To say something or should I just drop this re surname

[geminicancerean]

I got married twelve years ago, have been with DH for over twenty years,

When we got married we both kept our names. I don’t think women who change their names are wrong at all, I just couldn’t imagine myself with DH’s surname. I like my name, it links me to my family and my heritage and DH had absolutely no problem with me keeping it so we did. Our kids have DH’s surname, which I don’t mind at all because I grew them in my body and have no insecurity whatsoever about my connection to them. In our unit of four it’s all fine and not an issue at all.

Turns out that to everybody over 60 in our family this is a very Big Deal. For twelve years now I receive mail to ‘Mrs OPfirstname DHsurname’ or, worse, ‘Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname’ - I really don’t like being called this one because mainly IT’S NOT MY FECKING NAME. Before we got married we mentioned that the names wouldn’t change. Everybody knew. Nobody seemed to have an opinion and it was all fine, we thought,

But the wrong name is every single piece of mail we ever receive from PiL and my own DF (DM died before my wedding but was always v on board with me keeping my name as it’s a thing I decided I would do very young). I’ve reminded them once or twice in a v friendly ‘that was so kind, thank you, btw I kept my name when we got married’ but it is ignored over and over and over again.

i cannot be bothered to take it up with the in laws, because I don’t want to get any backs up there but WIBU to ask my own father to call me by my actual name, which is the name he also has?! It can’t be that hard to remember. I recently achieved something very important and DF was so pleased when I sent him the certificate which has MY ACTUAL NAME on it and not the name he has decided that I should be having.

Perspective-wise I have this filed under ‘shit I shouldn’t really have to care about’ but it does hurt quite a bit to see birthday cards addressed to Mrs DH every year. Every year I decide it isn’t worth making a fuss about but it does upset me so WIBU to drop DF a text or something saying ‘Hey DF, do you think you could use my actual legal name, the one you gave me, in correspondence?’ Urgh I know I should probably drop this.

I have the opposite. My SIL sends me a birthday card/present every year addressed to my maiden name! I’ve been married to her brother for nearly 20 and she knows I took my husband’s surname (and the same surname to her!)

We honestly get on really really well, so I don’t understand why she does it.

Every year it upsets/annoys me but I bite my tongue because it’s not worth causing a fuss over. But it does sting for some reason.

Well I’m 71 and when I married a second time I just kept my first marriage surname because I couldn’t be arsed to change it. Two of my school friends have done the same.
So not all ‘old people’ think the same.

Addressing you as Mrs DH first name and surname is a very traditional way of doing things. We often receive wedding invitations addressed Mr & Mrs DH first and DH surname.

However, people who know you well and are fully aware of you keeping your surname should absolutely make the effort to address you properly. It’s very rude not to.

I think you should raise it and keep raising it until they get it right.

I didn’t change my name - I get Christmas cards addressed to everything under the sun, because I never made a big fuss about it. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
Official mail (utilities, banks etc) just use my actual name.
It can be useful with cold calls and I can just say No, I’m not Mrs XYZ and put the phone down.

Th kids got both surnames (and no middle names) to deal with that in my case.

Yep that would annoy me. I’d probably have to say something, but they sound quite determined!

We’re not married and no names have been changed - DC double-barrelled.

20+ years for me and the same issue. I send them back “unknown at this address”.

I had this in my first marriage and it pissed me off no end. The MIL told me that I could be Dr Myname at work but "of course" had to be Mrs Hisname in my personal life.

I ignored her completely but she would bring it up a lot and she always addressed things to Mrs Hisname (this was before the internet and we lived in a different country to her so letters were actually sent in the snail post). She was a silly and lazy woman who did nothing but sit and order servants around, and she derived her whole identity from the fact that her husband was the town's doctor, but she was always opining on something or other, including this.

In my second marriage I have no in-laws as they were dead before I came on the scene, so it doesn't arise. (He has sisters but I don't think they care one way or another and have never said anything).

BTW, I am in my sixties, so it's not just a generational "over 60" thing. I would never have contemplated taking a man's name. I have however given DS DH's surname as he is named after the man (first name too) and it just seemed right.

My best friend gave her DCs her own surname, and good thing really as they are both completely estranged from their arsehole of a father now!

It’s a very sexist way of doing things.

I think it is the height of rudeness to call someone by a name other than the one they use. The assumption is almost always only made of women. Fuck that shit.

