To have snapped and pissed off DH in front of his parents

[JoanJettsBlackheads]

DH becomes like another person when his parents are with us. He was brought up in a very traditional household with his Dad as the breadwinner and his Mum as a SAHM and then housewife (she has never really worked since she got married). In contrast to us, I have always hugely out earned DH, but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth, eg saying that my boss “let me” go to Paris with him to “help” him while he was negotiating a deal. The reality is that I am the main negotiator. DH also likes to portray me as a bit dim, ditsy and clumsy. He was going to town on this when they came over for dinner this week, telling his parents how I’d smashed a bottle of wine (true), left something in a taxi that he’d had to run after to get back (not true), plus a whole list of other things which were embellished. He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

I snapped at that point and said to him “If I’m that fucking stupid, why do I earn five times what you do?” He just sat there not saying anything, his parents made their excuses and left, but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.

We had a huge row when they had left, and he’s now sulking and not speaking to me. I’m not apologising, and he can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. He usually just implies that I have a “little job” and that he is Billy Big Bollocks, and I bite my tongue, but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am. Not sure what I want from this thread or where we go from here but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

She stood up to him. Subtle difference, but an important one. If he felt humiliated that's because of his own actions and his own insecurities.

All OP did was speak the truth, she didn't humiliate him. There's nothing wrong with her earning 5x what he does or telling people this. Nobody should find that humiliating. People's earning power has no relevance to their importance as a person, not for anyone who believes in equality.

He, on the other hand, did deliberately set out to humiliate her, with his constant put downs, belittling and lies.

Those nasty lies of his about how OP is supposedly clumsy and dim but "has other attributes" said in a patronising manner, sounds very much like him insinuating that she's utterly useless but he keeps her around because she's good in bed or because she's pretty or some other male-focussed nonsense.

No way does she owe him perfect manners or polite correction after a comment like that.

The fact you'd have continued to accept it, mildly challenging only the lies and not the behaviour underlying them, doesn't mean OP had to. She did nothing wrong.

If this is a constant in your relationship it sounds like emotional abuse. My ex used to tell me I was useless and put me down privately and in public - hence the ‘ex’.

No, I wouldn't have continued to accept it; I just, ideally, wouldn't have chosen to deal with it with an audience to hear something I knew was playing the same belittling game.

I understand why she snapped - but it WAS a snap.

Absolutely this is abusive.
To belittle you in public, banking on you not wanting to cause a fuss.
The children have left home.
I find it unbelievable that they have borne witness to the petty fathers spectacular disrespect of their successful mother.

OP, have you a daughter?
Is this really what you would want for her.
I have daughters and if I ever heard any man disrespect them in MY hearing, I wouldn't remain silent.
Likewise if either of my boys disrespected their wife like that, they would certainly hear about it from us both.

The arrogance of him to get huffy at you snapping at his appalling humiliation and disrespect of you.

He sounds like covert narcissist.

👏

His parents probably already know he’s full of shit anyway, but good on you for calling it out, I don’t know how you’ve lasted this long being honest! So insecure of him to put you down like this, he should be proud of you like his dad is! Fuck him, let him sulk, he probably feels like the idiot he is right now.

I’d ask him if it would be ok the other way around, if he was the higher earner and you ‘jokingly’ kept it a secret and put him down in front of family !

I would not stand for that treatment. Yanbu. His dad is correct, and probably knows his son acts the big man. I couldn't live a husband like that, he will drag you down your whole life. Dont waste your time with him. You only live once, make sure you are happy. Ditch him!

Have you personally spoke to the OPs husband and had him confirm to you that he doesn't like her? It's a strong and hurtful thing for you to say when for all you know he may love her to bits. I wouldn't necessarily trust the OPs side of the story, why has she never bothered to mention what she does for a living to her in-laws, that doesn't ring too true to me! People don't live in that sort of secrecy from their in laws and let them think "they have a little job" For all you know the OP might be constantly slamming it in his face as to how much she earns and putting him down.

LTB 🫡🖕🏾👌

Well done you have every right to stand up for yourself and call out his bs. Why shouldn't you when he's being disrespectful and insulting you xx

A snap isn't humiliation or belittling. OP spoke only the truth and defended herself from him calling her stupid. That's not "playing his game".

The "audience" as you put it wasn't there as an audience, it was relevant information for them because they were the ones he'd been lying to for years. So why shouldn't they hear it. Why should she downplay what he's been doing. She wasn't saying it to get revenge, but to put the truth out there.

You said you'd say something like "I'm not sure that's true" etc, which is just accepting his bullshit and going along with it, because if you were her in that scenario you'd know damned well what he's saying was an outright lie and that there's no "not sure" about it.

