To say something or should I just drop this re surname

[geminicancerean]

I got married twelve years ago, have been with DH for over twenty years,

When we got married we both kept our names. I don’t think women who change their names are wrong at all, I just couldn’t imagine myself with DH’s surname. I like my name, it links me to my family and my heritage and DH had absolutely no problem with me keeping it so we did. Our kids have DH’s surname, which I don’t mind at all because I grew them in my body and have no insecurity whatsoever about my connection to them. In our unit of four it’s all fine and not an issue at all.

Turns out that to everybody over 60 in our family this is a very Big Deal. For twelve years now I receive mail to ‘Mrs OPfirstname DHsurname’ or, worse, ‘Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname’ - I really don’t like being called this one because mainly IT’S NOT MY FECKING NAME. Before we got married we mentioned that the names wouldn’t change. Everybody knew. Nobody seemed to have an opinion and it was all fine, we thought,

But the wrong name is every single piece of mail we ever receive from PiL and my own DF (DM died before my wedding but was always v on board with me keeping my name as it’s a thing I decided I would do very young). I’ve reminded them once or twice in a v friendly ‘that was so kind, thank you, btw I kept my name when we got married’ but it is ignored over and over and over again.

i cannot be bothered to take it up with the in laws, because I don’t want to get any backs up there but WIBU to ask my own father to call me by my actual name, which is the name he also has?! It can’t be that hard to remember. I recently achieved something very important and DF was so pleased when I sent him the certificate which has MY ACTUAL NAME on it and not the name he has decided that I should be having.

Perspective-wise I have this filed under ‘shit I shouldn’t really have to care about’ but it does hurt quite a bit to see birthday cards addressed to Mrs DH every year. Every year I decide it isn’t worth making a fuss about but it does upset me so WIBU to drop DF a text or something saying ‘Hey DF, do you think you could use my actual legal name, the one you gave me, in correspondence?’ Urgh I know I should probably drop this.

I have this. I roll my eyes every time I get mail from the in laws and then promptly forget about it.

Personally it doesn’t bother me probably because I’ve never mentioned the taking/not taking of my husband’s name, but if it bothers you then say something. If you do and your dad ignores you again, then yeah be pissed off.

I know how you feel because I’m in exactly the same boat. I’ve never done it but I’m tempted to return any more cards addressed to Mr and Mrs [DH surname] to sender. It’s probably not worth the aggravation but it’s massively rude.

Yep, my in laws the same. Anyone on his side of the family.
Been 25 years and i still bristle..
I just ignore

Ignore it. My DS married his wife and changed his name to hers. I am fine with this, his DF (whose surname he previously had) is Not Happy.

But he (XH) is a tosser, so I don't care.

This is what upsets me, because you’re right, it is rude. They know that my name is Mrs Opsurname but they don’t think it should be, so they write Mrs DHsurname because it makes them feel, I don’t know, like they’re restoring some sort of karmic balance that I tipped the wrong way by simply liking, and wanting to keep, my own name. I do think it’s a dig and I don’t think it’s very subtle.

I think you should ignore it because what does it matter in the grand scheme of things? You sound secure in your decision about your name and your children's' names. If anyone addresses something to you in the wrong name, it's their mistake not yours.

My Dad addresses letters to my now husband in my late husband's name! My Dad knows the difference between the two men - he just doesn't pay attention. My husband could be (and would be entitled to be) very offended, but he just laughs it off because he's secure in who he is.

I am strongly in favour of women keeping their name (and giving it to their children) but i would honestly just ignore this. They are old fogies who are not going to change so I wouldn't waste any time thinking about it. (I am not agist I am 60+ myself)

"DF was so pleased when I sent him the certificate which has MY ACTUAL NAME on it"

I don't get it, your dad was pleased that it has your name on it but he also doesn't use your name?

I have this too - exact same situation. Honestly I don’t care and wouldn’t give it headspace. I just think of them as old fuddy duddies who can’t be bothered to get it right. I don’t do anything for them, that’s DH’s problem (arranging visits and presents etc) invariably he forgets. Their loss.

FWIW I throw everything that is addressed to me that way straight in the bin without opening them .
Have done for over 30 years !
This has included a £2000 cheque from my Dad . People being allowed to have the name of their own choosing is THAT important to me . I call other people whatever they prefer but dissolving into being ‘Mrs Husband’s name ‘ to me indicates how secondary so many people still see women .

If people can’t be bothered or worse try to coerce you to be called something that you’ve made clear you really dislike ask them why it matters so much to them to try and force you .Such questioning has produced some pretty grim thoughts about how they see women in my experience…

Same here! I tend to just chunter round the house a bit after they send us anything. I think it’s rude to be honest that they don’t use my name, but I feel like I ought to keep the peace. Also my MIL has gone my mums name wrong for years. So think they just probably don’t listen.

