To say something or should I just drop this re surname

[geminicancerean]

I got married twelve years ago, have been with DH for over twenty years,

When we got married we both kept our names. I don’t think women who change their names are wrong at all, I just couldn’t imagine myself with DH’s surname. I like my name, it links me to my family and my heritage and DH had absolutely no problem with me keeping it so we did. Our kids have DH’s surname, which I don’t mind at all because I grew them in my body and have no insecurity whatsoever about my connection to them. In our unit of four it’s all fine and not an issue at all.

Turns out that to everybody over 60 in our family this is a very Big Deal. For twelve years now I receive mail to ‘Mrs OPfirstname DHsurname’ or, worse, ‘Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname’ - I really don’t like being called this one because mainly IT’S NOT MY FECKING NAME. Before we got married we mentioned that the names wouldn’t change. Everybody knew. Nobody seemed to have an opinion and it was all fine, we thought,

But the wrong name is every single piece of mail we ever receive from PiL and my own DF (DM died before my wedding but was always v on board with me keeping my name as it’s a thing I decided I would do very young). I’ve reminded them once or twice in a v friendly ‘that was so kind, thank you, btw I kept my name when we got married’ but it is ignored over and over and over again.

i cannot be bothered to take it up with the in laws, because I don’t want to get any backs up there but WIBU to ask my own father to call me by my actual name, which is the name he also has?! It can’t be that hard to remember. I recently achieved something very important and DF was so pleased when I sent him the certificate which has MY ACTUAL NAME on it and not the name he has decided that I should be having.

Perspective-wise I have this filed under ‘shit I shouldn’t really have to care about’ but it does hurt quite a bit to see birthday cards addressed to Mrs DH every year. Every year I decide it isn’t worth making a fuss about but it does upset me so WIBU to drop DF a text or something saying ‘Hey DF, do you think you could use my actual legal name, the one you gave me, in correspondence?’ Urgh I know I should probably drop this.

I have had people say this to me over the years but I honestly couldn’t give a fig about sharing a surname with my kids, I feel very much like their mum.

Yeah, I get this too from my dad. I dont care. I do find it funny when pupils find out that im married and start throwing in the odd Mrs Surname but theyre usually just trying it out and get bored after a few days!

I took dh’s surname because I preferred it.

But my DM, time and again, would address everything to Mrs Fred Surname, not even my own first name.
When I objected, she said she’d been ‘proud’ to be addressed as Mrs John Surname. Partly a generational thing of course, she was born in 1918.

I largely avoid all this by addressing anything to couples as Janet and John Bloggs, no titles.

I used to send them back marked 'not known at this address'. It was mostly my pils and my DH found it hilarious. They haven't done it for years now.

This is something I hear and see a lot.
The thing I also have seen is people getting offended when their birth name is used rather than married name.

My cousin thinks my mum has her birth surname, despite having married and taken my dad's name before he was born. Mind you, he can't even spell my first name?!

Yeah, it's annoying. Whichever way round it happens. But other than constantly reminding them it feels like it never sinks in. When they're only sending two cards a year or something.

It's weird that people do this. In my many years of being married to two different men I've never been called Mrs Hisname by anyone who knows me. I would be really annoyed if my dad was doing this, what is his problem?

My partners cousins address things to Mr & Mrs using his surname and have even put me as my first name and his surname and on a wedding table plan and table, my first reaction was err I’ve not got a place at any of the tables. I jokingly said I thought I hadn’t got a place due to my surname not being found on list yet they still send Christmas cards to Mr & Mrs😬

Your husband could have changed his name to yours if it was that much of a BIG DEAL

I just wanted to say I get this too. I didn't change my surname when I got married, yet I get all correspondence from my DH's family addressed to 'Mrs DHlastname'.

What irritates me more, is that our children have double barrelled mylastname-dhlastname and this is also ignored and correspondence is addressed to 'x dhlastname'.

My dad died and they know how important it was for me and my children to continue to have the name 🙁

My son's name is double barrelled. Guess which side of the family simply can't remember.