You're so obviously one of those don't air your dirty linen in public type people - that's the mentality abusers use to hide their abuse. OP has been put down by this arse of a husband for years, exposing it to the people he's been lying to was 100% the right thing to do. Abuse thrives on secrecy, getting it out into the open is an important step in dealing with it.

@FlyingCatGirl plenty of "not normal" things become normal when you're being emotionally abused over a long period of time, like has happened to OP.

You're just making shit up now.

If she was constantly "slamming it in his face" she'd have spoken up to her in-laws long before now then!

As for him loving her to bits - you don't treat someone you love the way he treats her. That's the evidence for him not even liking her, never mind loving her - the way he treats her.

This isn't a frigging court where all sides of a story have to be considered, it's a chat forum where we've only ever got one side of the story. If you think she's making the whole post up then don't engage with it, troll hunting is against the rules.

Although I agree with you, I think I’d have nipped it in the bud long ago and not snapped during the parents’ visit. Your husband needs to get a grip…. but you need to control the narrative when it comes to how he treats you, especially in front of other people.

OP - that sounds infuriating and frankly good for you for standing up for yourself even if not in the most graceful way. People usually pick up their underlying values from their parents and his Dad sounds like a good guy, so hopefully he will work out that he was the one being the insecure asshole with time / chatting to his parents.

That is hideous sexism. I don’t think I could put up with that. I’d be divorced in six months. How DARE he

@JoanJettsBlackheads

Good for you!

Totally understand how your tolerance, fuse, just ran out! You’ve expressed previously not liking it when it was lower scale, now he ramped it up and took it too far. He found your boundary!

Can’t believe someone people! Who cares if you’ve posted before about a different job, or for someone else. It’s an anonymous forum… 🙄 Or if you have a second home in Sussex. Sorry for your loss.

I’d take some reflection time to work out what he is adding to your life, what other, if any other ways he albeit subtly, abuses you, treats you badly?

The kids are grown and flown, your financially secure by the sounds of it.

I’d be tempted to talk to the in-laws though, get their sense of it. Or at least FiL.

Don’t rush, give him plenty of reflection time too!

Seek legal advice, maybe consider couples counselling, but yeah, if he’s abusive, not always wise. Separate therapy may be wiser. But he has to be able to accept and acknowledge what he does and that it’s not ok.

Good luck!!

I don't think you are being unreasonable- but you have to take some of the blame, you have allowed your DH to build this myth and you have been complicit in perpetuating it.
You have blown like a pressure cooker when your husband escalated by actually calling you stupid in front of his parents.
You must have realised how insecure your husband is about your job, and you were willing to go along with it- now you know the depth of his insecurity and his inability to acknowledge your achievements, much less be proud of them- you have a decision to make, is it a deal breaker?
Knowing what I do about the male ego it is highly unlikely you will get an apology, and he might even try it again-can you bear that or not, can you love him despite this huge character flaw?

People don’t tend to react well when you put in place boundaries. Don’t back down unless you are happy for him to continue to belittle you. I’d have an honest conversation about supporting you and being your biggest cheerleader-as this is good for both of you financially.

The belittling bit was the "five times your salary bit", and that was the bit I said was playing the same kind of game as the DH plays.

Pointing out she was perfectly competent, wasn't stupid by a long way, had a good job and didn't deserve to be spoken to like that was not belittling in the least - and, to my mind, doesn't even constitute even snapping. You can put someone in their place without it being a "snap."

It was adding the bit about comparing to his salary in a way designed to shame him that I felt was stooping to his level - and I simply don't think that addition was needed. It was only there to make him feel small - which is exactly the odious behaviour he exhibits.

You are correct that I am one of those "airy" people who generally doesn't like to air dirty linen, but that wasn't at all my point in this circumstance.

It was about not needing to stoop to his belittling behaviour in order to rule a line. She could have just said I'm absolutely far from stupid and it's very clear what my "other strengths are" - as demonstrated by the career I hold down. And then I don't think she'd be bothering to even check what we thought because she'd know she'd been fair, reasonable and perfectly dignified.

Also @Whyarepeoplesuchwankers learning to argue and stick up for yourself without personal attack is a skill because it generally gets better results than attacking in response - which tends towards inflaming rather than resolving.

I also come from a traditional household where my dad did well and my mum was a housewife. When we got married I was earning more than DH, and unless I know in general this is a little bit of an issue for many men, he never commented on it nor treated me like this in front of anyone. I don’t think this is a “parents” issue, as your in laws seem reasonable, I think it’s him feeling inferior and trying to prove that he is still “the man” in the relationship, in a very wrong way. He needs to go to therapy.

We've got two other properties apart from the one we live in. Both rented out. We aren't wealthy.

Others inherit properties sometimes which OP has said is the case here. That's not uncommon.

So yes, just you.