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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have snapped and pissed off DH in front of his parents

544 replies

JoanJettsBlackheads · 06/02/2026 15:06

DH becomes like another person when his parents are with us. He was brought up in a very traditional household with his Dad as the breadwinner and his Mum as a SAHM and then housewife (she has never really worked since she got married). In contrast to us, I have always hugely out earned DH, but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth, eg saying that my boss “let me” go to Paris with him to “help” him while he was negotiating a deal. The reality is that I am the main negotiator. DH also likes to portray me as a bit dim, ditsy and clumsy. He was going to town on this when they came over for dinner this week, telling his parents how I’d smashed a bottle of wine (true), left something in a taxi that he’d had to run after to get back (not true), plus a whole list of other things which were embellished. He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

I snapped at that point and said to him “If I’m that fucking stupid, why do I earn five times what you do?” He just sat there not saying anything, his parents made their excuses and left, but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.

We had a huge row when they had left, and he’s now sulking and not speaking to me. I’m not apologising, and he can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. He usually just implies that I have a “little job” and that he is Billy Big Bollocks, and I bite my tongue, but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am. Not sure what I want from this thread or where we go from here but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Beamur · 06/02/2026 15:08

Good for you.
Keep feeling like this. It's your DH that's the problem here, not his parents.

justasking111 · 06/02/2026 15:08

I'm proud of you too . I suspect dad knows his son only too well

Ninerainbows · 06/02/2026 15:10

I'm proud of you too! Why should you play along? If he didn't put you down you wouldn't have snapped.

FavouriteBlueMug · 06/02/2026 15:11

You aren’t unreasonable for snapping, you are unreasonable for ever accepting this kind of behaviour.

Why on Earth did you let him tell them you had a “little” job? Or lie about anything at all?

If you have kids this is modelling terrible behaviour to them.

chunkyBoo · 06/02/2026 15:11

I’m also the breadwinner in our house, I’d tear my DH a new one too if he tried that on with me!

YouAndMeDays · 06/02/2026 15:11

but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am.

There's a lot of stuff going on here, OP. I wonder if he, underneath it all, resents that you earn/have a more responsible job than he does.

Joking about you being stupid or useless is beyond the Pale, imo. I would be BEYOND furious.

Sounds like some marriage counselling is called for, if you want to save things.

gannett · 06/02/2026 15:11

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth

YANBU for snapping but YABU for going along with this ridiculous set-up for even one second. Why on earth didn't you nip it in the bud? Did you not think his absurd insecurity might foreshadow this kind of babyish behaviour? He told you who he was...

I genuinely don't think I could even be friends with this kind of man, let alone marry them. Instant dumping offence when I was dating.

JSMill · 06/02/2026 15:12

Your dh sounds like a dick but his dad sounds like a nice man.

AnnaMagnani · 06/02/2026 15:12

I can't believe you haven't murdered him years ago.

NuffSaidSam · 06/02/2026 15:15

With any luck he'll never speak to you again! You'll wake up to find he's packed his bags and moved back to 1950.

Why have you tolerated this for this long though? That's something that you need to explore.

outerspacepotato · 06/02/2026 15:15

Your husband even lies to neg you and tear you down to his parents up build himself up. This is a really toxic dynamic. He tears you down, treats you with contempt, resents that you're capable, these are death blows to a marriage.

He doesn't even like you. He resents you out earning him and tearing you down is his way of putting you in your place and he thinks that is below him. He's a misogynist and that's not going to change.

Oh, I bet he's mad you dropped the truth bomb about your career.

Not speaking to you is an abuse tactic.

I'd get a lawyer consult to see where you stand with regards to a split. Your husband is an emotionally and verbally abusive asshole and do not go to marriage counseling with someone who uses abuse tactics.

purplecorkheart · 06/02/2026 15:16

How dare he. What a pathetic loser of a man. Sorry I would be taking my five times his earning power and leave him. How dare he make up stories to make you look silly. I glad his parent now know what sad loser their son is. You were totally in the right.

Foreverautumnagain · 06/02/2026 15:16

How sad he feels the need to even make a thing of it. He'd be better off just treating you nicely and enjoying their company. Let him sulk and make sure he knows you'll speak up every time he tries to belittle you in front of anyone, especially your kids!

NoDrums · 06/02/2026 15:16

I’m amazed you lasted that long. I wouldn’t have managed even a day.

How long have you been married?

Needlesd to say your H has terrible insecurities. But that aside, putting you down to make himself feel better is totally unacceptable.

JoanJettsBlackheads · 06/02/2026 15:17

The thing is, for a long time, we earned roughly equal amounts, and then about 10 years ago, my career took off. He went from not really mentioning this, except to say that I had changed jobs, to portraying me as some kind of simpleton, in front of his parents, I think to make himself out to be some kind of alpha male like his Dad. I’ve asked him before why he does it, he says he’s just joking, and I’ve told him I don’t find it funny. But the other night was something else, he just went on and on and on. I’m just going to let him simmer for now, while I think about what to do next.

OP posts:
Iamblossom · 06/02/2026 15:17

I think it is super sad your husband is not proud of you and happy to share it with others including his parents.

I earn more than my husband and he is happy to tell other people and is very proud of my career achievements.

As a PP said i expect your DH's parents totally know he is an absolute blagger

JLou08 · 06/02/2026 15:17

Good on you for standing up to him.
Why have you let him act this way before getting to the point of snapping?

Wakemeupinapril · 06/02/2026 15:17

Maybe own up to one mistake...
Marrying him.

BarMonaco · 06/02/2026 15:19

Appalling that he said you aren't bright. Good for FIL

Thundertoast · 06/02/2026 15:21

'but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.'

Bloody hell, that really screams to me that his dad thinks your DH speaks to you like shit, doesnt it.

Can I ask.. the only men ive met who are wound up in the idea of 'being a man' who behave this way are themselves not very bright. They might be practical. They might be good at numbers. But they have a deep yawning insecurity and arent bright enough to have figured out that the idea of 'man smart and bring money' is bollocks. And he's also fucking horrible to you. So... why are you with him? Why do you think you didnt kick him to the curb the first sign of this, whats happened in your past that you feel like you need to stay with a man who talks to you like shit?

UncannyFanny · 06/02/2026 15:21

Next time they come round you’ll have to ask your DH in front of them when he’s going to get himself a ‘little job’ to help you out a bit.

Goldfsh · 06/02/2026 15:21

HAHAHAHAHAHA

This is the best thing I've ever heard.

His dad taking you aside is the icing on the cake.

I'm proud of you too! You've made my day TBH.

ProfessorRedshoeblueshoe · 06/02/2026 15:22

Well done to FIL

ldnmusic87 · 06/02/2026 15:23

I cannot believe he said that about you, that is awful.

LadyDanburysHat · 06/02/2026 15:23

His fragile masculine ego not wanting his parents to know you are the bigger earner is not great, but okay. But him putting you down like that is absolutely outrageous. It is his fault if he is now feeling embarrassed.

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