As an aside, I had someone tell me even if I didn’t change my surname, I had to become ‘Mrs’ - she got told in no uncertain terms that I would not be doing that as I hadn’t married my dad 🤣🤣

My name features prominently and is my actual name not the one he writes on cards. So he knows that I’ve kept it and it’s official but he chooses to ignore that over and over again.

I haven’t changed my name either, and endlessly get things with my DH’s surname on.

Our children are hyphenated - and they also broadly just receive things with DH’s surname on. My DD even has a silver item engraved with just DH’s surname…

I just ignore it tbh. I assume they’ve just forgotten rather than aiming to make a point.

Oh I see he was happy about the achievement (congrats btw!) but ignored the name?

Fwiw this would piss me off no end. I would be tempted to "return to sender - not known at this address" but would probably compromise on WhatsApping a photo of the name on the envelope with "who's that?"

Yep…I feel your pain. I’ve been with my partner for 20 years…we’re not even married but STILL relatives on both side put his name only on cards, invites etc …it’s a bit insulting to say the least.

Our son has both our names as double barrelled …but only my partners name is ever on birthday cards addressed to him.

my partner isn’t bothered, but whether I should be or not….I very much am.

I have my own name, I’m not just an extension of the man I live with….

Dad, not sure you've realised but you keep getting my name wrong when you send me post. Can you change it in your address book - my name is Ms G Cancerean.

You could ignore it, and most people probably will tell you to ignore it, but honestly I think you could totally get away with a text! Takes the emotions out of someone feeling embarrassed on the spot. Plus they cant pretend they haven't heard you!

(Not that you should worry about that, its not like the people you mentioned haven't been told your correct name, this isnt a case of 'they assumed, because it was different in their day' which is still rude, but I digress...)

Maybe:

'Hi! Hope you are well - this is such a funny text to be sending, but I've realised lately that a few people thought I changed my name when i got married, i didnt, my name is still xxx, just wanted to clear that up and avoid any embarassment! Looking forward to seeing you xxx'

I wouldn't drop it. They are making a point by ignoring your choice. You need to challenge this - not just for you but for the rest of us women whose choices are not respected, and are expected to conform to patriarchal norms. They count on our silence. Speak!

when people have done this to me, i have just waited until their birthday then addressed it to some random name - so their actual first name, and then a totally random last name.

And if they ever say anything i just blink at them slowly and say "how odd it is to use a name that doesn't belong to someone" and leave it at that.

some of them have doubled down due to that and address post to me as Mrs Husbandsfirstname Husbandslastname - but i just put not known at this address and stick it back in the post.

Others have just continued, and one has realised it twatty. I don't really care that much but i am petty so my "retaliation" amuses me.

I think it rather depends exactly how much it bothers you as to whether you mention it or not.

If you're really annoyed by it, next time you receive something from the person/people at fault take the envelope with you when you visit them and tell them that you've noticed that they're making a mistake with your name, point it out on the envelope and remind them what your actual name is.

It's extremely rude to repeatedly get someone's name wrong. If your MIL was called Margaret and you kept calling her Margo, I'm pretty sure she'd point out your error; maybe you should do that, just to make a point.

It's really nothing to do with being old, I'm 77 and would definitely not get someone's name wrong in this way.

It's probably more about their opinion that married women 'should' take their husband's name - which I suppose is related to their ages to an extent - and they think they're making their point by keep getting your name wrong.

If you tell them every time then maybe, eventually, they'll stop being so damned rude.

Honestly, my Dad is the worst for this too. You'd think he'd be pleased that I kept his family name but he constantly pulls me up on it. I think the only thing you can do is keep correcting him or ignore it. I've gone for just dramatically rolling my eyes whenever he misnames me, and my husband also supports me by also using my surname whenever making bookings (because it's much easier to spell!)

Oh that's next level disrespect. We've had new neighbours move in next door in Summer. I got quite friendly with them and my now ex partner couldn't stand them so barely exchanged two words. At Christmas, they sent a card to "Ex's name and the family".

I’d hate to not have the same name as my children. I’m married. It’s a BIG DEAL for me we are all the same.

I kept my name DH and the children took mine. I am estranged from my father but I kept my name.
To be fair it is important to me and I would lose my shit over the wrong name repeatedly.

It annoys me too. I did actually change my name to DHs but I still absolutely hate people who address things to me as Mrs DH's name Surname. I don't care if you used to do it like that, it's the correct formal way etc etc. I've told them I don't like it and I don't want to see it. In my opinion it's old fashioned and misogynistic and we know better these days. It drives me nuts.

In your case I would say something. Once you let people know it offends you they are being rude by continuing to do it so there is no need to let it go. If they are happy to continue to cause offence it is their problem if you push back.