To say something or should I just drop this re surname

[geminicancerean]

I got married twelve years ago, have been with DH for over twenty years,

When we got married we both kept our names. I don’t think women who change their names are wrong at all, I just couldn’t imagine myself with DH’s surname. I like my name, it links me to my family and my heritage and DH had absolutely no problem with me keeping it so we did. Our kids have DH’s surname, which I don’t mind at all because I grew them in my body and have no insecurity whatsoever about my connection to them. In our unit of four it’s all fine and not an issue at all.

Turns out that to everybody over 60 in our family this is a very Big Deal. For twelve years now I receive mail to ‘Mrs OPfirstname DHsurname’ or, worse, ‘Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname’ - I really don’t like being called this one because mainly IT’S NOT MY FECKING NAME. Before we got married we mentioned that the names wouldn’t change. Everybody knew. Nobody seemed to have an opinion and it was all fine, we thought,

But the wrong name is every single piece of mail we ever receive from PiL and my own DF (DM died before my wedding but was always v on board with me keeping my name as it’s a thing I decided I would do very young). I’ve reminded them once or twice in a v friendly ‘that was so kind, thank you, btw I kept my name when we got married’ but it is ignored over and over and over again.

i cannot be bothered to take it up with the in laws, because I don’t want to get any backs up there but WIBU to ask my own father to call me by my actual name, which is the name he also has?! It can’t be that hard to remember. I recently achieved something very important and DF was so pleased when I sent him the certificate which has MY ACTUAL NAME on it and not the name he has decided that I should be having.

Perspective-wise I have this filed under ‘shit I shouldn’t really have to care about’ but it does hurt quite a bit to see birthday cards addressed to Mrs DH every year. Every year I decide it isn’t worth making a fuss about but it does upset me so WIBU to drop DF a text or something saying ‘Hey DF, do you think you could use my actual legal name, the one you gave me, in correspondence?’ Urgh I know I should probably drop this.

I agree with you OP 100%, it would irritate me hugely.

I’m older now so am more relaxed about things. I’m not sure how I would have reacted when younger, but I may have just ignored it as I wouldn’t have seen these petty minded people as being of any importance whatsoever and wouldn’t have wanted to give them the satisfaction of knowing they were irritating me.

However, I’m thinking that you could perhaps just save any letters that are addressed to you properly with your name on them and then casually leave them in a pile on the coffee table, or in a prominent place that your family are bound to notice when visiting. That will wind them up in exactly the same way that they are trying to do to you. I’d go sneaky on their asses!!!

I'm 60. I kept my name, when I got married over 30 years ago as did most of the women in my social/work circles at the time. Interestingly, at work, the vast majority of the older women retained their name while a reasonable number of the younger ones either changed on marriage or when they had kids.

My bil seems to take it as a personal affront that I didn't change my name so anything he addresses to us is sent to Mr and Mrs Dh Surname (double whammy as I am most definitely not Mrs) or MyFirstName and DhFirstName DhSurname. I really don't get it. I respect the fact his wife changed her name so why not show me the same courtesy?

That would be extremely thick. My parents, who are in their 80's have never had any difficulty in understanding what "I didn't change my name" means.

No don’t do that passive aggressive thing

address it directly

I have this.

i ignore unless it is a cheque in which case I have to ask them to rewrite it,

does piss me off though

Yes, I was being diplomatic.😁

They're ignoring your wishes to do what they want. That's rude and the reason they're doing it is rooted in misogyny.

I'd correct them every time. I'd be really tempted to write not at this address when they sent you mail addressed to the wrong name.

Older family members can be weird! I've been with my partner for over 25 years but we're not married. I've received cards from a few members of my family addressed to me with an imaginary surname that is an attempt on his but spelt incorrectly. This has happened more than once and not the same way so it's not as though they have written it down incorrectly somewhere. They have his email address which includes his surname so they do have it. Either way, it's not my name.

Send letters to them with equally batshit names on the envelope

I am not sure you can pay them in if your account doesn't have the same name....might get away with it if you have double barrelled but not otherwise.

I’ve had this with friends who are the same age, so I don’t think it’s necessary an older person thing. It’s not like I haven’t told them.totally nothing has changed in my name, why are they changing it themselves?!!

