To say something or should I just drop this re surname

[geminicancerean]

I got married twelve years ago, have been with DH for over twenty years,

When we got married we both kept our names. I don’t think women who change their names are wrong at all, I just couldn’t imagine myself with DH’s surname. I like my name, it links me to my family and my heritage and DH had absolutely no problem with me keeping it so we did. Our kids have DH’s surname, which I don’t mind at all because I grew them in my body and have no insecurity whatsoever about my connection to them. In our unit of four it’s all fine and not an issue at all.

Turns out that to everybody over 60 in our family this is a very Big Deal. For twelve years now I receive mail to ‘Mrs OPfirstname DHsurname’ or, worse, ‘Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname’ - I really don’t like being called this one because mainly IT’S NOT MY FECKING NAME. Before we got married we mentioned that the names wouldn’t change. Everybody knew. Nobody seemed to have an opinion and it was all fine, we thought,

But the wrong name is every single piece of mail we ever receive from PiL and my own DF (DM died before my wedding but was always v on board with me keeping my name as it’s a thing I decided I would do very young). I’ve reminded them once or twice in a v friendly ‘that was so kind, thank you, btw I kept my name when we got married’ but it is ignored over and over and over again.

i cannot be bothered to take it up with the in laws, because I don’t want to get any backs up there but WIBU to ask my own father to call me by my actual name, which is the name he also has?! It can’t be that hard to remember. I recently achieved something very important and DF was so pleased when I sent him the certificate which has MY ACTUAL NAME on it and not the name he has decided that I should be having.

Perspective-wise I have this filed under ‘shit I shouldn’t really have to care about’ but it does hurt quite a bit to see birthday cards addressed to Mrs DH every year. Every year I decide it isn’t worth making a fuss about but it does upset me so WIBU to drop DF a text or something saying ‘Hey DF, do you think you could use my actual legal name, the one you gave me, in correspondence?’ Urgh I know I should probably drop this.

That was exactly as I thought; these are educated, intelligent women. I initially thought they were joking but they were deadly serious.

Hard to call. Some people just outright pretend, but also the general public is capable of truly astonishing levels of stupid when it comes to women's names.

It's your name. You made a conscious decision to keep it. Ask your DF to respect your choice. Nicely. I'm with you on this one btw - wouldn't change my name for anyone. My DS was registered with his Father's name - it was important to him - me? Not a hill I choose to fight on - I know whose son he is.

Makes it more fun if it's getting the ex's back up.

My partner was married before - if I get an invite addressed to Mr & Mrs Thingybobs, I'd be tempted to send his first wife with him. Never happen, but it would be funny. No thanks, I'll keep the name I was given at birth. OMG I've 'caught' feminism again (true quote from the ex as I refused to sit in the back of the car like a spaniel and said I'd drive). Cue eye-rolling.

Why are people saying ignore it? It’s incredibly rude and ignorant. I could understand if people forgot to put a new name however to purposely use a name that you haven’t even said you’ve changed to shows that they think that they know better. It’s incredibly old fashioned. I would be writing back everytime and asking them why they are using an incorrect name. I would tell them it’s insulting and rude and they need to stop it perhaps suggest they are losing their marbles if they can’t even remember your name?

I have this. Married for 25+ years. Anyone who sends me a card with DH’s name is a cunt. I know they are, they know they are. And it means I don’t give a fuck about what they think.

tho I did roast my niece for it. She was very embarrassed.

Marvellous logic.

I will now start addressing all mail to men as MrDWNameDWbirthname

In order to demonstrate that it is entirely equal oops form of address , devoid of any trace of patriarchy.

The annoying thing is, there is only one word. Miss, Ms and Mrs all stand for mistress.

Good point. They are all abbreviations for mistress; Mrs is actually a contraction of “mistress” and at one time was used for both married and unmarried women. The distinction between one for married women and one for unmarried women happened after the contraction came into use and gradually the abbreviation Miss emerged to denote unmarried women.

The idea with Ms is to replace the other two abbreviations for Mistress, which are Mrs and Miss, with one that does not refer to marital status. Ms parallels Mr by taking the first and last letters of the word for the abbreviation.

I’m 69. Married the first time in 1978 - very young and it lasted about 6 months. I hadn’t wanted to change my name and thank goodness that I didn’t. The pain of changing all the documents after 6 months would have been torture.
When I married the second time in 1982, I didn’t change my name. My husband has always been supportive but really ‘got it’ when we had our first son and the baby wore the hospital id bracelet with my surname - until he was registered. He said it felt weird to be called by the staff - Mr Clarafrom HR.
We registered both our sons with their first name, middle name, then my surname and my husband’s surname. Not double barrelled though as my surname is three syllables and so is my husband’s. It would have been ridiculously long.
I have always gone by Ms. I figured if I use Mrs, I might has well have taken his name.
Occasionally we get cards with Mr and Mrs and certainly, we’ve been greeted at events or hotels as Mr and Mrs but I don’t get too annoyed as how are they to know if the booking is in my husband’s surname? I used to get really hacked off though if my MIL did it though as she knew better. Once, my SİL asked, shortly after we were married, don’t you want people to know that you’re married? I honestly couldn’t care less what other people think. I’m very happy to be married and glad the second one ‘took’. I’ve never been bothered that our sons have a different surname.

Technically, I suppose so. But they alll have seperate meanings in common usage. So really we should just use Ms. And we would, if there wasn’t a perception that being married is somehow the pinnacle of women’s achievement.

Do what my mother did until it finally stuck. Send the mail back "Return to Sender "Not known at this.address".

How do you navigate the problem of the cheque written in the married name? Open an account for the purpose or just not cash the cheques?

This is why women need to give kids their own name, not the father’s.

Good on her. Did the senders say anything?

I just don't cash the cheques. The only person who still occasionally writes me cheques in my DH's name is my bio DM, and she needs the money more than I do.

What a palaver about nothing..

Who rattled your cage, shreddieswispa?

It's accepted that a woman will more often than not take her husband's name on marriage, & that letters to her will be addressed in husband's surname & initial. Common practice.
It's not that long since 'Esquire' as dropped from a man's title!

It's also accepted that anyone who is not a dick will not repeatedly call someone by the wrong name despite having been told that it is incorrect.

Which parts of this thread imply it is “accepted”, muesliboost?

Because I absolutely don’t fucking accept it. I won’t ever accept it. How anyone can try and justify that calling anyone by a name they don’t use is “correct” and that expecting the basic respect of being referred to by your actual name isn’t something to be expected (if you have a vagina) in 2026 is absolutely beyond me.

Oh, cocopopsmarsbar is far too cool to care what she gets called.

Funnily enough, many of those who insist on using the wrong name for those of us who didn't change our names get very stroppy if you forget they changed theirs.

I was just about to say the same thing!