To be surprised at someone being pregnant at 44

[Onempretime7788]

I would have thought post 35 was rare

Point is I found a decent spouse at 23 got my arse in gear by committing and going on a journey to build a life together - we built our lives together while our counter parts were playing the field and travelling, dating and chipping and changing ( god knows what that most be like now in the ‘swipe left /right- always something better out there’culture etc.
We lived skint in the bedsit, had the first baby, did uni and post grad while the other worked, built the careers in turn, climbed the ladder while having more kids, bought the grotty one bed flat with two kids then built up from there

All I’m saying is if you want a family don’t delay ‘while doing you’
‘Do you ‘ while having a family young -it’s brilliant x

That sounds brilliant, @Lardychops! I would say you probably had the life I wanted, but unfortunately I didn’t meet anyone for a long time who could put up with me! (then he left anyway, buts that’s a whole other story, and at least I have my amazing DD) I never wanted to be an older mum, and always wanted a large family, despite living in deepest darkest London 😂

But that was with IVF?

Nonsense. 19th century peasants🙄

But there's the element of good fortune that the guy you dated in your early 20s turned out to be a good spouse, and you had decent fertility. I'm glad you have a lovely life but sometimes things just don't fall into place.
If I'd got pregnant and married to the guy I was engaged to at 21, I don't think we'd still be together and if we were, not overly happily and I'd probably have had to bury his mother under the patio

Do you not think others have had a lovely life while not walking the exact same path as you?

Because your post sounds so convinced that your life was the best path to choose....

Great for you.

But.we are all millions of individuals with different personalities, genetic makeup, preferences, situations...

Its crazy to say yours is the best route for all

That’s nice for you, but that path isn’t for everyone for all sorts of reason.

Some just don’t want to be married or have kids young, that just doesn’t sound like fun to them and that’s fine. They would resent settling down that young and as a result wouldn’t make great partners/parents at that time.

And others might want to but aren’t sure if they’ve met the right person, or if they’re financially/emotionally in a good place to start a family.

Due to my childhood I was aware my picker was off, so I was always quite cautious and knew I had a lot of work to do before I trusted myself to choose a decent man.

I mentioned upthread my friend who married/had kids young and is also flying in her career and has a great social life. However equally I know friends who settled down young and bitterly regret it - usually due to the kind of man they eventually realised they were with. One was divorced with 2 kids by age 26 after extreme DV, another divorced in mid 30s after a decade of her having to do and be everything while he did increasingly little and she ended up severely unwell due to stress. They both wish they had waited until they were older to settle down with someone.

A lot of it is luck too as far as finding a (good) spouse goes. I have a childhood friend who at age 21 went home with her first “one night stand” who ended up being her forever guy. She got pregnant 6 months later and is still married almost two decades later. Moving at that pace so young often ends up badly but luckily he was a good egg.

Someone else might choose their partner more carefully and vet them for years only to end up with a closeted narcissist cheat or the man who walks out when his wife is pregnant. We see it all the time on here.

I read it that her mother was 48, not her. But I have a friend who had an unplanned pregnancy at 50. She had the baby too, both healthy.

She already had 4 children, this was not IVF, she didn't want a 5th at 50.

Are you male and stupid?

My post was framed in the context that I knew when I was young I wanted a family, so I went for it while I was young and went for it. My nice chap choice lasted 18 years before we divorced and that’s life
But we still have our kids

The myth now being sold to women that having kids can be delayed and that age regarding fertility is simply an inconvenience until every box is ticked is one of the most bonkers phenomenon in living history in my view

Women still know about the menopause. We really do.

You can “go for it” all you want and still not meet the right person until later age and this is what’s happening to a lot of young women.

Not everyone is ok to settle with a man who is just “good enough” to have kids with that will later leave them as a single parent .

Women want someone they can see being a great father and partner, that they can also be with for the rest of their lives. And the truth is there’s a lack of committed, decent responsible and emotionally available men who truly believe in reciprocity and equity within relationships.

