My ds keep shaming me

[Sunshining20]

My 4 and 5 year old DS have taken to calling me the worst fattest mum in the world every time I don't give in to TV or snack demands. They also tell me to shut my mouth and hit me. But the calling me fat all the time is relentless.

They come from a loving home and me and my husband parent seemingly the same as our other parent friends. Giving boundaries, organising things like baking and days out and socialise.

Where have we gone wrong? How do we fix this? We have done time outs and explained this language and behaviour isn't acceptable.

It makes me very sad and resentful.

4 and 5 is not 'school age children,' they are barely past toddlers - they are infants - and there is no way they are using these words because other other 4-5 year olds in the class have used them. This age child would not speak like this..

They have heard it either from older children - or an adult. Why is it so out of the realms of belief that it could be their father they have heard it from? No-one is saying the OP is in an abusive relationship, but the OP's husband may have used these slurs against someone else, and the 2 children have picked it up.

Absolutely no YouTube! Adverts, pop ups, and just a few clicks they can end up watching MASSIVELY inappropriate stuff!!

A friend of mine used to let her DS just watch what he liked on YouTube, and she used those exact same words "he is just watching XYZ". er... no he wasn't! I showed her how easy it was to get onto something awful. Violence. Nudity etc...

I'd also go back to basics with the snacks and only have fruit/breadsticks. If they've been really good all week and no potty mouth words and mean behaviour then perhaps they can walk to the shop with you and choose a small snack.

I do agree with this. This awful behaviour from the OP's children needs reining in, (wherever they're getting it from) but smacking is not the answer. As you say, it's disgusting behaviour. Physically assaulting a small child less than half your size who is too young to know right from wrong is despicable behaviour, and should be treated the same as if an adult hit another adult. There should be a charge of assault against that person.

If you have to resort to physically assaulting your own CHILD, you have failed as a parent.

For this behaviour I don’t think it’s extreme or unhinged at all. I’m a gentle parent, in the traditional sense not the current perception, and often get called strict or harsh for giving my child consequences by permissive parents who think it’s ’just normal kid stuff’.

To me using offensive language and violence is NOT normal kid stuff.

Crikey, whatever happened to a good old ‘bit of a telling off’?

The problem is that they will speak to you like this and get away with it, but they will struggle to keep friends at school if they don’t know how to speak to people. They will run into trouble with teachers and dinner ladies etc and get a name for themselves as horrible children. It’s not limiting or restricting to have children able to behave in a way that allows them to fit into society. Once you’ve got a name as a nasty piece of work at school, it’s hard to shake off, especially if the other children tell their parents, thats a hard amount of judging to shake off for a little kid.
You are better being the bad guy now and bringing out the big guns and having a bit of a rant and putting their favourite toys in a bin bag in the shed.

That's 5 mothers that would smack just in the first 2 pages
good grief

Who have they learnt this behaviour from? Mine would never call someone fat or any other name. They dont hear me or any other adult family member calling others nasty names. And have been taught not to.
You need to go super strict and also maybe gets some books that are for kids and deal with bullying. Because if they are doing that to you then they will almost certainly be bully's in school.

thats not looked on as acceptable today

This kind of behaviour is beyond rude and extremely manipulative. These boys need to learn beyond a shadow of a doubt their behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. Otherwise, they’ll go through life causing a lot of hurt to a lot of people. My ds 11 was recently rude to me when I asked him to help by tidying away his lego. He didn’t call me names but sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. When I called him out he said, “Well I’ve just sat down.” What I wanted to say was:
“That was extremely rude. These are your toys and your responsibility to put away. There will be no TV until you’ve put them away.”
Tired, shocked me bellowed,
”Are you actually kidding? Would you like it if I made a mess and then expected you to clean it up? Shall I go into your room and empty my makeup all over your bed and see how you’d feel if I expected you to clean it away? I am not a slave. Now tidy away YOUR toys. No TV until it’s done.”
I also said I expected an apology. He did tidy away his toys and apologise. We talked again at this point how we all have a responsibility to help out, fairness etc. I apologised for shouting. Not perfect, but who is? It is our responsibility as parents though to try our best to teach accountability, equality, empathy, compassion…. So stand firm OP and do not accept that terrible behaviour from your boys! It’s hard but you’ve got this!! X

My child would call me fat and to shut my mouth only once. Instant removal of snacks and TV. Absolute zero tolerance for this.

OP you said They do watch YouTube - do you let them have access to the internet as this is a major cause of poor behaviour. Is this restricted with parental controls and time (30 mins a day)? No 5 year old needs direct access to the internet.

Remove all sweet treats from the house. Full stop. Nothing at all. No treats outside either.
As for the hitting, move fast, catch and hold their hands until they calm down. Explain that hitting doesn’t solve anything and that other people’s feelings matter.
Where are they learning this behaviour? Do they go to school/ nursery? Watch TV? I’ve always hated “The (name) Fat Controller” in Thomas the Tank Engine and that Daddy Pig is mocked for being “fat”. Just because the regulators agree that a programme aimed at children, is “suitable”, doesn’t mean that it “is”. Limit screen time, to when you can sit and watch with them. Speak to the staff, in any setting they attend, and check that a) they don’t behave this way there, and b) whether they are copying it from another child.
They are very young, and it’s not late to change this behaviour, but you need to be consistent.

No technology, no treats, no tv.
Early to bed.
I would have come down on this the first time I heard it like a tonne of bricks.

This behaviour is the result of children not being corrected the very first time this happened.

They need an extended period of zero tolerance and firm consequences.

I have come across children like yours, that had nice, but ineffectual parents.

