Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

Why does this issue have anything to do with what you earn?

That shows that you do feel that your earning power naturally gives you more power/weight - but that you choose not to exercise that power because you'd rather be thought of as a 'good guy'.

I'd love to know whether you've calculated what your wife's caring responsibilities would have cost, had she not done them. First of all, because if you haven't researched and made this calculation it's because you - consciously or otherwise - believe that the woman should do all that shit.

And secondly because I bet if you factor in a £30K nanny and a £25K part time exec PA to organise your life, plan your kids' birthday parties in time, make sure they get the school that you want for them, make sure you don't run out of anything at home, organise the weekly shop and have a vague meal plan, plus (lol) plan and book your holidays - plus of course 10 hours of a cleaner per week at £150, plus a cook for say 7 hours per week at say £200 - I fucking bet it adds up to you both earning around the same.

100% this.

The issue is OP is that your kids are all v v small (our 3 are all the same ages). Looking after them alone for an hour anywhere but home is hard for me. The toddler runs off, the baby is ill with a temp and needs holding ever minute. I have to watch all 3 of them around a pool, you can’t take them swimming.

If ours were 5, 7 and 10 I would be saying go for it! But you’re leaving her high and dry.

also my husband says things like oh I want to do X for an afternoon but really it’s a whole day thing. Also I wonder if your offer of a spa time is an empty offer really as the baby probably won’t settle as well for you as for her so she doesn’t really want to leave the baby or have alone time until baby is a bit older.

baaicwlly it’s the season you’re in, I bet if you proposed this 3 years down the line it would be so different.

as per other posters, the stuff about gratitude is grim and nauseating

They both work hard at home. And both deserve to enjoy the holiday. She’s chosen the location and she’s also spent his inheritance on a camper that she wants and she’s telling him he can’t do one thing on one day when he’s been saying he’d like to do that experience… what if she wants to go shopping when they are there and he doesn’t? I bet he won’t get a say in that either. Both work hard. Although I’m a mother who works in a senior role and working at a senior level is far more difficult than parenting. I’ve done both. It’s really not mentally demanding at all. It’s physically hard and you don’t get to sit down but it’s mentally nothing like working in a senior role.

This will be an extremely unpopular opinion but there are lots of women who’d think themselves very lucky to be able to be a SAHM to 3 children and still get to go on luxury holidays to Dubai.

She is being very unreasonable. DH and I always make sure we make it work if one of us wants to do something for ourselves because we’re a team and want each other to be happy.

I don’t think it matters what the financial arrangements are, you’re allowed to want time away.
when we go on family holidays my partner and I take a morning/afternoon to ourselves (he usually plays golf too).
Tbh I wouldn’t take no for an answer, as long as you’re an active/involved parent when together and pulling your weight, I’d just say “I’m playing golf this day, let me know when you want your break”.

Not sure you’re going to get much sympathy here though…

She chose the place. If she can’t manage on holiday for a few hours, how does she cope at home when he’s at work

If she had her own interests it wouldn't be an issue. If you have a husband who plays golf or football or whatever it is, but you never take time for yourself, that is when the resentment kicks in. This poster has said he is more than happy for his wife to take some 'me time' on the holiday, whatever she likes. She has no to be spiteful probably. Same applies at home, rather then being stuck in all the time, get out and do something for yourself.

You presume wrong. Lots of unnecessary information, which makes me think there’s more to his story.

What did you agree about how you would parent/work/spend money before having child 1? And then child 2? And child 3?

because this didn’t happen overnight and you appear to be somewhat blind to the demands of looking after 3 small children.

But 12 whole days of "family" time?

If he plays golf one day, surely she can do something the next day whilst he has the children?

Good point. Did you do that, OP?

