I don’t mean smacking or any kind of physical violence, I mean a measured, firm, but rightly angry reaction and severe consequences

I had a friend do this; worked wonders.

Is this for real!?

Good parenting isn't about scaring children, and that's not what consequences aim to do.

No screen time and no snacks. All day.
if it happens again no screen time and no treat snacks (something healthy ok) 1 week
if it happens again (!) no screen time and no treat snacks 1month

if you ever get to the 1month then it will be painful following through but trust me it is worth it. For the rest of their life they know that when you say there is a red line they know what it is. You will have taught them that you mean what you say.

I am a gentle parent but I would go full on scorched earth for things like this, they would both be in deep trouble each and every time that behaviour presented itself.

My nearly four year old has never come out with anything like that yet, but we take unkind behaviour very seriously every single time. She has the understanding that if she does certain things, like stamping her feet and shouting or being rude to a friend, she will be removed from whatever fun thing we are doing immediately, told off and then receive a consequence before apologising.

These consequences need to be whatever makes the biggest impact on them. Sometimes, if it’s serious, that would involve sitting out of the rest of a party, going home early, removing favourite toys or the tonie box, having to stay at home instead of doing activities etc. I have turned the car around, after a very enthusiastic tantrum and explained we can no longer go to (insert exciting activity here) due to her behaviour and stuck to it. I don’t think just taking a treat or toy away for a while will cut it.

The consequences last the rest of the day, the behaviour is discussed again before bedtime and any future repeats are taken more seriously and consequences last longer.

Since she was an early talker, I have been doing this since she was two and it does feel hard to tell them off when they’re little, but it does work.

Edit: didn’t mean to quote PP but completely agree the telling off would also be impactful for this.

There are a lot of extremely odd people on here.

To be honest, the responses here seem mad to me for what is fairly standard small child naughtiness, I am reading it going ‘hug’. The suggestions the OP must be in an abusive relationship because otherwise how would a school age child know fat is an insult - really

They call other things fat like their toys, even the remote

But OP this is almost worse: they are not even using it as a purely descriptive term, but as a slur.

You're being too wishy washy and soft - they have zero respect for you. Mine would have had a really good shouty telling off and sent to their room for a while - after which I'd have expected an apology. They have grown up to be respectful (and lovely) to me and other women.

Funnily enough, my unhinged parenting has produced several very polite, happy and successful children. Who come home and tell me in shocked voices about the absolutely dreadful behaviour of a couple of their 'gently-parented' classmates, who are on course to be crackhead murderers from nice familes. 🤷‍♀️

Would have been put in his bedroom and not allowed to be with us. DS is very sociable and hates missing out so that was his weak spot. It happened twice when he misbehaved as a young child. Know thine enemy was what my Mother quoted from Sun Tzu about raising children. Having children is like warfare sometimes, a battle of wills.

Well we can't gauge your full parenting from a single post, that's true. But honestly, those highlighted bits do sound wild.

I do agree with you that the gentle approach doesn't work either, but screaming and throwing away toys does sound a bit like a loss of control.

I used to give a ‘time out’ and sit on the bottom step of the stairs. Only for 5 mins and explain why they needed time to sit and think about what and why it had happened. If they did it again the same thing, but the length of time increased each time.

being unkind or rude just wasn’t tolerated.

That was an effective message to curtail brattish behaviour.
Sadly its no longer viable and doesnt it show 😡