Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

As you’ll see from original post she can have time to herself no problem, completely independent of whether I have time to myself etc. Maybe the financial point wasn’t necessary, the finances do not matter and despite what a lot of these comments say I fully appreciate what my wife brings to our family by being a mum to our children.

She picked it. He said she was talking about going to Dubai but it was difficult to find the time that lined up with all their holidays so it was a last minute booking… which she had instigated and she chose the resort.

So the problem is simply that you want an afternoon to yourself on holiday, and your wife isn't keen on the idea.

I'd assume she's a bit pissed off at having to share a family holiday with another family, even if it's just for part of it, and I don't think that's unreasonable.

The info you've provided about your finances doesn't seem relevant, but you might be able to explain why you thought it was important to mention that.

@MalePoster I wonder if she might give you a totally different answer in a year's time? Your baby is still very little, and there's another two as well. It's an intense time...

You also mention "gratitude" being due to you from you wife. I'm not sure that gratitude really has any role to play in a happy, stable union of two loving, mature adults. Creates kind of a shitty dynamic. Mutual appreciation, sure, but gratitude, yikes.

Finally, the golf. How often do you play?

You need to repost this as a woman and say you want to go away for a half day spa day on holiday but your husband says no. Then you’ll get real answers.

You’re a man posting on mumsnet so no matter what you say or do, you’ll get posters picking you apart and making things up to tell you off for or posters assuming you’re just a selfish shit who doesn’t appreciate your wife.

So does this mean neither person in a relationship with children can have time to themselves?

Hmm. So your wife should show gratitude for you being the sole provider while she's on mat leave with your children? Why? Do you feel gratitude- and express it- for her taking care of your children so that you can go to work? As a sahm I feel that a family is about partnership- if one is taking care of the children (and you have 3 young ones) then it's perfectly normal for the other to provide financially. No gratitude either way- just normal partnership. My dh couldn't and wouldn't have wanted to be a sahp (going away for min 2 nights/week). I absolutely wanted to take care of my children so that worked out great.

Now to your question about being able to play golf on your vacation- ofcourse you should get to have some time on your own! As long as you offer the same to her! Which you did- if she declines it then that's on her. With dh we always took turn- like I really wanted to sleep after lunch so he took the children (when too old to nap with me). I then took them during the afternoon so he could play beach volley/go shopping/do whatever. I think she's being unreasonable and I would tell her that it's non negotiable that you each get some time alone for hobbies whatever. If she prefers spending that time with you and the kids then that's on her.

She's being ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing wrong with half a day spent on the golf course.

Once a week at most.. during the winter it’s been once every 3 weeks. And it’s usually at a convenient-ish time (no time is 100% convenient). I never go away for golf or without family at all. It’s time to myself of course, but I very rarely deny my wife time to herself.

Urgh Dubai with 3 small kids. Anyway...

She's probably thinking the holiday is all about spending time as a family so you escaping to the golf course makes her feel like you don't value that.

Golf is usually quite a long day though, so once a week (taking up a weekend day?) is actually quite a lot. It’s very different from a weekday evening club or something. So that does actually eat into family time a lot. As long as you do take that into consideration and maybe have a talk with your wife about the time spent in the golf course during the spring and summer and how that affects the family.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I bet she's not keen on having kids by herself - look into childcare options at hotel. Dubai nationals due to their multiwife approach often have lots of kids so Dubai hotels usually have great childcare options. I remember standing next to a father who was booking 10 plus kids in to a kidsclub .... by the time he got the younger kids he was having trouble remembering their ages. With your 9 months old I would book a 1-1 nanny and let them go to the kids club with all the children. If unsure book a nanny to look after the kids by the pool one afternoon while you are both around to make sure you feel she is attentive etc and then book for her to look after kids in the kids club. Can I suggest you also do this and have a couples massage before golf. Email hotel to check childcare options.

