To have snapped and pissed off DH in front of his parents

[JoanJettsBlackheads]

DH becomes like another person when his parents are with us. He was brought up in a very traditional household with his Dad as the breadwinner and his Mum as a SAHM and then housewife (she has never really worked since she got married). In contrast to us, I have always hugely out earned DH, but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth, eg saying that my boss “let me” go to Paris with him to “help” him while he was negotiating a deal. The reality is that I am the main negotiator. DH also likes to portray me as a bit dim, ditsy and clumsy. He was going to town on this when they came over for dinner this week, telling his parents how I’d smashed a bottle of wine (true), left something in a taxi that he’d had to run after to get back (not true), plus a whole list of other things which were embellished. He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

I snapped at that point and said to him “If I’m that fucking stupid, why do I earn five times what you do?” He just sat there not saying anything, his parents made their excuses and left, but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.

We had a huge row when they had left, and he’s now sulking and not speaking to me. I’m not apologising, and he can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. He usually just implies that I have a “little job” and that he is Billy Big Bollocks, and I bite my tongue, but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am. Not sure what I want from this thread or where we go from here but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Als came to ask if you have children?
man’s you have two hours so can you separate easily?

Nip it in the bud now and don’t be polite about it. He doesn’t get to undermine your success and if he can’t be proud of you then your marriage is over imo. He’s deliberately undermining you in front of his parents to make himself feel bigger and patting your arm like a child is humiliating. His silence is his way of punishing you to make you feel guilty and it’s not ok for him to play the wounded little soldier. Sorry, but he doesn’t sound like he respects you, if he can’t be proud of you in front of his parents that’s a serious issue and he really needs to face up to his insecurities.

I hope you get it sorted but please, don’t let him slither out of owning his terrible behaviour.

You’re married to an insecure bully. Why
on earth did it take you so long to finally snap at this bellend and expose his lies? Not meant to sound judgmental I’m just truly curious.

Btw, I earn less than half what my husband earns in a low skilled job. I would never, ever allow him to speak to me or about me like that. He wouldn’t anyway tbf.

This is going to be a real test, isn't it? If your husband has a grain of sense, he'll apologise at some length, acknowledge that he was a total arsehole and fool, and promise faithfully that he will never do anything like this again. If he dares to continue to try to blame you, he's asking for that divorce.

He's an insecure knobhead who's obviously shown his true colours.glad your fil sounds decent though.

OP any normal, loving husband would be proud of you for doing so well, and would be encouraging and supportive. The fact he's made you out to be some kind of simpleton and is happy to make up lies about you even while you are there is honestly just awful, degrading and the opposite of someone who cares about you. Imagine what he says about you when you AREN'T there? Does he do the same with friends?

I can understand someone possibly feeling emasculated or whatever in a traditional sense - but that doesn't make this ok. At all.

It sounds like he's embarrassed about being a lower earner than his wife, so he's tearing you down instead of actually doing something about it.

I would be stipulating that for the marriage to continue, he would need to sit down with you and his parents and tell the truth, and explain why he's been lying all this time to them. Maybe their attitude towards you from then on (positive and encouraging, by the sounds of his dad's comment) will rub off on him.

OP, he is a very nasty piece of work, a bully and emotionally abusive.

You are in an abusive marriage.

Why on earth are you accepting being spoken to about/like that?

Do you have self esteem issues, because it is really hard to fathom any woman with a scrap of self respect, irrespective of what career they have, accepting being denigrated like that.

You do realise he doesn't love you, or like you that much.

Wake up to your reality, before it's too late.
Get legal advice and get rid.

I'd want to leave him tbh.

He's clearly an insecure little man, threatened by your success and desperateto put you down to make himself look better. Why would you stay with someone like that?

What his defence when you argued about it afterwards?

Sometimes I’ve been the higher earner and sometimes my DH has.
It doesn’t matter at the end of the day. We’re a partnership and celebrate each others wins. That’s how it should be.

Ypur DH sounds insecure. I just can’t understand why you let him treat you this way. Or, why his Parents didn’t tell him to stop belittling you??

Can you imagine what he says about you behind your back ?

You earn the big money but chose not to say anything. Now he's been shown up you will be resented. Expect more sniping.

Sounds to me like he can't/won't acknowledge that you are where you are, being the higher earner and he's tryng to convince himself that he's still the bread winner.

Well done you. There is a running joke in my DH and my family that I’m a bit ditzy/clumsy - and I’m okay with it only because they know I’m a member of Mensa, better educated and earn 3x what he does. It’s a joke that doesn’t belittle me because we all know the truth.

I would be fuming if he tried to belittle me without anyone knowing the reality.

“But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

Did he actually fucking say that??

ETA: Sorry, I see someone else had the exact same reaction and you answered.

My God. Insecure doesn't even begin to cover it. Ironically, as well as being mean spirited, shitty and disrespectful, it's also just so... unmanly!

He can certainly fuck off. I hope he is good for something.

I’m confused why his parents have assumed this about you and have never actually questioned what you do before. Also baffled by the fact you’ve let this go on for so many years before you snapped! Your H sounds like a jealous prick.

I think I love you

Well done you for finally putting him in his place. Looking back to when we were both working I always had a higher basic salary than DH but he made more because he worked overtime, even when the children came along. There was a point when my basic was a lot more than his and he got a bit snippy. When challenged he would strenuously deny that he felt ‘upstaged’. But we both knew and he stopped very quickly. Maybe there should be more challenging going on in today’s partnerships/marriages. Men seem to get away with a lot of rubbish behaviour if Mumsnet is anything to go by.

A man who truly loves you, and is confident in himself, would want to tell the world what his wife does and how proud he is.

His dad is a better man than your husband.

but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

I think what you meant to say was they assumed, because your “D”H heavily implied. Not sure you can blame them for this based on what you’ve said.

I’m amazed your marriage has survived being married to an obvious imbecile.

The good thing is given you only have a 'small job' is you won't have to contribute as much money to the family pot. You could spend it on yourself or put it aside for when you need it.

Jesus, what a dick...!

Are there children involved, OP? The longer you stay with this patronising loser, the more spousal support you will have to pay him.