For not wanting to contribute to the holiday?

[TwinklyRoseTurtle]

I’m having mixed thoughts on this so would like others opinions please- I’m being vague so not too outing-

A close relative has asked me to contribute towards an expensive holiday for another close relative for a special birthday, but before asking me the had told the other relative it had already been agreed- I was caught off guard when asked in front of the other person and I’ve now found out that I wouldn’t just be paying for my relative- I would also be paying for their gf- for full clarity I would not be going on this holiday, AIBU to not contribute? I feel conflicted as this relative and I are close

As it’s a special bday I would offer slightly more than usual towards it. Say £150 instead of £100. I wouldn’t pay more.

So who will make up the lack of “how generous am I organising this treat” siblings
payment then? Will they take credit for the gift still? Will you be expected to make up the shortfall?

I wouldn't give any more than my usual amoun, as your own dc has a big birthday coming up.

Tell your parents they can spend their money on their child, your brother, and you will spend your money on YOUR child.

I would have said then and there to the parent that they don't get to offer up your finances towards other peoples birthday gifts. I wouldn't contribute on this instance as they will moan regardless of whether you contribute half towards your sibling or nothing at all. I'd get a present that you can afford when it is his actual birthday.

When you tell your parents & brother that you won't be paying, AT NO POINT should the word "Sorry" come into it. You have not done anything wrong and have no reason to apologise for other people's stupidity.

This has really wound me up! How DARE your patents just tell your siblings you’re contributing to their (expensive) birthday holiday, without actually asking you first. Also how did it get to the point where you’re neither actually booked the holiday and you still didn’t know about it?! That’s actually hideous of them. I’d be absolutely livid in your shoes and just wouldn’t be doing it, especially if you can’t afford your own holiday. Not only would I be saying no, I’d be having a strong word with my parents and telling them to never ever put me in that position again. They need to cover your part of the holiday.

I may send a text asking them all to split the cost for both of us

Perfect. Do this.
Book your and DC holiday for dates before your sibling's holiday.

And don't pay over any money for sibling until you have actually received money from everyone for your holiday.

Another great idea.
Get third sibling to pay your share up front and you will pay them back. (It won't happen).

I’d just like to thank you all for your outrage 🤣. If someone posted this as I have as a reader of it I’d be bewildered and say don’t pay, but when it’s you it’s hard to see the situation clearly. I’ve decided to not contribute and just give my brother money for his trip. If my parents bring it up- I will re read this post and give them a very clear how dare you answer

£600 each?? That's crazy. Even if it's a big birthday I wouldn't be spending anywhere close to that on a sibling and why would you be paying for his g/f's holiday as well? Mental

Well done for working through it OP.
I'm always better at solving other people's problems than my own!

A situation you’re personally in can be dealt with just as straightforwardly, but I can appreciate that that is very much dependent on the individual.

It’s worth getting comfortable with awkwardness, rather than seeking to pacify as if you’re the one that’s in the wrong. You’re not the one that’s created the awkwardness, and it’s not your responsibility to either soothe or dispel it. Doing so just lets your parents/siblings know that this is an effective way to get what they want from you.

In situations such as these, those putting you on the spot are counting on your discomfort making you roll over and give in. Ime they’re also the type that find their methods being turned back onto them excruciating. It’s better to deal with it head on.

@InterIgnis - thank you just what I also needed reminded of today as I battle with workmen

@InterIgnis @AbbieLexie

Agreed. As women, we’re conditioned to ensure that nobody around us feels any discomfort. To smoothie things over. Make big compromises. Don’t rock the boat. Men aren’t raised this way.

I’ve realised (decades too late) that
sometimes people just need to sit in their own discomfort, and it is not my job to stop them from being in that discomfort.

I would never be blackmailed or guilt tripped by someone who had spent or promised money without first negotiating a deal with me.

Some time ago my NDN and I agreed we needed a new fence. The arrangement was that she should obtain some costings and then come back to me for a decision. In the event she unilateraly employed some cowboys to put in a patio, and a new fence on her front property, plus a shitty old recycled fence in between. She tried to tell me my share was £600 but no receipts were available. There was no way of telling exactly what part of the expenditure would have been my "share" and I was not going to take her word for it. I told her that unless itemised reciepts on headed paper with a breakdown of all labour and costs (plus vat) was available I would not be paying her anything.

IMO there’s a significant cultural/linguistic element too, for men and women.

I’m not British, and being (what is seen as) direct/‘confrontational’ by British standards is my cultural norm, which I imagine is why I don’t feel the need to ameliorate tension. I had to adapt myself in the other direction when living in the UK (in general. If someone is taking trying to take the piss out of me then I don’t bother). It’s hard, but it can be done.

This is totally out of order. Just give the amount you planned to give as a gift anyway. Don’t feel pressured by this.

You are not obligated to contribute... if someone wants to send someone else on holiday, that is up to them to fund.

My brother is rich as Croesus but would laugh my parents out of the room if they asked him to pay towards my holiday.
What a peculiar scenario!

I would've said i might have contributed if you'd asked but i dont know since you never gave me the choice, but thats a lot of money for me so sorry n all that but you cant spend my money, i no longer want to discuss it

I’m outraged on your behalf. Your parent’s behaviour is completely unacceptable, how dare they! I would have nothing to do with this. Buy your brother a fabulous present from you and get full credit for it.

Ooh! No! Im with the others! Are you in a really good job? Not that mum has the right to 'earmark' £600 of your money. Thats a fortune!!! Just say ,NO!

YANBU at all. Years ago my mother in law called me and said that 'our share' of BIL's big birthday present was £200 and could I transfer it over. No discussion had been had about this at all and I was mightily pissed off. I told her we wouldn't be contributing because we had already bought him a gift. She asked if we could return it. I said no.

£600? I didn’t spend that on DH’s 50th!

Exactly! I don't think I would ever spend that much on a present - and the people I buy presents for would be aghast if I did!

Plus, £600 is only a quarter of the price of this present - £2,400! <faints>