I was snobby, apparently

[Rayners]

last year sister was showing me her holiday photos. She went to Spain and the photos were basically the kids in a holiday club, the kids eating burgers, the kids eating pizzas, the kids in a swimming pool, her DH with a pint, her and her DH doing karaoke in a bar etc etc … all of the photos were taken in the hotel complex with a couple of shots at the beach. I said they were nice photos and left it at that.
Later in the year we (me, DH and Dd) went to Italy. I uploaded a few photos on Facebook but not many. When we got back sister asked to see my photos - I said they’re on Facebook so she said “there’s hardly any on there and they’re the boring ones, I want to see them all” so I gave her my phone to scroll through them.

After a bit of scrolling she started saying stuff like “god these are boring! Were you not bored? Dd must have been bored?”

The photos in question were picturesque cobbled streets, mountains, churches, castles and abandoned towns. I said “DD loved it” so she chose one photo to show me which “proved” that DD was bored … a picture of DD sat staring ahead … at mt. Vesuvius. The reason she looked emotionless was because she was fascinated by it and often sits and stares at things … especially considering what she’d learnt that morning in Pompei!

Sister kept going on about what a boring holiday it must have been and how we should think about DD next time etc so I snapped and said “she enjoyed the holiday! I’m not been funny but your holiday photos might as well have been taken at Butlins”.

Now - this comment has come back on me ten fold - she told the entire (large) family what it id said and now I’m thought of as snobby and jealous as well as “trying to be something I’m not”. In a conversation this morning with my mum she brought it up again and asked why id said that - I told her (again!) what she’d said about my holiday photos to which she replied “well I’m not been funny but it did look a bit boring for a child”.

So was I out of order for what I said??? And AIBU to think our holiday wasn’t “totally unsuitable” for a child?

But the OP didn’t say anything negative about her sister’s holiday until pushed.

I’d rather be a snob than go on a flight just to stuff down pizzas and burgers

How old is your child? Was she really staring ahead at Mount Vesuvius after her morning of deep learning?
Maybe have a beer in the sunshine with a bit of bingo… might cheer you up. 😁

You're not trying to be something you're not. You are something she believes she can't be and your choices clearly bring out an insecurity of hers. Even though she enjoyed her holiday and would find yours boring it somehow made her feel less than. Having said that it does seem that you feel superior to her.

You both need to find a way to relax into your preferences and be comfortable with yourselves. Did you not expect to be someone who would go on a holiday like yours? And now that you are you feel the need to make sure other people know?

Why does she come across as snobby?

The Butlins comment is just another way of saying 'you could have done all that at home' ie 'yours was the boring holiday, not mine.'

But even if she was - is it any worse than inverse snobbery, which her family are guilt of? "trying to be something you're not" give me a break - that's exactly the same thing but reversed.

Your family sound like inverted snobs, especially the comment that you're trying to be something you're not. That attitude is part of what stops people trying to improve their lives and move out of the track they've always followed. They're scared because seeing you do things differently shows them that their lives maybe aren't as great as they think they are.

What's wrong with you wanting to do something different from the holidays they take? What's wrong with showing your child a different culture and taking her to see beautiful buildings, scenery and visiting a historical site of world importance i.e. broadening her mind? Nothing of course! You are not a snob. If they want to stick to their narrow world view, then let them. Your holiday sounds wonderful.

She asked for that with her banging on.

Maybe you just take a different style of photo. I wouldn't dream of taking a picture of someone scoffing a burger or drinking a pint.

I suppose it's slightly snobby (although you were heavily pushed) but most of us say things like that in private. Everyone makes fun of Butlins type holidays if they don't go themselves. Your family are just siding with your sister because they're a bit intimidated by you.

You were pushed and pushed - and she was judgemental. Now she's playing the victim card and calling you a snob, simply because you don't like the same sort of holiday. Your sister is tiresome.

And yeah, would've hated a holiday at Butlins in the sunshine myself, as a kid and an adult so that makes me a snob too.

Ignore what others have to say op.
You and your family had a good time end off.

I went to veitnam and had ice cream looked at a temple went to the local market.
Sounds bloody boring, my pics look boring but I had a whale of a time, and yes im full of smug about it because I can do it.

Went to Thailand last year.
Im of to India the end of the year.

Who gives a flying toss about pitchers.
Snobby smug up ya own arse you had a good time, I couldn't do anything decades ago so im doing it now and yes I will be all the above.
And enjoy every bit of it.

Flash the cash on a good holiday yep thats what I will do.
Sometimes it's best to agree to disagree.

I was noticing that.

Possibly partially because my parents would definitely have liked to be the ones who trapsed the children among the cultural places and tell everyone they loved it. Thankfully most of the time all we could afford was a local beach holiday in self catering.

