Uncompromising holiday disagreement

[MalePoster]

I would like some advice and opinions please, either way - I understand this is generally a place for women to post but I’m struggling to find somewhere that men can ask for similar advice.

Some context and background - I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for nearly 9. We have 3 children, 6 yo, 3 yo and 9 months. For as long as I can remember I have covered all of our bills and outgoings (at least since we started having children) and any income my wife has had over that period has been seen as disposable income, paying for holidays etc.. she is self employed so unfortunately this decreases a little when she is on maternity, such as in the past 9 months.. luckily I have been in position financially to be able to provide a decent lifestyle for us as a family, and I do not see being the breadwinner or the sole earner as a problem, however I do see very little gratitude to this fact from my wife as any time I mention money she thinks I’m holding it against her that I am the sole provider financially. I feel like in our lives, I do not make many demands as a husband, and I’m always more than happy to go on the holidays my wife wants and do activities that she wants us to do. She has been keen on buying a campervan for quite a few years and I’ve even come round to the idea and said I would put my Dads inheritance towards buying the campervan (Dad sadly passed last year).

I have recently booked a luxurious 12 day holiday for us as a family to go Dubai. My wife has been keen on going away for a while and I was just trying to time it right with school and work etc, so booked quite last minute. She had said Dubai would be good, and picked a nice resort hotel after we looked together, which I agreed would be a nice break for us as a family and hence why I booked it.

My personal hobby in life is golf, I play to a decent level and like playing nice courses when I can, without it being too unreasonable and inconsiderate to our family life.

I had mentioned a few times that if we went back to Dubai (went 4 years ago), I would like to play golf once during our trip.. this was usually met with the “we’ll see” “depends on timing” etc, like I am asking for permission. Well after I had booked I said that I would quite like to play golf, and it just so happened that our trip overlaps by 4 days with one of our close friend couples (with kids too) from home (I knew we were going to overlap before I booked but coincidence that they happened to be going at similar time).

I have made the suggestion to my wife that on one of the afternoons that we overlap with our friends, me and the other bloke go and play golf, leaving the wives and children all together somewhere to enjoy each others company etc.. well this has been met with a firm no from my wife, with absolutely no compromise or consideration towards my request, which has actually really annoyed me. She has made it clear that she wants the whole 12 day holiday to be family time together and thinks it’s unreasonable for me to go and play golf with my friend on one afternoon, even if it means she gets to spend time with her friend (who was one of her bridesmaids so a pretty close friend).

I have said that I’m more than happy for her to go and do something for her in return, like a spa morning or similar, but she says she doesn’t want to do that and just wants to spend the whole time as a family. Whilst I fully appreciate that, I do not think it makes me a bad person for wanting to do something for me on our holiday, especially considering all of the background to our relationship that I presented above.

What should I do? I really don’t want to back down for the principle of not being in a controlling relationship, and because I really do not think my request is unreasonable or inconsiderate to her or our children when considering the whole situation/scenario at play.

Thanks in advance

This is a really good point.

When children come along, it’s ‘healthy’ for dads to carry on with their hobbies. Women? Fuck ‘em.

The male hobby is sacred and sacrosanct. Of course the man should get to play golf in Dubai! It’s his hobby! What could be more important than the male past time? His mental health and satisfaction, it should be preserved at all costs!

Let the woman prevent the children from drowning in the pool, or burning in the middle eastern sun. She can have a cocktail with her friend while she’s doing it if she likes. As long as the golf occurs.

I think she is digging her heels in for 2 reasons

Firstly - you lied to her. You arranged everything with you golf mate in advance and then tried to pretend it was a "coincidence" that your holidays overlapped. Because you haven't been honest - why would she believe you?

Secondly - you took the piss on your previous holiday in Cornwall - in a one week holiday - realistically 5 non travelling days - you and your golfing buddy played 3 times leaving only a couple of non-golfing family days. Do you not see that this was out of order? No doubt she doesn't believe that you will restrict the days this time - especially given that you lied about pre-arranging things with the same golfing buddy yet again.

Question is - what sort of memories do you want to your kids to have of family holidays?

Thirdly he in the summer he plays golf every weekend sometimes both days

wtf, how did you turn this man’s cry for help into something sinister. All my family use the term bread winner so it’s not outdated. He did not appear to have a sense of entitlement at all. Are you one of those feminist that hate men. People that think like you make Andrew Tate seem right.

You don't think it odd that he thinks his wife should express more "gratitude" for him earning more money when she is looking after 3 very young kids and earning £20K a year running her own business?

Where exactly do you see this entitlement? He says in the post that he doesn't see it as a problem and doesn't hold it against his wife at all. This comment is reading a lot into this post that isn't really there.

Not true at all if you marry the right person. I continued my hobby despite having 5 breastfed children. When they were really tiny they came with me and were partially looked after at times by fellow hobbyists.
When they got past 3 months ish DH would look after them after I'd given them their evening feed and I'd be back in time for the first night time one usually. Sometimes they got cranky but he just dealt with it.

Oh, fgs, who actually says this? I had a major hobby when my kids were actually kids & so did most of friends. No one ever said 'sorry everyone, I'm not coming any more because I'm having a baby' . Women who do this are building a cage for themselves. Women & men need outside interests in their lives & anyone who tries to prevent them need a (metaphorical) slap.

@Bloozie
@AlexStocks

but in this case OP is actively encouraging his wife to take time for herself on the holiday, and do a hobby. She is rejecting of this because she wants them all together and family time 24/7 - that’s her choice. But it doesn’t mean that OP has to decline to do stuff for himself just because she doesn’t want to.

THIS!

I'm glad you said this. So many of these comments feel like they're not even reading what OP wrote and are just reacting to the breadwinner comment. Projecting a lot onto this situation that isn't really fair to OP.

I think it turned more negative after his wife posted and revealed he totally took the piss on their previous holiday.

Looks like Dubai holidays are going to be off for some time. Disagreement solved.

I think they have more to worry about than holidays after the way this thread played out

Not sure this applies to all hobbies. Can’t imagine whipping my boob out in the middle of a body pump class

Unless Body Pump now has a whole new meaning? 🤣

😂

He booked a weeks golf holiday when she had a newborn and two littles. This is not a man who will be gone for 6 hours and back ready to pull his weight. Who knows if she can trust him with the kids on his own?

This with bells on. I doubt that they will still be together after what was revealed.

Well I think the golf holiday in Dubai may be off anyway now

Exactly. I cannot agree with the pile on. He wants a half day FFS.

His wife doesn't want him to have a separate golf holiday (fine with LOs so young) so he wants a day of this 12 day trip for a 1/2 day at the golf course. And while hes there, his friends wife who us v close to her could spend the day with her.

And hes offered to have kids solely another day if his wife wanted to do something child free herself on one of the days.

So to me, Id be happy to agree. But if she doesnt want him to have a golf holiday and doesnt want him golfing 1 day of the family holiday I think thats unreasonable. And I cant understand the pile on either.