I kept my children so far away from them.
I didn't want my children around that type of behaviour, and the parents who would accept being spoken to rudely.

Unchecked it gets worse and they are actively avoided by nice families.
By the teenage years they are totally out of control.

Take their behaviour so seriously because what it morphs into unchecked, is a disaster.

Apologies if that sounds harsh.
But believe me when they start speaking to you like that in front of other parents, word will get around.
Your children will pay a heavy price for not being taken in hand.

Make their lives a lot less fun and comfortable.

Not treats, no technology whatsoever, no outings, early to bed.
Zero tolerance.

Children are very smart.
They will very quickly catch on that their bad behaviour will have consequences.
Good luck.

For God’s sake. 🙄

Something has gone horribly wrong here, OP. Where are the picking this up from? And at 4 and 5 they should not be making any ‘demands’.

An almighty bollocking from you and one from their father about how dare they be so nasty and rude to Mummy, you DO NOT say those things to her, you DO NOT say those things to anybody else and you NEVER EVER hit just because you don't get your way. NO SNACKS, NO TREATS, until you learn to treat Mummy and everybody else with respect.

And when they demand a treat or a snack 'No'. If followed by more shouting and hitting, they get to see all of the treats get swept into a binbag with 'No. No treats or snacks until you learn to treat people nicely'. And then you let them cry and scream about it. 'No. No snacks or treats.'

They need food, not crisps, sweets or cakes. So they still get their meals, of course. They just don't get the things they're kicking off over.

I consider myself strict but fair as a parent and haven't had to deal with bad behaviour very often. However if I have come across things that I would say are very bad and really need a lid putting on pronto, such as described by @Sunshining20 , I have gone absolutely nuclear. I have never and would never hit my children but if I've had to make a very strong point I have made sure I've taken advantage of my physical size compared to theirs by looming over them, I've spoken loud enough to be called shouting and I've used very strong language, including being as nasty as they were if that's what the problem was - as in if my daughter said something horrible I told her that what she's said is horrible, disgusting etc. and that if she went around behaving like that she would have no friends because no-one would want to be around her, and that she would be lonely and miserable. Really mean stuff. I made myself intimidating to make it clear that she doesn't have a choice in this, she is obliged to comply. I'm always very clear to focus my anger on the behaviour rather than the child, as in I haven't told her she is nasty, I've told her that what she said or did is nasty. I admit I've used fear to control the behaviour - not in terms of her being scared for her physical safety but that her wlife would change in ways she wouldn't like in order to make clear the magnitude of the problem. A bit dramatic and yes, she has ended up crying and incerdibly upser, but not for her physical safety.

It's not nice. It's awful - but it has worked and it's only ever had to be a very, very rare occurrence. I've also been very clear that if threats are made then I follow through on them - my husband was in the habit of threatening to remove privileges for lapses in behaviour but then not following through, whereas I made sure that whatever I threaten (even if I maybe went too far in the moment and later regretted it) gets carried out.

I'm not saying my kids are perfect but in general I'm pretty amazed by how well behaved they are. I sometimes wonder if they're even mine because I know I was never that good. However none of it will work if it's a constant process of shouting and nagging. This is for the worst of the worst (which I would argue the OP is) and has to be a M.A.D. situation, the end of days.

My 4 and 5 year old DS have taken to calling me the worst fattest mum in the world every time I don't give in to TV or snack demands.

What do they have to do before they next get TV or snacks? Because if they dont have to apologise and commit to a change in behaviour- theres your issue. If its just - time has passed so tomorrow, here's a snack... All youre teaching them is that words mean nothing, they dont have ramifications, we will get TV tomorrow, we will get snacks later before bed.

Think about bad behaviour of an adult, would you just go back to everything's fine just because the time passed? No, you'd be waiting for an apology, you'd own your side, they'd promise a change of behaviour and then you'd build a bridge; watch and wait and then resume normal when you saw an improvement.

Why any different with kids? No snacks, no TV, food is basic, nothing sweet - because their behavior doesnt warrant the nineties until the show that they have understood the behaviour wont be tolerated, and that it isnt to be exhibited.

It's not fairly standard small children naughtiness though, I actually think it's rather shocking behaviour and Op's tactic so far of time out and explanation doesn't seem to be working

The majority of children would prefer a quick slap than technology taken from them.
Absolutely no need to be slapping children.

No treats, no technology whatsoever, early to bed, and children aren't long learning what's what.

Children that age shouldn't be on you tube anyway.

I know right. It feels like we've been transported back in time 150 years.

So I have just had a very stern word with them removed their yoto their favourite books and no TV for today. If they say it again they get extra time no TV

Well I am confused by this so your children must be, you have said no TV for today, but if they say it again, they get no TV?? But you have already taken it away??

Sorry OP you need to step up here and be a parent!

I agree. Of course it's not fairly standard small child naughtiness

I said no TV today. If they do not behave badly I will consider it tmrw but if any misbehaviour then the ban will continue

You need to be sterner. Really tell them off. They know good and well its not acceptable, you've explained it hurts your feelings so now it's consequences time.

Time out is for tantrums. Willfully nasty behaviour needs punishment. Take away whatever they will miss the most, whether that's a toy, console, book, playdate etc. Tell them directly that it is a result of their behaviour and warn them that one more incident of nastiness towards you or anyone else will result in that item being binned. Follow through. Never threaten anything you won't carry out.

NO 4 year old should be watching YouTube!!! My teenager has only just been allowed to start watching limited things on it as it’s not suitable for children! Ban it completely and make sure you have parental controls locked down on any tablets etc and also only you/husband know the password for it and all your screens