Let's get one thing straight; you're married with children so any money earnt, regardless of who by, is FAMILY money, end of. Its all one pot, not yours or hers.
You'd be in for a massive shock if your wife presented you with a childcare bill for providing 24/7 cover for 3 children so you can go out and 'provide' financially.
You are not being unreasonable for wanting to spend one afternoon of your holiday with a friend. Irrespective of whether you've paid for it or not, its quite controlling behaviour on your wife's behalf.

I know nothing about golf. I've no idea why anyone would want to go to Dubai.

He works full time so he’s not getting lie ins midweek either. And fortunately he earns enough so she doesn’t have to work. Being a full time SAHM is exhausting physically and can be mind numbing boring but working in a demanding job is mentally exhausting and stressful. I’ve worked full time in a senior role and taking a weeks holiday to spend with kids when they were young was much easier. It’s not hard to look after your kids. I wish folk would stop acting as if looking after your own kids is that hard. It’s really not

I can't see where the compromise mentioned in the title is supposed to come in... Isn't it either you getting what you want, or not?

It is hard to tell because we are only hearing one side.

It sounds very reasonable to say you want one afternoon to do your own thing and you'll happily offer her the same. And she sounds very bossy like she's entitled to tell you what to do. But I do wonder if you've made things look a bit too rosy.

Did you engineer the booking with golf mate in mind? Will a game of golf turn into dinner and a bender and being fit for nothing the next day too? Will you end up arguing so you can conveniently have an excuse to storm out and go off with your mate?

That may be very unfair of me but ... so you have form?

If not then I agree with you that not every day needs to be family day. It's good to do things of your own too (mum and dad). And no one should be announcing what's allowed and what isn't. You're both adults!

We go on multiple trips per year, never with friends, a lot of family time spent together, that’s not an issue I don’t think.
I agree the breadwinner part of my post may have been unnecessary. I felt like I had to explain what I bring to the table, but maybe not needed

His wife is refusing to compromise. She chose the holiday location and is telling him he can’t do any activities that Dubai is famous for. I wonder if he should say we aren’t going to any shopping malls…

His compromise is that he’s willing to look after the kids so she can have some free time.. if being a full time SAHM was that hard, she would surely jump at that opportunity?

I think you’re not unreasonable to both get a day to yourself on holiday

I DO think you’re unreasonable taking a half day every weekend to play golf. THIS is what she’s resentful of. That’s a quarter of the whole weekend.

She clearly thinks this too and wants to stop this shit bleeding into her family holiday with you.

I suggest you try to find a way to divide up term time more fairly.

I guess you just tell her that you’re doing it. That one afternoon in a 12 day holiday is nothing. And that if she doesn’t like it, then it’s tough tits.

And when is his wife supposed to have "her own interests" when she's looking after 3 young children and her DH spends weekends golfing? Their youngest is only 9 months old, I very much doubt she gets much time to herself despite her DH claiming he doesn't "deny" her it 🙄

You both work but only one of you brings in cash and you share everything you have. You also allow her to chose the holiday location and spend your inheritance on something she wants.. mentioning that you’re the breadwinner is a fact but all the stay at home mums think it’s an insulting term. It’s not. You do bring home the money and many women in your wife’s position don’t appreciate how lucky they are. Pay for childcare and let her work full time. Then she will realise how easy she has it now.

That's the most likely reason for what at first seems like an unreasonable objection. Every single Saturday has to be planned around your hobby and she doesn't want it on holiday too.

Hi op. I’m probably the wife in your situation. We have four kids, although older than yours. My husband was older than me and established in his career so if we had kids the deal was I looked after them, took days off if they were sick etc. not great but it worked ok for a while.
I am sick of hearing - if you want xyz go and earn it/i pay the bills and I don’t have any space in this house/you go and work 12 hour days etc etc. I just wonder if maybe you don’t see the child raising as equal and this stings so yet again your wife is left with the kids when she thought you might do it together this time.

Evenings? Sat afternoons and Sunday? She’s only looking after her kids. The 6 year old is at school and the 3 year old at nursery. And he wfh and does school runs.