I have, he told me that wives should take their husbands’ surnames and that I was being silly.

You're not being at all unreasonable OP!

I can't believe this is happening to you. Personally I view it as passive aggressive behaviour on you family's part and I wouldn't be standing for it. I am a stroppy cow and would be sending wrongly addressed mail back to them with "not known at this address" on it.

My own parents, who were very conservative types, were very unhappy at me keeping my own surname when I got married over 30 years ago and made sure I knew their feelings, but they wouldn't have dared mis address any post to me and if they had it would have been nipped in the bud! My MIL had the sense to never express an opinion 😂

Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself and get your DH to back you up.

I took DH's surname. But DM kept addressing letters to me as Mrs DHinitial DHsurname. I didn't change my first name!

I asked her not to do it. She carried on doing it. I asked her again, and she said that was the "correct" way to do it. I said that it wasn't my name, and I would be throwing away any more letters I got that weren't addressed to me.

She knew I would, in fact, throw them away, so she finally started using my own initial on the letters.

It's massively disrespectful to use the wrong name for someone, repeatedly and deliberately. You say you wonder whether you should bring it up with them, but actually I think they're the ones bringing it up with you, every time they misname you.

I get this too from my parents. Birthday cards to Mrs Husband. If they sent a cheque though they'd have to put Miss Myname as all my banking is in that name. It must have pained them to do it.

My in laws were much more on board.

I've also had various people say things like "you choose to be known as Miss Myname but your LEGAL name is Mrs Husband". My response is to look astonished and ask them to show me the act of parliament that makes such a provision, as I'm a solicitor and yet I've never been able to find it because it doesn't exist.

We're not married so have different names anyway, But hilariously in our previous house, our old fashioned and slightly dotty neighbour got to know me first and for the next four years we lived there always called Mr Monkey "Mr mysurname" and didn't change no matter how often we corrected her.

I have this problem specifically from unmarried aunts. Despite having never chosen to marry, unmarried aunts on both sides seem aggressively keen that I ought to use my husband's name.

His surname is an adjective, and I just think it sounds silly with my name. Our son is double-barrelled.

The piece de resistance is receiving things addressed to my husband but his name is spelled incorrectly!

But it was satisfying when the "Mr T" and "Mrs T" from a different aunt showed up - but oh, what a shame, mine was broken... Saved me having to break it myself!

If I had changed my name, I would have the same name as my MIL so once after she sent me a card addressed to Mrs Initial DHsurname I handed it back to her going "oh this came to our house for you". Cue a very long silence.

DH is on the case and has told her multiple times that it's not my name. I ignore the older distant relatives as a harmless error but always correct close family who should know better.

I am with you 100 percent, OP. Getting someone's name right is a very basic courtesy. Intentionally getting it wrong is very rude and disrespectful.

It is only polite to address a person by the name They Have Chosen. If one of my DCs had chosen a different name that would be the name I would use. Anyone can change their name by Deed Poll. I am an oldie and my DH and I talked about names before we married and both chose to have one family name.

you could murder your husband. Widows get to use their own first name.

Those saying just ignore it, what is the thought process behind people who do this?

What is their problem with your actual name and why does it offend them?

Would you just ignore someone calling you Jacqui when your name as Sue?

It’s all very well saying they’re just old fashioned bla bla but what is actually going on in their heads?

Most of ny family (including my gran who was over 100 when she died) manged to get their head around me using my own surname.

My stepdad, however, decided to name me as his executor using my husband's surname. I pointed out his error. "It'll be fine".

Well, what a pita it was trying to deal with his estate when my ID was in one name and the grant of probate etc used another.

Then he's a sexist dinosaur.

I told DP's gran that if she can't send me cards addressed to me, my actual name, id honestly prefer she not send them at all.

It's not a wish sent with love, it's a jibe. A passive aggressive jibe at that. Can't be arsed receiving those.

This would annoy me too. You could always start cheerfully sending him post from you, addressing him as 'Mr' + whatever your mum's maiden name was. Then he can experience how it feels to be called by a surname that isn't one's own.