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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uncompromising holiday disagreement

797 replies

MalePoster · 06/02/2026 19:15

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
WhyArePiratesCalledPirates · 06/02/2026 19:19

I think on the surface it sounds reasonable but there are a couple of things about this that make me think there is so so much more below the surface.
Waiting foe the massive drip feed!

SargeMarge · 06/02/2026 19:21

I’d have no problem with my partner doing this, and he’d have no issue with me doing something similar so I really don’t understand her issue. You’ll get a bunch of horrible comments though so he prepared.

I think I’d be telling her that it’s a holiday for everyone, and that means you should each get to pick something fun for yourselves as well as family things especially as it is so expensive to go there so it wouldn’t be possibly to go for a solo trip. And I’d just ask her to be reasonable and come to a compromise so you both get lots of family time, she gets a spa day and you get a golf day. But I really don’t understand her problem so beyond “just tell her” I don’t have much advice!

FreshInks · 06/02/2026 19:21

You appear to believe that being the ‘breadwinner’ (such an outdated term btw) gives you some sort of special status, when providing financially for your family is simply the baseline expectation. Wanting to play golf on its own isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s combined with your sense of entitlement, it very much becomes so.

Livelaughlurgy · 06/02/2026 19:21

TL:DR
We're going on a 12 day holiday. I want to spend a morning playing golf with my mate, whilst our wife's mind the kids (9,6,9 months) and in return she can do a spa morning the next day. She's saying no. AIBU

All the rest is waffle. And will lead to question like how much leisure time do you both get. How much discretionary spends do you both get.

Swaytheboat · 06/02/2026 19:22

I don't think you're unreasonable about an afternoon playing golf if she can also have an afternoon in the spa or whatever, but the whole prelude about who pays for what is unreasonable. I can totally see why your wife gets pissed off when you mention money, because it does come across like you feel you're doing way more than her rather than her contributing not only a salary but the reduction in childcare costs by her having the kids. So I think this is the big issue. Why haven't you just pooled finances? I don't get why there's this "she paid he paid" nonsense at this stage in your relationship.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 06/02/2026 19:24

Is your wife meant to be grateful to you for paying the lion’s share of the bills, whilst she looks after your children? I know that’s not the point of your post, but I’m not sure what the relevance is to that point. Something a bit deeper going on than just golf.

ForFluentLimeFatball · 06/02/2026 19:24

1 afternoon does not seem unreasonable, especially if it means that you would be happy.
As far as being the main breadwinner, remember it is a hard job looking after 3 small children and making a good home life.
Maybe talk to DW about how beneficial some personal time is for both of you. Good luck

Buscobel · 06/02/2026 19:25

I’m not sure why you feel your wife should be grateful to you for working for the family. Presumably, she is doing most of the child care and whatever is needed at home, as well as having a business of her own. It doesn’t sound like a partnership really.

On the face of it, it doesn’t sound unreasonable to have an afternoon at your hobby, but it may be that your wife doesn’t want to feel obliged to spend time with another family. There’s an element in your post of ‘I’m paying for this so I should get to go and play golf’.

InMyOodie · 06/02/2026 19:26

You think you should be able to play golf because your wife doesn't earn during the maternity leave she took to have your child? I'm not seeing the connection.

But I can't imagine any woman enjoys being told her husband has set up a playdate for her. You seem quite pompous and entitled.

SargeMarge · 06/02/2026 19:26

Jackiepumpkinhead · 06/02/2026 19:24

Is your wife meant to be grateful to you for paying the lion’s share of the bills, whilst she looks after your children? I know that’s not the point of your post, but I’m not sure what the relevance is to that point. Something a bit deeper going on than just golf.

I think his point was that he earns the majority of the money and she does the majority of childcare and her money is for fun so they have quite a fair split… expect she makes all the decisions about how their money is spent, including holidays. And on this occasion, he wants to make a decision and she is saying no as if she is in charge. Instead of actually considering it.

user1471453601 · 06/02/2026 19:26

I too don't see anything, on the face of it, that would lead me to conclude you are being unreasonable.

one thing set off alarm bells for me though. You say you see no appreciation of you being the breadwinner. Do you show any appreciation of your wife carrying three of your children?

Original poster
MalePoster · 06/02/2026 19:28

FreshInks · 06/02/2026 19:21

You appear to believe that being the ‘breadwinner’ (such an outdated term btw) gives you some sort of special status, when providing financially for your family is simply the baseline expectation. Wanting to play golf on its own isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s combined with your sense of entitlement, it very much becomes so.

I feel no entitlement whatsoever about being the “breadwinner”, we pool all money into one pot and it’s free to use however either sees fit. I just thought it was important to mention because if roles were reversed financially, and I was being demanding about playing golf, then maybe I’d be viewed as a little more unreasonable or inconsiderate.. but maybe I’m wide of the mark there

OP posts:
NotEnoughRoom · 06/02/2026 19:28

you get to choose when your “free time” is, and what you do with it - then you’ve just said she can have a spa day in return - she might not want a spa day! or at least want to feel that she has some choice what she does with her “free time”.

also, while you are at work all day, your wife is on her own with the kids. She only gets to spend family time with you (and share the parenting) at weekends and maybe a couple of hours in the evening.

is it so hard to understand that she might actually want to spend all that time with you as a family, without having to give up some of that time for whatever reason.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 06/02/2026 19:30

SargeMarge · 06/02/2026 19:26

I think his point was that he earns the majority of the money and she does the majority of childcare and her money is for fun so they have quite a fair split… expect she makes all the decisions about how their money is spent, including holidays. And on this occasion, he wants to make a decision and she is saying no as if she is in charge. Instead of actually considering it.

