For not wanting to contribute to the holiday?

[TwinklyRoseTurtle]

I’m having mixed thoughts on this so would like others opinions please- I’m being vague so not too outing-

A close relative has asked me to contribute towards an expensive holiday for another close relative for a special birthday, but before asking me the had told the other relative it had already been agreed- I was caught off guard when asked in front of the other person and I’ve now found out that I wouldn’t just be paying for my relative- I would also be paying for their gf- for full clarity I would not be going on this holiday, AIBU to not contribute? I feel conflicted as this relative and I are close

Absolutely ask for contributions to your own holiday. Actually dont, just say no.

I’d say to your parents:

‘Sorry, can’t contribute to the cost of the holiday and had you discussed this prior to telling DB I’d have saved you the embarrassment of now having to explain this to him. However I am happy to put 100 €,£,$’s in a card so DB and GF can enjoy a meal or drinks on me whilst they are away.’

Your child’s milestone birthday is your responsibility to organise just like your siblings milestone birthday is his parents responsibility not yours.

They shouldn't have agreed it before they'd even asked you. Just think of they had asked you beforehand, would you have been okay with it?

If so, i'd probably just say yes that's fine this time but please don't agree before asking me first.

If in anyway I did not want to do this I wouldn't be contributing.

They really should have got your agreement first.

YANBU.

A few years ago, SIL tried to get DH and their other DSis to buy PIL a new car for their milestone anniversary 🙄. Thankfully it was discussed on the family WhatsApp first (PIL are not in it). DH was on unpaid sick leave at the time, so we very quickly declined saying “how kind of you, unfortunately we are not in a position to contribute.” Needless to say she was less keen when she realise we would not be part-funding HER grand gesture!

Just say no, you can’t afford it. Offer to look after their pets while away or something if they have any, to soften the blow.

SIL has done this in the past… DH is crap at organising presents for his parents so that usually falls to me, but on occasion I or DH have asked SIL for ideas and she says she’ll have a think. Then she’ll come back and say I’ve bought XYZ for parents, so can you send me half the money?
But for one she always spends more than us because she has more money and is closer to her parents when we are, so we wouldn’t usually spend that much.
For two she’s been known to buy things like “Worlds best grandparents” before we had kids, or stuff with her kids names on.
Now we just don’t ask her and make sure we’ve bought something before the suggestion of splitting anything might come up.

@TwinklyRoseTurtle please be assertive and say no to this. You are not wealthy and you have a child whose birthday you are saving up for. This is on your sibling and parents to deal with. Do not let yourself get manipulated. 600£ to him and gf is 600£ you are depriving your child of (it might help you to stay firm if you repeat that to yourself).

I’d be tempted to say let the other sibling pay ny share and I’ll pay her back.

I'm so sorry, but your parent needs to fuck right off. Who do they think they are, announcing you'll be spending your money on paying for your brother's girlfriends holiday??

If they want to do these grand gestures then they need to be able to afford the lot. Not spend other people's money and take the credit, and get shitty if you wont fund their plan. You should be asked to contribute what you can afford towards it. And only your brother's part.

Honestly wtf are they even thinking?? Are you a single parent too?

Fuck that! Parent should pay 🤣

That's really unfair, @TwinklyRoseTurtle . It's a lovely idea, but it should have been presented as just that - an idea, and would you be prepared to contribute - not a done deal. It really put you on the spot!

I can see why gf would be included in said gift - a lone holiday wouldn't be the same, but it seems excessive for a 21st. More in keeping with a big anniversary or birthday present for older parents than a young couple ...

Say you have had second thoughts. Its pretty bad these folk have put you in such an awkward position. If you want to give something give say £50.

Why has this come about if you never gives gifts like this? It seems really strange that they would suddenly do this and ask you to pay?

No fucking way. Since when did they get to treat your money and other resources, like head space, as a communal resource? He can pay for his own fucking holiday with his girlfriend, or this generous parent stump up all the cost. Tell them to fuck off. No further discussion. Are you the older sister who's always been expected to put golden boy first? Fucking cheek of them.

It would probably be a no volunteering to pay for something without asking. It would be a big fat no from me if sibling that suggested will probably wriggle out of it.

That's crazy. YANBU. I wouldn't be willing to pay half of that for the sibling, either. They can pay for their own holidays, or your parents can cover it all, if they so choose (but I'd be making mental notes of the disparity in treatment of their various children).

I agree with PP who said to have a word with the flaky sibling who suggested it. There's no need to make life harder for everyone by introducing this type of nonsense.

Just no. What a presumptuous load of wank.

Just no. I have never heard of anyone paying for an expensive holiday for a family member and their GF, unless it was a contribution towards a holiday that you all were going on. It's his 21st, so make a point of buying him a lovely gift in the 100-200 pound range, but no adult needs all of their immediate family to fork out 600 quid each for them. It's not even that important a birthday. It's insane.

Text your parents and flaky sibling and tell them to cover your contribution and you'll cover their contribution to their grandchild's/neice or nephew big birthday holiday. The absolute cheek of it.

'"NO" is a complete sentence.'

"2 parents and 2 siblings expected to pay, my other sibling who apparently came up with the idea, is very flakey and will likely contribute nothing as usual."

Nobody decides how I spend my money, except me. And that is exactly what I would be telling nasty-toned parent and flaky sibling. They want to send Golden Child and his girlfriend on an expensive holiday? Fine, but they are paying, not landing the cost of their grand gesture onto your shoulders. Cheeky Fuckers!

I'm going to take a wild guess and say - this isn't their first rodeo, is it? They've dumped shit on you before, haven't they?

OP, you say in your first post that you're having mixed feelings about this request. But I get the idea you have one feeling only (to say no) and that your hesitation is about this much younger sibling being the favourite and you've got used to this different treatment over the years.

I'm astonished that your parent mentioned this to you in front of your sibling as though it were a foregone conclusion: this speaks volumes. This is a very odd family dynamic.

Your parent is crazy. Who the hell asks fheir kids something like that? Especially when you have a child of your own. Honestly they need a blunt conversation where they are told about themselves.

The only time my sibling has spent that kind of money on me was buying my wedding dress for me as a wedding a gift, which no one asked him to do, and he didn’t have a child either.

I know you were trying not to be too outing but sometimes I think it would be a good thing for the people involved to find these threads and realise just how batshit their behaviour really is!

OP you know YANBU don’t let any amount of guilt or emotional manipulation convince you otherwise

I wouldn’t pay at all, this is nuts.