I’ve reminded them once or twice in a v friendly ‘that was so kind, thank you, btw I kept my name when we got married’

If you're being nicey-nicey when you mention it, it could be that they simply don't know/understand how much it's affecting you.

If it's bothering you that much, sit down and have a serious chat about it.

I would expect my partner to deal with his side of the family in your situation.

While I voted yanbu, because I'm quite sure you're not, I do have reservations about your aging relatives.

I was born in 1950, so a teenager in the late 60s/early 70s, a time of great social upheaval, and feminism was not a strange concept to most of us at all.

Indeed, when I married in the late 70s I chose not to change my surname and so did my husband. No body batted an eyelid. It wasn't that uncommon.

so I'm a little shocked that somehow this quite normal situation is not accepted by people 10 or so years younger than me.

perhaps it's representative of only your and your husbands families?

I certainly hope do.

We've been married nearly 30 years, dh is Mr Hisname, I'm Ms Myname, and ds is Mr Myname-Hisname. And we still get things addressed to Mr+Mrs Hisname or to Mrs C Hisname. I think expecting people to use the name I've had for 54 years and the honorative I have used exclusively for 51 isn't very much to ask

I love that if my DH goes to the vet he is called MrNotWaving because our pets are registered under my surname. If it was the other way round, however, I would definitely be setting them straight.

I could have written your post. The first time I received a Christmas card to mr & mrs DH I thought it was a card for my pils. All my documents, Facebook are in my name, work etc but still it continues.

I decided to keep my ex's surname after we divorced because I wanted the same surname as my kid. It's an important part of my identity. Keeping your maiden name is clearly an important part of yours and it's not being respected.

Get them all telt. Being over 60 is not an acceptable excuse. ✊

Could you make him a copy of your certificate and put it in a frame so he can put it on his wall to help him remember?

I’d be tempted to try sending your dad’s birthday card to Mr Dmumaidenname or Mr DHSurname and if he comments say “oh sorry, you always get mine wrong so I hadn’t realised it was an issue”

Ha, my point exactly, in response to the OP.

That would annoy the shit out of me. But I’m the type that would mention it until they stop.

I'm not sure whether you've told him he's being an old fashioned arse?

You aren't being unreasonable but it probably isn't worth your energy to fight it, though I completely understand why you would.

I'd be tempted to mark any letter "nobody of that name at this address" and pop it back in the post box with his return address on the back.

I kept my name when I married in the 90s, OP. My paternal grandmother always wrote to me as Rawbloomers [DHSurname]. But everyone else was good. My Grandmother was in her 80s already and I just let it go. I couldn't feel bad about it because she genuinely thought I should be glad. She had my father "out of wedlock" and was massively shamed for it. I think she just wanted for me what she thought (and was probably right in her circumstances) would have made her life far better.

But if my dad had done it, it would have been more of chauvanistic - of course women should give up their names, how would a man feel if his wife wouldn't do that? And I would have had a fit at him. If he still continued I'd start referring to him as HisFirstName DH'sLastName (or possibly my mum's maiden name). But probably not that often because it would really put me off talking to him. He's being disrespectful and pretty contemptuous.

Your PiL are being equally rude and contemptuous, but I can understand why you are less bothered by that. Personally, I would still be pretty cold towards them because of it, though, and not want them having much influence over kids.

Yes. And everyone is different. That’s not the point of this thread. But If it’s such a big deal to you why didn’t your husband take your name, and your kids yours not his?

That’s why this is contentious; because those who do all want to have the same family name are almost always expected to take the man’s or hyphenate.

My poor MIL asked how I was getting on changing all my documents to my new name just after we got married. I told her I wasn't changing my name and it turns out she genuinely, genuinely didn't know that was an option (she was a bit sheltered). That made sense because she'd been married twice and taken on some hideous names that went so badly with hers - I imagined I could see the cogs going and her realising she hadn't had to be Mrs Mouldie or Mrs Glasscock all those years.

Yes, there are people who are that ignorant, or thick I suppose.

I married two years ago after being together for thirty years. I actually had a bit of a set too with one of my immediate family who thought that it was the law that women changed their names to their husbands on marriage. She was convinced that I was breaking the law by staying me.

Before DH and I got married, my own mother sent Christmas Cards addressed to, without naming names obvs-

Mr Bob Jones and Sally.

I was an "and"?! 🙄