Show quote history

Interesting, I didn’t interpret it like that. Something feels a bit off.

VacayDreamer · 06/02/2026 19:30

When is the day of the golf - is it right after you arrive? If yes I could understand her being worried about being alone with 3 overtired kids including a small baby. I certainly wouldn’t be taking all three out on my own. Would the bridesmaid friend come to your hotel?

OCDmama · 06/02/2026 19:31

What you're asking for on holiday isn't unreasonable.

But expecting gratitude from your wife for being the 'breadwinner' (and minimising her financial contributions), and expecting this to automatically give you some power or extra privilege is bang out of order.

She works as hard as you do. She has borne you three children, looks after them and the house. I'm also guessing she's taking a career hit for this, and her labour doing this thankless task is what's allowing you to progress and be the big macho earner.

Do. Not. Underestimate. What. Your. Wife. Provides. You. With.

Weeklyreport · 06/02/2026 19:34

MalePoster · 06/02/2026 19:28

I feel no entitlement whatsoever about being the “breadwinner”, we pool all money into one pot and it’s free to use however either sees fit. I just thought it was important to mention because if roles were reversed financially, and I was being demanding about playing golf, then maybe I’d be viewed as a little more unreasonable or inconsiderate.. but maybe I’m wide of the mark there

Show quote history

Well this just reads like you dont think your wife should get time to herself because shes not the "breadwinner".

WallaceinAnderland · 06/02/2026 19:34

Forget who earns what and focus on the fact that you are a team, both working hard to raise a family jointly.

Your wife has told you that she would like you to be more engaged with the family on holiday and she would also like to spend time with you and the children, not have each of you take time out to spend with other people.

You want women's views? Listen to your wife. Life with small children is hard, hard work and I suspect she does the bulk of it at home.

TimeForATerf · 06/02/2026 19:34

OCDmama · 06/02/2026 19:31

What you're asking for on holiday isn't unreasonable.

But expecting gratitude from your wife for being the 'breadwinner' (and minimising her financial contributions), and expecting this to automatically give you some power or extra privilege is bang out of order.

She works as hard as you do. She has borne you three children, looks after them and the house. I'm also guessing she's taking a career hit for this, and her labour doing this thankless task is what's allowing you to progress and be the big macho earner.

Do. Not. Underestimate. What. Your. Wife. Provides. You. With.

This.

with bells on.

its exactly what I took from the OP, that he expects gratitude from his wife without respecting her contribution. What a tosser.

RonaldMcDonaldTrump · 06/02/2026 19:36

My first impression is that she's being unfair. But can I ask how invested in your golfing hobby you are i.e. how often do you play? Do you go away on golf trips? If you play to a decent level you must get the opportunity to practice. If this is during weekends or you get time to yourself to do this,.then maybe she's warranted to feel a tad resentful and adamant that you're not doing it while on holiday

123123again · 06/02/2026 19:37

FreshInks · 06/02/2026 19:21

You appear to believe that being the ‘breadwinner’ (such an outdated term btw) gives you some sort of special status, when providing financially for your family is simply the baseline expectation. Wanting to play golf on its own isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s combined with your sense of entitlement, it very much becomes so.

That’s not what I took from his post.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. Is your wife wanting a break from having the kids on her own as it’s a holiday? Can you organise a kids club or something for that day?

Morepositivemum · 06/02/2026 19:38

The only thing I kind of go ‘ummm I don’t know’ to us the assumption that she’s going to enjoy the time with the women folk (😉) and children. Do you know that means she’s looking after the kids on her own as are the other women? There’s a difference between them all sitting in sun loungers by the pool without kids and them all running around with kids. Other than that it doesn’t sound like a lot of time so I think it sounds fine

rose88xx · 06/02/2026 19:40

So normally she books and plans the holidays but coincidentally the first time got decide to do it, you pick somewhere that your friend and golf buddy is going to at the same time. What a coincidence! Maybe she’s annoyed because she can see through your attempt to get away with a golf trip masquerading as a family holiday.

TappyGilmore · 06/02/2026 19:41

It is not unreasonable at all for you to have one afternoon out of 12 days to play golf. And in fact your wife dictating that an entire 12 day holiday has to be “family time” is probably a good way to breed resentment - 12 days is a loooooong time!

I do think all the background about who earns what and getting a caravan is completely irrelevant. Not sure why you felt the need to share all that?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 06/02/2026 19:41

Your wife being a stay at home mum is saving you at least £2.5k a month in nursery fees and after school clubs, that's a significant contribution to the household finances.

How much child free/personal time is she getting at home? To me this sounds like a women who doesn't have any hobbies and doesn't know how to spend time on herself. So to her the thought of not making the most of 'family time' is a waste. There isn't a quick fix for that but something you can both work on going forward.