To say something or should I just drop this re surname

[geminicancerean]

I got married twelve years ago, have been with DH for over twenty years,

When we got married we both kept our names. I don’t think women who change their names are wrong at all, I just couldn’t imagine myself with DH’s surname. I like my name, it links me to my family and my heritage and DH had absolutely no problem with me keeping it so we did. Our kids have DH’s surname, which I don’t mind at all because I grew them in my body and have no insecurity whatsoever about my connection to them. In our unit of four it’s all fine and not an issue at all.

Turns out that to everybody over 60 in our family this is a very Big Deal. For twelve years now I receive mail to ‘Mrs OPfirstname DHsurname’ or, worse, ‘Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname’ - I really don’t like being called this one because mainly IT’S NOT MY FECKING NAME. Before we got married we mentioned that the names wouldn’t change. Everybody knew. Nobody seemed to have an opinion and it was all fine, we thought,

But the wrong name is every single piece of mail we ever receive from PiL and my own DF (DM died before my wedding but was always v on board with me keeping my name as it’s a thing I decided I would do very young). I’ve reminded them once or twice in a v friendly ‘that was so kind, thank you, btw I kept my name when we got married’ but it is ignored over and over and over again.

i cannot be bothered to take it up with the in laws, because I don’t want to get any backs up there but WIBU to ask my own father to call me by my actual name, which is the name he also has?! It can’t be that hard to remember. I recently achieved something very important and DF was so pleased when I sent him the certificate which has MY ACTUAL NAME on it and not the name he has decided that I should be having.

Perspective-wise I have this filed under ‘shit I shouldn’t really have to care about’ but it does hurt quite a bit to see birthday cards addressed to Mrs DH every year. Every year I decide it isn’t worth making a fuss about but it does upset me so WIBU to drop DF a text or something saying ‘Hey DF, do you think you could use my actual legal name, the one you gave me, in correspondence?’ Urgh I know I should probably drop this.

Every single older member of my family has got my name wrong since forever, when my parents divorced, when I married, when I divorced. It used to wind me up, I cba to care anymore.

Nope, not seeing how your post could have been making that point.

And even if it was, it's not particularly helpful to just tell her everyone is different.

I presume you pointed out that indeed he does not "control his wife", being equals and all! Glad he agreed to double barrel in the end.

The Dr title coming first is interesting, I didn't know that so I'm glad you pointed it out. However it reminded me of a girl I was at school with in the 80s; both her parents were doctors but when school handed out letters to take home hers would have the envelope addressed to Dr and Mrs Khan (not the real surname). She felt affronted for her mum who had actually qualified first and pointed out to school that it should say Dr and Dr Khan but was told "it doesn't look right, dont be so silly". She was fuming and so was I on her mum's behalf!

I think you are absolutely right though that there is an idea that a man changing his name on marriage is emasculating and embarrassing to him. I know a few who went double barrelled but only two who changed their name to their wife's. One because his surname was Gay and he couldn't wait to get rid of it and the other one was called Mark Smith or Mark Jones (can't remember which) and he leapt at the chance of having his wife's much more distinctive surname which was something like Brunswick.

I hate this, it's so rude. I've had the same but I just return them with "not known at this address". Every time. Only one person carried on after the first returned card, and I keep sending them back. If they want to carry on being so petty, so will I.

I have this all the time too. I work in a field where it's helpful to be able to show future clients your previous projects, so while a name change doesn't exactly erase your work history, it does make it less plain to see. So mine was a deliberate professional choice when I got married, and has become more of a principle now. My husband was actively pleased I kept my name because he likes it. My son has my husband's name. I'm absolutely fine with that. Primary school couldn't cope at all with us having different names, so I mostly just got called 'mum' by them, which didn't bother me.

I used to have a problem when DH's family kindly sent cheques for Christmas. For a while my bank would take them in either name, but then after the new money-laundering rules came in they couldn't. I had one very irritating conversation with a bank service desk operative who told me it would just be easier if I changed the name on my bank account to my husband's surname! Fuck that! In the end I had to go back to my husband's 100-year old great aunt and ask her to re-send the cheque. Very awkward.