I kept my own surname when I got married for two reasons. Firstly because I like it and secondly because I didn’t want to take the surname of DH when MIL and FIL have been vile to us to the point that I am now NC with them.
MIL is fully aware of this yet still sends me a birthday card with the wrong surname and still can’t spell my first name which is a very simple short name.
As the card is clearly not addressed to me and MIL does this out of spite, I don’t bother opening it and give it to DH to return to MIL.
Her narcissistic bullying was unbearable and it took several years before I realised that going NC was the best choice for me.

Funnily enough, I came across some old emails the other day from just after I got married in which I was complaining about this to a friend. I had completely forgotten that my MIL (who I adore btw) kicked up a massive stink about this at the time. Loads of ‘what if you have children?’ comments. I had to say something because she sent parcels to me as Mrs DHSurname that I couldn’t collect from the Post Office as I didn’t have any ID in that name what with it NOT BEING MY NAME.

It seems such a trivial thing but diving deeper into it one finds it makes lots of people feel deeply uncomfortable on some level if a wife doesn’t put herself second to her husband by not taking his name .
That’s why I challenge it .My title fwiw is ‘Dr ‘- if people followed ‘etiquette rules’ my title and name are meant to precede his on envelopes . I tell people this if they give me the ‘proper etiquette’ spiel … We double barrelled ( many years ago ) so our kids would have both of our names & I wanted to share his name too . My husband really didn’t want to at first as he said ‘ people would think he couldn’t control his wife ‘… 🤣

At school in the 1970s, we were taught the correct etiquette for how to address people. On the envelope addressed to a married couple (Janet and John Smith, say), I was taught to write:
"Mr and Mrs John Smith" or
"Mr and Mrs J. Smith" and the letter would begin:
"Dear Mr and Mrs Smith"

However, when I worked in a school office a few years ago, I did things very differently, as I realised that times have changed. If both parents had the same surname I would address the envelope to:
"Mr John Smith and Mrs Janet Smith" or
"Mr J. Smith and Mrs J. Smith" and the letter would begin "Dear Mr and Mrs Smith".

Obviously, it they had different surnames I would use the correct names.

Even so, I still got caught out from time to time. Some married women don't want to be addressed as "Mrs" but prefer "Ms". Some unmarried women want to be "Miss", some "Ms" and a few were calling themselves "Mrs".

It was a bit of a minefield - and I have to admit I did sometimes hanker after the simplicity of yesteryear!

Ex-PIL used to do this to me too. Irritated me no end and it's just plain rude. (I didn't ever do this, but was very tempted to post items back with a 'return to sender. Not known at this address' message on the front of the envelope.)

Same situation here. MIL still refuses to understand that I didn't take DH's name. I've probably lost out on ££££ of birthday and Christmas money over the past 24 years as well as she will only write out cheques addressed to Mrs. DH Surname and the bank would refuse them so I just smile, say thank you and bin the cheque. It's not worth arguing about as she's lovely in all other aspects. Just old fashioned about how things "should" be done.
I feel your pain OP, it's very frustrating, and you're not alone with this one. In my experience, saying something after all this time won't achieve anything I'm afraid.

Oh I’m with you on this OP, it annoys me so much! My ILs and my own bloody DM do the Mrs (DHfirstname DHlastname) as if I’ve been completely erased - it annoys me so much. Why can’t they respect people’s individual choices? It always feels like a sly dig when they know full well I didn’t change my name after marriage.

i cannot be bothered to take it up with the in laws, because I don’t want to get any backs up

And yet they clearly don’t care if they get your back up!

It mattered to you to keep your name. So personally I would not put up with people deliberately calling me by a name which is not mine. It is totally disrespectful and rude.

I would tell them clearly and directly (but not rudely or aggressively) that you would like them to use your actual name and not the name they seem to think you ought to have.

In your shoes I would also expect your DH to have a word with them. You take care of your Dad, but why is he allowing his family to disrespect his wife?

Yours: a member of the older generation, you know, the generation that pushed through much of the important anti-discrimination legislation …..

Pretty simple to address women by their name and use Ms if another title has not been supplied.

That reminds me of my kids' school. Primary school was fine. Everything addressed correctly but I had to explicitly ask for the record to be changed for each of my children separately despite them all being connected in a single family record.

It takes a special type of stupidity/arrogance to transcribe data from a paper form and change someone's name 3 times. They couldn't even use the excuse that it was the first name as I filled in the forms and was the first parent listed on each form.

I also agree with PP it’s an ingrained misogyny which doesn’t get talked about enough, especially at a time when attitudes about so many other gender related issues are being shifted.

I’m in the same boat OP but I just find it mildly irritating.

But it’s not your name!