Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

Your wife is being utterly ridiculously unreasonable. One game of golf over a 12 day holiday and the answer is no? You should just go and play tbh. Add another round on a different day. Just honestly and take over with the children when you get back.

I can’t imagine saying DH shouldn’t play at least one round of golf when we are in a place with beautiful courses

Mate. Tell her you’re going to play golf, she’s completely unreasonable. She can tell you what she wants to do with her free time on holiday.

Ridiculous that you’d all be glued to each other. Make it during nap time for the kids!

Has she explained why though?

Lots of us are telling you that the problem appears to be you doing this which are advantageous to you and feeling this is OK because you are the breadwinner.

Imagine she finally gets took forward to a lovely 2 week holiday and then finds the destination and timing is so you can play golf with your friends...That it's one day doesn't matter, this marriage is about you and what you want / think is fair rather than being a true partnership.

You've decided her reward for allowing it is to go to a spa with the wives, well she clearly doesn't want to - I wouldn't either.

Sounds a bit like you chose the destination specifically to play on these special courses and that’s annoyed her.

The wife picked it.

Once you start letting someone tell you no, the resentment builds and it’s the beginning of the end.

I wouldn’t have propositioned it as a question. If there are 4 days that overlap I would have chosen one. Sure, ask her if she wants to meet up with her friend that day, but not to justify your absence.

Having to grovel for one morning out to do a once in a lifetime opportunity isn’t what a relationship is about in my eyes.

Is it the golf your wife is objecting to? Or the prospect of spending part of your holiday with your friend’s wife and children by herself? I would be really annoyed if DP arranged for me to socialise with his friends during a holiday to be honest.

If that’s not the case then I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I have 3 DC, a golfing husband and would happily jump at the chance for an afternoon off in exchange for him playing golf for an afternoon!
Is she worried about having the 3 children without you by the pool ect? Is there a kids club maybe the oldest 2 could go to that afternoon?

YABU

I think what you're missing here @MalePoster is that your wife is sick and tired of being a Golf Widow.

Playing once per week for most of the year is a lot. There are countless threads on MN about how shit it is for husband's to fuck off every weekend playing golf for hours on end while wife has to stay home with all of the children.

You keep saying you don't deny your DW her own down time, that's good of you 🙄 But when exactly is she supposed to have this downtime? And then when exactly are you all supposed to have quality family time?

And as for you arranging a playdate for your wife and children in Dubai, how fucking dare you. You arrogant man.

The hypocrisy on here is shocking. If this was a woman saying he husband had shut down a activity she really wanted to di for one afternoon the hed be called controlling and she'd probably be told to LTB!!

Op for what its worth your wife sounds controlling and that's very worrying. I'd be sitting her down and telling her it's happening, don't back down and I'd be wanting a serious conversation about her behaviour as frankly it's a massive red flag. She's welcome to take an afternoon off or not how she pleases but she has no right to tell you you can't do something for 1 afternoon!

Personally, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. We are off on
holiday this summer & hubby will be off playing golf twice in 7 days. He’s going to play early morning (7am) so we still have family time those days.

I will go to the spa one day/afternoon and have a relax by the pool with my daughter when they are playing golf. I see this as a bit of give and take and something we feel is a good balance for our marriage.

i would try and discuss with your wife, why she doesn’t want you to play golf on holiday.

On the face of it, it does seem to be wildly unreasonable to refuse you the opportunity to have half a days gold whilst on holiday.

Only you know if what you've told us is actually accurate mind, but that applies to every poster here.

A thought exercise, if you will (no need to post it if you don't want to).

If your wife were writing about this exact situation 'we're going to Dubai on a family holiday and my husband wants to play golf for one half day'... how would she write that post, how would she describe the situation and her issue with it?

Does she actually have activities/hobbies she enjoys outside family time/family activities? Is it possible that whilst your desired hobby is golf, hers actually IS 'spending time with my husband and the children together'...

His wife chose the country and the resort.

You have 2 days a week that you could spend with your family. A quarter of that available time is spent playing golf.

Your wife already resents that time - and the fact she never gets a Saturday lie-in. She is sick of the word ‘golf’. She wants to destroy your clubs & burn your golf bag.

Because you do actually sound like a decent bloke, maybe you should have a conversation about this.

Posting on AIBU, though?

And who actually speaks like this: ‘I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai’ in real life?

Anyway, well done on keeping your golf game at such a high level by only playing once every three weeks.

One afternoon out of 12 days is not unreasonable. If this was a man refusing to let his wife have half a day on holiday to go to a spa then he’d be called controlling. It’s a holiday for both of you and she gets to decide where you go..? Regardless of who pays for it, the fact one person decides is controlling. Plus you’ve offered her a half day off duty too. I’d be tempted to cancel the holiday and stay home and you can play golf twice in the same time period. If This was a long weekend break I’d probably say it wasn’t as fair to let you play but after 12 days, you’d want some space

Exactly. Is she meant to put on a suit and say thank you 🙄

She's not controlling FFS, she's simply had enough of being a Golf Widow and left constantly to look after their children while he gets an abundance of down time.

On the face of it, I do actually think a day's golf in Dubai is fine, but clearly this is an ongoing source of tension for the wife due to the amount of golfing time he spends in their normal lives. They lack quality family time because of it and the wife is clearly at the end of her tether because of it.

Come on, how many Golf Widows have we had on here who have reached breaking point and initiated divorce? Countless I tell you, countless!!

The woman was her own bridesmaid! It’s not a forced play date..

I very rarely deny my wife time to herself

Fuck me, is that right?
Can't possibly see the issue here........
🙄

Is golf an ongoing source of tension OP?

How does she say she feels about your current arrangement of playing most satutday mornings?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable. You’ve offered her the equivalent time to herself. It doesn’t seem fair that just because that’s not an offer she wants to take up, you aren’t able to.

How does she feel about meeting up with other couple generally? I know you mentioned this woman was her bridesmaid, but that was nearly a decade ago, are they still close now? You can’t assume they’re still good friends if they don’t see each other fairly regularly. Could it be that she is not keen to hang out with the wife of this couple and that’s what’s putting her off?

I would try and find out if there is something else going on. If she can’t elaborate on a reason beyond ‘I don’t want you to’ then I think you need to challenge her and ask why what she wants in this situation trumps what you’d like? You’ll have a significant amount of family time, so an afternoon isn’t unreasonable, hopefully you’ll manage to find a compromise where you get to play and she feels like she’s getting the holiday she wants.

She chose the place and it’s her female friend who was her bridesmaid - shes not being forced to spend time with a strangers wife

Goodness, rockingroller, what's going on in that silly little woman brain, you simply don't understand golf.
Apparently.

I don’t see the issue really in you playing golf for a few hours. But it will be hard for her with three kids and maybe she doesn’t see that as a holiday. But if it were me I’d get on with it for a few hours. BUT I’d hate to be set up with other people on my holiday. I’m quite anti social and wouldn’t want to spend time with others….however much I liked them….in another country on my hols. Could it be that?