To have snapped and pissed off DH in front of his parents

[JoanJettsBlackheads]

DH becomes like another person when his parents are with us. He was brought up in a very traditional household with his Dad as the breadwinner and his Mum as a SAHM and then housewife (she has never really worked since she got married). In contrast to us, I have always hugely out earned DH, but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth, eg saying that my boss “let me” go to Paris with him to “help” him while he was negotiating a deal. The reality is that I am the main negotiator. DH also likes to portray me as a bit dim, ditsy and clumsy. He was going to town on this when they came over for dinner this week, telling his parents how I’d smashed a bottle of wine (true), left something in a taxi that he’d had to run after to get back (not true), plus a whole list of other things which were embellished. He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

I snapped at that point and said to him “If I’m that fucking stupid, why do I earn five times what you do?” He just sat there not saying anything, his parents made their excuses and left, but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.

We had a huge row when they had left, and he’s now sulking and not speaking to me. I’m not apologising, and he can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. He usually just implies that I have a “little job” and that he is Billy Big Bollocks, and I bite my tongue, but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am. Not sure what I want from this thread or where we go from here but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Please tell me you don't have children who have listened to him run you down for years ?

Well done for losing your sh*t and nothing short of an abject apology and never doing it again would begin to salvage his situation. I suspect that a) it won't be forthcoming and b) even if it is, you have had enough in every sense of the word.

Actually, on reflection, this makes far more sense.
rage bait. Damn it, I fell for it, so many awful men it’s hard to separate the joke ones.

Im so fucking angry for you OP.

I out earn my partner and I have to stop him harping on about my job to everyone else! He’s almost too positive about it. It’s like showing off.

Ooh good for you op.

I'm glad his dad asked you if it was true and said he was proud of you. That's actually quite heartening to hear!

Your husband is an insecure dickhead.
Let him stew. It will be telling to see if he can offer you a genuine apology.

It's also a bit shit that when you became coo he wasn't shouting from the rooftops about your achievement, saying how amazing you are and congratulating you. He's clearly very jealous.

Blimey, good for you OP. My ex used to be of a similar line of thinking, hated that I earned more than him, hated that I worked in a more prestigious area, hated that I earned a bonus when he didn't. He used every fucking opportunity to remind me why my job didn't matter compared to his.

There's a good reason why he's my ex!

WTF are you with such an insecure, small man.

Good for you. Except I can’t for the life of me understand why you’ve put up with his outright lies, e.g. the Paris remark, until now.

Over egging his financial contribution would irritate me, but I could probably understand it if it came from insecurity.

Making jokes at your expense starts to slip over into "Um, no, this is not okay and you're supposed to love me" and would definitely make me uncomfortable with this relationship.

Outright calling you "thick" moves into emotionally abusive territory.

His dad's response suggests also that his son has been telling all kinds of porkies and that perhaps, as an intelligent man with a successful career and, one assumes, a SAH wife he respected and loved during those years, he's not oblivious to his son's twattiness.

You should have snapped at him but slightly YABU to bring up the money. Snap at him for calling you thick - out earning him hasn't got much to do with it...

Well done. If I was in that situation I wouldn't have been able to hold it in for so long.

Absolutely brilliant OP, love what you said!

I also am interested in the fact that he's not talking to you and you've said you're not apologising... that makes me think this sort o fthing has happened before? Ie where you get into an argument where you think you haev a perfectly legitimate argument, he throws a tantrum, sulks, and you land up apologising to smooth things over?

“But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!” Did he REALLY say that!?

I'm also proud of you!

His dad sounds like a good egg too! My guess is that his parents have always had a sneaking suspicion that it's you who is the driving force in the family.

You say it's never been this bad before, so hopefully the whole relationship is salvageable, as long as he's very clear about no more putting you down once you've had your conversation.

My ex-H was always proud of me when I out-earned him, just as I was proud of him when he out-earned me.

Whereas one of the early red flags I didn't notice with the abusive ex was that he liked to make out I was ditzy, forgetful, and not really paying attention to the real world. That he was somehow more intelligent and successful than me (physiotherapist) even though he didn't get even 1 O Level and was a (mostly unemployed) builder.

Not to say your husband is abusive, but it's not great that he can't celebrate your achievements. What is wrong with him that he has to bring you down to make him feel big? What other manipulative behaviours (alongside the silent treatment) will he try, to try to make you feel as small as he wishes you were?

He needs to sort himself out and deal with his insecurities. You were very tolerant to put up with his nonsense at all.

He is jealous of you

This is so funny!!! He needed putting in his place.
Im so proud of you 👏🏻 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

This is brilliant, well done you. And I am SO happy to hear what your fil said. He sounds great! Your husband is an insecure arsehole. How dare he put you down?! He should have been proud of you and shown off your achievements to his parents, not make you out to be an idiot.
Absolutely do not apologise, you've not done anything wrong - he has.

If this is really how your life with him has been, I just can’t understand why you’d stay.
You’re a successful woman, perfectly capable of independence and strength yet you allowed yourself to be made small and belittled; called stupid, had your job misrepresented so as to make him feel big and allow him to pretend you were kept in your place, you sat there for years allowing insults, not just about your job but about your personality and character… and you took it all. Why?

It sounds like his self esteem is in his boots. Despite this there is no excuse to belittle you in front of his parents. I agree you need to iron this out once & for all & to get him to admit he is envious of your situation as a higher earner. If his behaviour doesn't change the decision is yours.

Oh yes that age old joke of calling one of the most important people in your life a simpleton.

This is contempt and jealousy. If you stay I'd mention it constantly to him that you earn so much more but he can't help that as he has "other qualities". See how he likes it

How dare he!

The out-earning comes with being COO, rather than the CEO's PA (as her D(ickhead) H has insinuated. It was absolutely right that OP pointed out how much she earns, given that it's tied to her very senior role!

He sounds like a red pill incel which, as a married man he shouldn't be, but he is perhaps learning their rhetoric and disrespect of women.

I am proud of you too, and he deserved every word that you said and more. Don't you fucking well dare apologise! If it were me I'd have him and I visit his parents again and he can explain, in front of you, how important your job is and that it is him accompanying you to Paris not the other way around. That he made up the purse and taxi story, and that you are ditsy. How very dare he be so disrespectful towards his own wife!! I bet he doesn't see his father doing that towards his mother.

It seems like it's always flacid little men who are "only joking" and I am so, so beyond tired of that being used to excuse themselves of any responsibility to act with even a basic level of respect towards the women that they apparently love. It's not a joke if it's not funny, you utter crusty little shit stain. You are seriously punching up for your wife, she does not need you and you will lose her if you continue to act with such utter conetmpt for her. Fucking well wise up, sharpish!!

You go girl!! How bloody dare he speak about you like that. Aside from that, you do have a husband problem and he should absolutely face the music and stop belittling you just because his little ego can’t take it that hes with a highly capable woman who happens to outward him.

Yes. In a super patronising way.