No matter who is “paying” for the holiday, she is being unreasonable. My DH is a golfer too so I understand the love of it & also see how difficult it is to keep to as a hobby when you have kids. I’d be unhappy if he was playing every weekend while I watched the kids but this situation is different.

Maybe you could frame this differently? You get an afternoon off to do what you want (golf) and she does too (Spa? Shopping? Museums?) Surely on a 12 day holiday you can spend 1 afternoon apart. If she didn’t agree to that I’d say its pretty controlling of her.

Couldn’t have put it better

I imagine that your wife is saying that this is a family holiday and she doesn't want you arranging to play golf during it, which you can do any time at home. And she doesn't want an afternoon of mums and children for herself, which she can do anytime at home.
Why is it so important to you OP? Can't you be with your family for 2 weeks without a break?

I wouldn’t have a problem with my DH doing this. But I think there is more to the story. I don’t understand what you being the bread winner has to do with it? Why feel the need to bring that up? Do you think that although you both contribute to the family in different ways that your contribution is worth more and so she owes you this?

All the chat about breadwinners and dad’s inheritance and Campervans is so unecessary. I think you’re just trying to make us all think you’re so fabulous and hard done by for not getting a golfing trip on holiday.
I don’t believe you didn’t know your mate would be there at the same time, I think that was very planned out, and maybe your wife is a bit miffed by this?
All that said though, I don’t really know why she’s putting up a fight about this. It’s one day and she can have a spa day another time. Even though this woman was her bridesmaid, does she not like her anymore perhaps?

I dont think you are unreasonable at all.
in my house the conversation would go like that.

husband: i d quite like to play golf during the holidays. Which is day is best for our itinerary?
me: dunno yet i havent started working on it
husband: so X and Y are there between those dates, so i ll book Z afternoon, unless you think morning are better
me: actually i d prefer if you d go between mid morning and mid afternoon so you re with me
during morning and bedtime routine
husband: ok

you te wife is unreasonable unless of course you havent told us the complete truth ie. How much do you help with the kids

I’m a mum with 2 kids. I’ve gone off in my own for half a day on every holiday I’ve had with my kids, for spa treatments or a sporting activity they were too young for or even just alone time in the sauna and steam room.

Every holiday. Not all of us are martyrs. He isn’t doing anything wrong and he’s only getting comments like these because of his sex.

I fear this may not be understood unless you are a golfer yourself, but a few of the golf courses in Dubai are world renowned and played on the top world tours, so it’s sort of a unique opportunity / experience.

A few questions

How often do you normally play golf? Is it something she wants to get away from on holiday?

Would she enjoy a spa?

Why do you get a "golf afternoon" and she gets a "spa morning"? - IME afternoons often run over into evenings/drinks etc but mornings often have the underlying expectation of being back to sort the kids' lunch so she would only get a couple of hours.

Did you know your good golf buddy was going to Dubai when you booked? The timing seems a bit suspicious.

How often do you get a block of more than a week to spend with the kids? Is there resentment bubbling that you don't normally pull your weight with the kids but as soon as you get time off you have arranged things with a golf buddy.

Oh and forget the whole "gratitude" argument as it's just bizarre.

My husband is a golf lover, I wouldn't begrudge this at all. He often brings his own clubs with him on holidays, its brings joy to him and im not going to deny him one day out of however many we have away.

Life is short. Play the golf.

No it’s not. It’s purely because he thinks he should be treated as special because he does the bare minimum for his family

If the finances don't matter why did you go into such detail?

Golf once a week? On a weekend? So you disappear for hours at a time on the two days a week you could spend with family. Your wife is working her job a minimum of 6 days a week, and I'm guessing given your attitude there's only one of you getting up in the night, so safe to assume she's actually working 24/7.

I'm about to have my third child, and I work. Work is a thousand times easier than looking after 3 kids.

That’s not at all what he has said, and again, people are only making those comments because he is a man.

He was just giving too much information but mostly he earns the money and she makes the decisions. She picked this holiday. He is asking for a half day, and she can have a half day. No one is being entitled or rude or selfish or wanting special treatment.