I loved that - and hated the times we were meant to walk round and be impressed and be told how healthy and good for us it was. Never contradicted them, so they would say how much we loved it, but I didn't.

Different people like different holidays. My parents now enjoy the cultural times they couldn't afford when we were little, and take photos of the scenery.
We (when the children were little) enjoy a holiday by a (UK) beach or similar having ice creams and taking photos of the family doing things together.

I suspect when the dc have families, dd1 will do holidays just like ours, dd2 will go for packet holidays abroad and ds won't do holidays but spend breaks at home because he doesn't like going away.

None of those are right or wrong, just different likes.

I'm sure my parents thought we were depriving our dc though. 😂

It’s not really about you being snobby though. She was rude and pretty much goaded you into making a negative comment about her holiday then is acting the victim. Any normal polite person would have just said your pictures look lovely. It’s rude for her to repeatedly be negative your life choice.

Sorry but I think she deserved it. No one has to take criticism from Family members. If she doesn’t like you, she’s done you a favour because she has shown you her true colours.

@Rayners she pushed you op after you tried to be polite and you snapped.

I've been to Butlins with my 2 and it was enjoyable for their age at the time but I agree with your comment and think it was quite funny.

Next time she books a holiday I'd be tempted to say 'Butlins closed that week?

Agree with this comment.

OP I would not enjoy the holiday your sister went on, but would enjoy yours very much. That does not make either of us snobbish. It does, however, make your sister a cowbag for involving the wider family

The phrase is “I’m not being funny but…”
You keep saying been. That doesn’t make any sense.

You were a bit snobby, but you weren’t wrong. The thing is, you just don’t say it. I’d never enjoy her type of holiday and I think it’s a waste. You go away for different culture. But she obviously doesn’t see it like that and you don’t say it. You be the bigger person, even when she goes on about it being boring. Because she might be the sort to do that, but I’m not so I wouldn’t say it.

This is more about family dynamics as sibling rivalry than holidays.
You would maybe benefit from some reading or therapy around the idea that families can actually be very toxic, and there may be more peace to be found in very much reducing your contact with them.

The idea that your comment “got around the family” tells me there is far too much codependency going on in the family. Your mum getting involved only validating that further.

OP, you don’t have to engage with this. Drop the rope. You clearly have very different ideas and lifestyles. That’s ok. She doesn’t have to approve of yours and nor you her. You can swim parallel through the sea of life.

I expect you’ll say “she started it”. Which sounds to be true. But only proves my point. You wouldn’t accept a friend or colleague telling you your photos looked shit, so why do you take it from your sister? Why even show her in the first place? You don’t have to engage with any of this.

Tell her to get to fuck OP. You keep doing you and tell her to keep her opinions to herself and she can enjoy her “boring” holiday.

Has it never occurred to her that there are different holidays for different people?

She sounds like my SIL when she asked why we were sending my DC to the local independent school. Er because we want to. What a fucking thing to ask. I didn’t ask why her DC were going to the local shit school. Turns out the reason was because my DC got nearly all grade 9s from her 11 GCSEs and her DC bollocksed theirs at their school.

News flash. We all make different decisions for ourselves and our children.

But the sister kept going on about it. In the end OP was pressed to speak her mind.

She was very rude to imply that your daughter didn't have a good time and that it was a boring holiday. I don't blame you for giving as good as you got.

You're both in the wrong.

She was rude, you are a bit snobby. I can't imagine a conversation that went on to quite the lengths yours did, but family dynamics etc. However, the comment about your DD staring in silent, contemplative awe at Vesuvius is one of the best things I've read in ages, it's on the same wave as screaming in the Sistine Chapel, so worth the read just for that.

You are a bit snobby and she's one of those whose a reverse snob where anything seem as 'cultural' is immediately boring and try hard. However, she's in the bloody wrong because she was so rude about your holiday! Let me guess, she's rude to you about a lot of things but if you ever give even 10% back to her you are seen as the problem?

I thought all inclusives were great for children (though I'd never been on one as a child) until I tried them with my kids and felt so sorry for all the kids there that we decided to never go on one again.

Yeah I do feel a bit sorry for your DD. I mean your sister’s trip sounds like my idea of hell but your poor DD having to ‘learn’ things on her holiday? Crikey. Fair enough if it’s in addition to your usual holiday, just a European city break to take in a bit of culture but spending your main holiday ‘learning?’ That’s a bit mean.As an adult, I’d adore a trip to Italy 🇮🇹 But it’s a bit unfair on a child (of any age) to spend an entire holiday there, learning.

You did nothing wrong. She went on and on until you snapped. Something I've been on the receiving end of so many times. Why do people think it's OK for her to be rude about your holiday, but the minute you retaliate, you're the oh-so-mean one? Had this all my life too and I'm sick of it!