Why women should have to deal with any of this in the twenty-first century beggars belief. We're not chattels any more...

I did change my name but am also very irritated by things addressed to Mrs DH first name DH last name. As you say, that is not my name, it’s his.

Your big mistake was giving the children your dh’s name. WTF do you mean you don’t mind because you’re not insecure about your connection with them? You mean he is?????

Same. My name has been Initial. Maidenname all my life and preceded by a professional title for over half of it.
I have learned over the last 2 decades that only the passive aggressive people in my life (still) call me “Mrs. B” - which is my MIL’s name - to minimise my identity/achievements. It tells me more about them than it speaks about me. If I’m feeling counter-PA i sometimes still correct it…otherwise it is only about their perceived inadequacy if you’ve made it clear it is offensive?

I’d have to send it back saying no one by that name at this address.

This poem by Meleika Gesa-Fatafehi explains on a deep intellectual level why it can be enraging:

Your big mistake was giving the children your dh’s name. WTF do you mean you don’t mind because you’re not insecure about your connection with them? You mean he is?????

Same here, over 20 years married and 30 together and I still get called by DH name which I never took. My MIL always addresses cards to Mrs DH first &surname and my family Mrs DH surname. I think I was a bit annoyed in the beginning but it doesn’t bother me these days. I think older generations just don’t get it I don’t think they’re being deliberately difficult.

I disagree. I'm 60. Never changed my name. My parents in their 80's had no problem. Even my granny, who would be 125 if she was still alive had no problem with it once she was told.

There are quite a few of us in the older generation that did not take our husbands' names, though. We second wave feminists are all old now, but the movement did pass by a few.

I kept my name when I married over 40 years ago and never had an issue with my family or DH's. I would have definitely spoken up if any of them had treated me the way the OP has been treated.

I hyphenated my name when I married DH. Most of his family address cards to Mr & Mrs DHSurname which is annoying enough but FIL is such a passive aggressive knobhead that he addresses my birthday card solely to my first name because he refuses to use my hyphenated name 🙄

I dare you to send one to them with your MIL's maiden name on and see how they like it in reverse. That would cause some shit though wouldn't it? 🤣 Re your dad I would have thought he'd be chuffed you kept the family name. It would piss me off too though. I hate that people assume me and my partner are married and put mr and mrs on cards to us.

It's really not that hard to ask to be addressed by a certain name and to do it. Once knowing, you use it, having to be reminded, you do it with an apology. To continue to wrongly address is either laziness or and rude.

Elvis it!

A friend of mine kept her ex-H's surname when they divorced as she wanted to have the same surname as their DS. DS grew up and promptly changed his surname to her maiden name, so they have different surnames now. I don't suppose she can be bothered to change her name back to her maiden name now.

It seems to be a real sticking point with the older generation. I wonder if it’s something to do with “etiquette” being drummed in at school- this was the type of thing taught - how to address an envelope, greet a person who was royal etc ( why??)
I am in my 50s and we had an ancient cover teacher whose sole mission seemed to be teaching these rules.
Or it could just be patriarchal conditioning. I agree though it’s extremely annoying!

I’m a pensioner and have been married for almost 40 years. Kept my own name and trust me in those days it was unheard of. I still get cards etc from family addressed to MRS but my own name 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️I’ve even sent pictures of my driving license in the past to show my name but I’ve given up now. I know who I am and other pig ignorant people
can jog on

“The older generation”… Have you ever MET a 1970s feminist????

Or it could just be patriarchal conditioning.

It’s patriarchal conditioning.

Yours, an older generation feminist.

Well I'm 61 and kept my name through two marriages and as a dual national it has significantly reduced my paperwork needs around ID and registering marriages a d divorces etc . But I digress

My ILs addressed all correspondence to Mrs DHlastname until they died a few years ago, which I ignored for 20 years but if my parents had done this I'd definitely have said something.

It's ridiculous in this day and age, in many countries such as Italy where nowadays you are not allowed to change your surname and must keep your birth name even after marriage, it is who you are!