I was snobby, apparently

[Rayners]

last year sister was showing me her holiday photos. She went to Spain and the photos were basically the kids in a holiday club, the kids eating burgers, the kids eating pizzas, the kids in a swimming pool, her DH with a pint, her and her DH doing karaoke in a bar etc etc … all of the photos were taken in the hotel complex with a couple of shots at the beach. I said they were nice photos and left it at that.
Later in the year we (me, DH and Dd) went to Italy. I uploaded a few photos on Facebook but not many. When we got back sister asked to see my photos - I said they’re on Facebook so she said “there’s hardly any on there and they’re the boring ones, I want to see them all” so I gave her my phone to scroll through them.

After a bit of scrolling she started saying stuff like “god these are boring! Were you not bored? Dd must have been bored?”

The photos in question were picturesque cobbled streets, mountains, churches, castles and abandoned towns. I said “DD loved it” so she chose one photo to show me which “proved” that DD was bored … a picture of DD sat staring ahead … at mt. Vesuvius. The reason she looked emotionless was because she was fascinated by it and often sits and stares at things … especially considering what she’d learnt that morning in Pompei!

Sister kept going on about what a boring holiday it must have been and how we should think about DD next time etc so I snapped and said “she enjoyed the holiday! I’m not been funny but your holiday photos might as well have been taken at Butlins”.

Now - this comment has come back on me ten fold - she told the entire (large) family what it id said and now I’m thought of as snobby and jealous as well as “trying to be something I’m not”. In a conversation this morning with my mum she brought it up again and asked why id said that - I told her (again!) what she’d said about my holiday photos to which she replied “well I’m not been funny but it did look a bit boring for a child”.

So was I out of order for what I said??? And AIBU to think our holiday wasn’t “totally unsuitable” for a child?

Agree with this!

No. Just say your DD loved it, you all did and you all prefer sightseeing to beach hols. No need to stoop to her level by criticising her holiday. You do you, she does her.

Your description of her holiday makes it clear you looked down on her holiday. She did the same about yours. You and sister should stop being so competitive and just be happy for each other living your life in your own ways.

You’re not snobby. She was being a twat and she deserved a snappy comment back.

I get why you said it but think you might have handled it better in terms of shutting her down without giving her ammo!

How old is your DD?

You were a bit rude but only in retaliation to her own rudeness and persistent goading.

I don't think you were snobby. I would find a holiday in one resort and no new experiences boring but I totally respect a lot of people love it. I also totally understand why the sort of holiday I like (similar to yours) would be boring to people who aren't interested in that stuff. I don't think that makes me a snob. I even admit to going to Butlins for a weekend when my kids were little and I went with an open mind and actually enjoyed it. I probably won't go again but it worked well for the family dynamic at the time.

Is your sister someone who gets defensive about people having different opinions and preferences to her? If so she's either narrow minded and arrogant or terribly insecure.

Agree - it’s reverse snobbery from the family. And they sound massively insecure

Makes me laugh all these posters suggesting people should behave like the Dalai Lama at all times.

your sister was out of order. She got a taste of her own medicine and didn’t like it.

and you’re right- her holiday sounds shit. If that snobby 🤷‍♀️

This is one of the few sensible comments on this thread.

OP, you only posted a small selection of photographs. Your sister pushed. You refused in the beginning to engage with her immature wheedling on the topic of boredom. She pushed. You weren't, as a matter of fact, engaging on this topic at all. She pushed. And in the end, she pushed until she got the response she obviously wanted.

The best response to this is as @MJagain suggests - complete emotional withdrawal, and for the future, an intimate familiarity with non-defensive communication (otherwise known as 'grey rock'). She wants 'boring?' Give her precisely that. A strict information diet and the reiterated responses along the lines of, 'I'm happy with that'. 'I don't accept your opinion of me'. 'I'm comfortable with my choices', leaves them fighting a fog bank, with nowhere left to go.

You say this exchange with your sister about your holiday photos was last summer. Have you been brooding on this all that time, or have the accusations of snobbery only found their way around your wider family relatively recently? Either way, one or both of you is holding onto this fairly trivial conversation to a degree that isn't healthy. A tactical emotional withdrawal is possible here without taking a scorched earth approach. Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). If they call you a snob simply tell them you don't accept that, and that the conversation was half a year ago now and best for all concerned that you move on.

As for the post upthread, a child looking at Vesuvius having 'learned something' - well why on earth not? Travel brings history to life in a way classrooms can't, and is a much more fun way to take in new cultures and places. It IS possible to have a scout around Pompeii, take in the views around the Bay of Naples and have a beer and pizza in the sunshine on the same holiday, you know.

I don't think you sound snobby at all you sound like you had just about reached your limit of how much you could take of your sisters criticism of your holiday. To be perfectly honest your sisters holiday sounds like my idea of hell but it suits her so fair enough, we all work hard for our holidays and should be able to respect eachothers choices

Whilst I think your sister goaded you into making a comment, you unfortunately look worse than she did because your comment could be perceived as being a bit bitchy (personally I think it was just exasperation on your side and not bitchy)

In future grit your teeth, smile and change the subject or you'll look worse than her, even though she was a goady cow

I think her holiday sounds awful and taking pictures to prove you had a great holiday is pathetic. I’m with you OP - she asked for the comment.

Completely understand why you snapped.

Your post does ooze ‘our holiday is so much better’ though.

And her sister who clearly thought that HER holiday was better than OPs and started the entire conversation about it??

I'd say the sister has bigger issues though as what sane person voluntarily wants to look at other people's holiday snaps??????

She goaded you and now you’re the problem because you snapped back? If there is a family history of this being how things play out, I’d put them all on an information diet.

For the record, your holiday sounds fabulous, hers sounds dull.

Stick to your guns. Your holiday sounds wonderful. Your child will remember Vesuvius, whereas the hotel pool will be just that.
🌋❤️

Her post implies her holiday is better for her - no where does she imply that everyone should”strive” for tha type of holiday and she shouldn’t have to apologise for what she likes or downplay the academic interests of her child either

All of this!

You went to Pompei etc I bet it didn’t cost less.

May be a little inverted snobbery on her part. I'd have much preferred your holiday. Sitting round a pool, doing karaoke and eating burgers on holiday sounds like my idea of hell.

She was being a goady arsehole. Plus this is just inverted snobbery. It’s a tale as old as time, criticising people who like other kinds of things. Thinking your stuff is better is always snobbery doesn’t matter where it comes from.

I think I would have reacted the exact same as you and you're not being unreasonable. They all sound like arses!

She sounds really irritating and annoying. I think what you said was fair enough. Your holiday sounds amazing. I wonder if she is actually a bit jealous.

You were snobby but she pushed and pushed until you were. She wanted a rise out of you because she sees you as getting above yourself. Her holiday is my idea of hell, and your holiday sounds ideal.

just let it go, you sound like you enjoy different things to your family and that is fine. Don’t rise to the bait next time and tell your mum not to get involved.

Holiday tastes aside, which seems a complete non-issue to me. I do think pictures without people in them are not as interesting as ones with people in them. People are just naturally interested in other people.