I support the idea of fertility checks but generally speaking I think if a woman doesn’t want kids in her 20s she shouldn’t do it “just in case” her fertility dips off early. Spending your 20s as a parent is definitely not right for everyone whether you’ve met the right person or not.

I know some people who waited until their 30s to have kids even if they married in their 20s which is reasonable.

But I don’t know anyone who was ready to have their first kid in their 20s or 30s, but delayed it deliberately to 40s. Women know and are definitely keenly aware of menopause and declining fertility, but life happens.

Surely there’s somewhere in the middle though. 23 seems too young, 44 seems too old. Early 30’s certainly seems a good choice from a fertility point of view if one is lucky enough to be in the position to have children then.

I agree with this. However, I also think that people should consider the children in all of this.

If you have a baby too young are you in a position to provide them with a good life and will you end up resenting them if you haven’t had the time to have fun/study/build a career first.

If you have a baby too old is it really fair on them when they’re teenagers/young adults with elderly parents and will you really be able to give every phase your all …or will you struggle due to age/life stage.

Our decision to bring children into this world should actually be about them, not us.

My mum had me at 44. She was and is the best mum

You said you went for it young, lived in bedsits and raised kids together young. You implied all should go for this life. Youre now divorced. You now imply waiting till older is bonkers. I think youre wrong. There are a range of choices open to women now, including when they try to conceive. One of the factors to consider when making a choice for each of us is that fertility decreases for some in their late thirties. For various reasons, many still make that decision to have babies then. And go on to have happy families. Using words like a bonkers lie is just silly. It is a valid choice, just as having kids younger is. Both come with benefits and disadvantages. You were happy with your choice, lots of us are very happy with the (different) choices we made. Surely thats easy to understand?

I don't know anyone who thinks they have to have their whole list ticked off before ttc and that they'll then just get pregnant without any trouble. I know plenty who wouldn't want to be raising a kid skint and living in a bedsit.

I think you've misread. I was 22 when I had my baby, my mum was 48 at the time.
I was making the point that a 44 year old pregnant woman wouldn't shock me as I understand it's possible, but I do consider 44 old to start trying.

I support you have your DC young but don’t think having to live in a grotty bedsit in the early years is part and parcel of your parenthood. I had children before 23 and studied my degrees, I lived in a nice flat and then a house. I didn’t choose to become a mum the first time, but managed to turn out alright.

I honestly wouldn’t advise having children when living in insecure housing, sounds massively stressful! Respect you to though for persevering.

Omg you are both arguing like petulant children.
You are both as pathetic as each other, trying to get the last word in.
Give it a rest.

But if the stats broadly show 50% of women between 40-43 will get pregnant within a year, I’d think the fact only 6000 women of 43 and older are having babies each year might be because a lot of people are not actively trying then. As per the comments, a lot of people are done by then. Amongst my friends and colleagues, babies in their 40s is not unusual. Some first time mums, but mostly to be honest it’s those having 2nd or 3rd children. Amongst my friends, it hasn’t taken them long at all to get pregnant. I do also know a couple who had secondary infertility also. So it is so variable.

You must be joking?! 😆

My cousin and his wife were shocked when she fell pregnant accidentally at 48.

I think it is reasonable to think that was not possible.

To think it’s almost impossible to get pregnant post 35 however…

Also I don’t think it’s people being snobby saying in London it’s normal. The cost of living is insane there. I was paying £1300 plus bills for a (small) room in a shared flat ten years ago. I’m a high earner but couldn’t buy a flat until I was in my thirties. You don’t get childcare help so the £2.5k a month nursery is a killer - it all needs to be saved up for. Hence why people are waiting. Because I think most people want secure safe housing and enough money to properly look after a child. It was definitely a consideration in me waiting until I was 35 to start trying, and I’d been with my partner for years by then

That myth is not sold to women. Women are actually continually warned about fertility. But life does not care about biology. Women I know who had kids “late” either did not want children and changed their minds late in life, or simply were not in a position to have them till late (largely due to lack of a suitable partner.)