To say something or should I just drop this re surname

[geminicancerean]

I got married twelve years ago, have been with DH for over twenty years,

When we got married we both kept our names. I don’t think women who change their names are wrong at all, I just couldn’t imagine myself with DH’s surname. I like my name, it links me to my family and my heritage and DH had absolutely no problem with me keeping it so we did. Our kids have DH’s surname, which I don’t mind at all because I grew them in my body and have no insecurity whatsoever about my connection to them. In our unit of four it’s all fine and not an issue at all.

Turns out that to everybody over 60 in our family this is a very Big Deal. For twelve years now I receive mail to ‘Mrs OPfirstname DHsurname’ or, worse, ‘Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname’ - I really don’t like being called this one because mainly IT’S NOT MY FECKING NAME. Before we got married we mentioned that the names wouldn’t change. Everybody knew. Nobody seemed to have an opinion and it was all fine, we thought,

But the wrong name is every single piece of mail we ever receive from PiL and my own DF (DM died before my wedding but was always v on board with me keeping my name as it’s a thing I decided I would do very young). I’ve reminded them once or twice in a v friendly ‘that was so kind, thank you, btw I kept my name when we got married’ but it is ignored over and over and over again.

i cannot be bothered to take it up with the in laws, because I don’t want to get any backs up there but WIBU to ask my own father to call me by my actual name, which is the name he also has?! It can’t be that hard to remember. I recently achieved something very important and DF was so pleased when I sent him the certificate which has MY ACTUAL NAME on it and not the name he has decided that I should be having.

Perspective-wise I have this filed under ‘shit I shouldn’t really have to care about’ but it does hurt quite a bit to see birthday cards addressed to Mrs DH every year. Every year I decide it isn’t worth making a fuss about but it does upset me so WIBU to drop DF a text or something saying ‘Hey DF, do you think you could use my actual legal name, the one you gave me, in correspondence?’ Urgh I know I should probably drop this.

She died and he lives with his partner now so that would be… weird.

People are still posting things?

I had this from my own parents - my in laws were fine (well I suspect they didn't really get it but were polite enough to use the name I wanted). I did ask my parents not to but my mother told me she knew how to properly address a married woman (Mrs DHFirstname DHSurname apparently)! eventually they would send me parcels to my workplace as it was safer/easier and I explained to them that any parcel addressed to Pallisers DHSurname would be returned as work wouldn't know who the hell that was. They gave up then.

My parents would be nearly 100 if alive. I'm nearly over 60 myself - age is no excuse really. So I would politely ask my dad to please stop using the wrong name. If he doesn't I'd just let it go - maybe tease him about it or something. Unfortunately you can't change people just your reaction to them.

So send him letters addressed to his name partner's surname.

I understand! I'm in a similar position and it pisses me off so much. I double barrelled (and so did our kids) yet everyone and their dog addresses us by my husband's surname. I think I'll do as someone else suggested and start saying thanks for card/gift/whatever and casually mention the name!

In fact, come to think about it, EVERYONE drops my name (it's first) when they don't know me like if I'm being called for an appointment. Which I don't understand, you'd think they'd drop the second name (or just say both because it's hyphenated!). I've actually seriously considered going back to my maiden name, it's caused no end of confusion.

I'm also in this situation.

I have two DMs. Adoptive DM gets my surname right but is constantly apologising (to relatives, bank managers, etc.) for my apparently eccentric choice. But that's OK. We can agree to disagree.

Bio DM gets it wrong every single time. I've stopped asking for replacement birthday cheques and now just chuck them out. Maybe she thinks I'm mistaken about my own name. It drives me nuts.

wish id been like this - I took the burden of doing everything for my inlays

Honestly, this has made me so angry on your behalf. It's not just rude, it's misogynistic and dismissive of your values and principles. The lack of respect shown to you by your own father and in laws is astonishing.

I never want to get married, but if for some bizarre reason I did, there is no way on earth I would change my name. If people deliberately and maliciously called me by the wrong name, after requesting them not to do so, if they continued to go against my expressed wishes, I wouldn't have anything to do with them.

My parents are, say, John & Anne Smith, I'm Jessica Smith.
The correct, but old-fashioned, way to address a letter to Mum is "Mrs.J.Smith"
not Mrs.A.Smith.

So DM used to open letters addressed to Miss J. Smith on the basis that the "Miss" was meant to be "Mrs". Effing cow.

As a married woman, you can keep your own name and give the children your own name, or double barrel with husband's name for fairness.

I feel much less alone as a result of this thread so thanks all for sharing your stories with me.

I don’t get enough post for this to annoy me.

When I got back from my honeymoon they had changed the nameplate on my office door, they had to change it back :)

I have this too. I just think ggrrrrr when a letter arrives then forget it. I don't think I'd be binning any cheques 😄

Children, adults now, also have Dh' s surname. I felt it was more important to him than me at the time, but I regret that now.

Yes, protest. Keep protesting. They're being thick.

I'm not married (although have been together 20 years) and yet get cards addressed to Mrs HisName from my SIL 😂🤦

Wow!! That's incredible, in a workplace as well. It's really common for a woman to keep a professional name even if she chooses to change it in her private life.

It shows a lack of respect. When my son got married I asked my DIL what name she’d go by. Not because we’re precious about her taking my son’s name but wanted to get it.

How annoying. I’d be so petty and every time I would return. I’d even be that petty and put their address on the back and return to sender with the name crossed out on the front saying, not known at this address! Every single time. They know what your name is

I know this will come as a terrible shock to you but people are different and not everyone thinks/feels the same as you do.

Exactly. That’s what my DIL did.

I'd pick a date, probably about 1 month before my birthday, and start calling my dad other names. 'Oh, hi, uncle John. How nice that you've called.' Then I'd point out that apparently being called the wrong name doesn't matter in this family, but if he was willing to use my actual name, you know, the one he gave me, then I'm sure I could change my understanding of name expectations. I would do it every time I spoke to him until/unless he sent me a birthday card with my actual name.

Well in that case I'd address correspondence to him as Mr NewPartnersSurname and when he questions it as he will then tell him you are just joining in the family fun of using the wrong name. You asked/told him directly so now its passive aggressive for the win

The devil in me would mark it “return to sender” and put it back in the post box

they’d soon stop doing it

Are you sure they're not just a bit thick, and confused by these things?

They might be thinking, "Yes, we know she kept her own name, but because we're sending things by post, you know, officially it ought to be the husband's name."