AIBU to give up an £80,000 job to work part time school hours?

[fieldmouse231]

We live in London and have a one-year-old DS. I earn more than my husband (c.£30k more) and work for a supportive company where I can WFH three days a week; my commute is 50 minutes. I’m back at work full time, earn £80k, quite enjoy my job and am well regarded, but I’m not especially career-motivated.

Our son is in nursery. I do pick-ups and drop-offs four days a week as my husband has a 90-minute commute, long hours (construction industry) and needs to be in the office four days a week.

We have a small mortgage for London (c.£800pcm) and over £100k in savings between us.

We’re planning a second child and I’d really like to take a step back after my second maternity leave (if we’re lucky enough to have another). Ideally I’d work part-time around school hours so I could manage drop-offs and pick-ups, and potentially spend 2–3 days a week caring for the children before they start school.

We’d also love to move out of London for more space and a countryside lifestyle — currently considering Bath. This would likely mean giving up my current job or having a very long commute. My husband is very career-motivated (this is a second career for him) and keen to progress; his work is project-based and may involve staying away three nights a week depending on location.

I don’t want to stop working entirely — it’s important for my identity and self-confidence — but equally I feel strongly about being present for my children and running our household.

AIBU to give up my £80k job and (inevitably) take a much lower-paid role to prioritise time with my children and family life?

@ShetlandishMum she worked 8am- 3pm term time only and obviously only got paid term time

Practice your on paper reduced income budget for 3 months i.e. give yourselfs £3k as opposed to £5k a month or whatever it works out.

Put the diffrrence straight to savings on pay day and have a rule that you can't touch it.

See what living on the reduced amoubt is truely like in reality.

Bath isn’t cheap and it’s not an easy access to major road networks. It’s a beautiful city and rail network is good but the A roads from the M4 is very rural and not dual carriageway.
Worcestershire is popular with people relocating from London. Good access to motorways and train links to Birmingham and London are very good.

Gloucestershire also very good but can be expensive because most of the county likes to think they are Cotswolds.

If you move to a rural location then you need to factor in the cost of running two decent cars. Public transport is often non-existent, parking in Bath, for example is very expensive and since you will need to travel for everything fuel costs can be high. Electric cars are pretty useless because the charging network reflects the population density.

I live rurally and although close to our nearest town, 30min walk, there are no pavements and the road is single track in places so it is just not safe to walk. At night there are no street lights so even more hazardous.

The good news is that we have lots of Waitroses and supermarkets run a busy delivery service.

It does seem to be a idillic lifestyle choice but there is much more planning involved in day to day life. Choice of school is limited unless you are prepared to travel. DS went through private system and the school run was a 20mile round trip. Senior school had a bus service but we still had to drive 3 miles to the pick up point. If we slept in then I often had a hair raising drive through the lanes to get ahead of the bus or ended up stuck in traffic and late for work.

We do walk straight out onto fields and woodland to walk the dog but in the winter it’s wet, muddy and miserable. The wildlife, although lovely, can be noisy at night and cause thousands of pounds of damage if you hit them. DS had a deer jump out in front of him last year which caused £3k of damage. Even a humble rabbit can cause damage.

Crime rates are not much better. It’s often different types of crime, isolated houses are easy targets. You definitely need a decent sized dog and sophisticated alarm systems.

Before taking the step do plenty of research. Flood history is essential. A pretty house by the river may look like a bargain but in the middle of winter when you find a foot of water in your kitchen it can be a shock. Generally look for houses that are at the same height or above the local church. There is only one church whose graveyard famously floods and that’s in Gloucestershire. Our forebears were aware of contamination from graveyards so made sure they never flooded. And never underestimate the pretty little stream in the garden or a house situated at the bottom of a hill.

Finally rural housing often has overland power supply that are prone to damage. We once had a 2 day power cut after a local bull decided to use the high tension power post as a back scratcher and brought it down. The system tried to reset and each time a further section of cable arced and failed.

I would say having worked a range of jobs from min wage to quite good, don't think a PT low wage job is less stressful. Often the more control you have, the less stress you have and don't rely on finding a job that suits.

I'd be heavily negotiating with your current employers.

I find this thread rather sad.

So many people focusing on money only but forgetting that kids will definitely benefit from having more time with their parents when they are babies/toddlers and that the OP would have a better quality of life with a part time job.

OP If I were you I would choose a less expensive place to move to so you could have a smaller mortgage or no mortgage at all. Then I would try to see whether your current workplace will let you go part time and remote or at least hybrid. If not then accept you will have to find a new role.

I know.

It would be madness to go from a good £80k job full time to be a TA on 30 hours a week (ok not in the school holidays but still..) with no room for school runs anyway.
It's even more bonkers to think you can return to the nice job after 5 years out as a TA.

I can't see any sense doing it and how tou pay a morgage on it in Bath.

But of course we should always do ourselves.

Your children will only ever be young once - if you’re in a position to- go for it!! You’ll never have the chance again

100% don't do it. You have a good job, that's flexible and pays well and crucially, you enjoy it. It's also a very tough market right now.

You don't have the second child yet either. Bath is really expensive, London type prices. I think you're thinking the grass is greener and it isn't always.

I speak as someone who worked FTOTH while my children were small and I'm glad I did, it meant we had a lovely life while they were growing up and still do now.

Also, they don't get cheaper, kids! Even if you don't pay school fees (we did) or childcare (we did, we both worked FT) if your child /ren go to university it will cost a lot - student loans are rarely enough to live on so most parents top up. For us, I think it cost about £12k per year for 1 child and we have more than one. And that's out of taxed income. Yes your kids could be made to work etc but the reality is that many parents pay a lot towards uni.

I think a PP said make your life as nice as you can make it right now, use your income to make it as good and easy as possible and I agree with that.

I also found being at home with small children pretty boring - you may not, obvs - but you don't want to look back after 2 years of being at home and think "what was I thinking?" I know people say "you can't get that time back" - no, you can't but for me, I didn't want it back thank you! Good luck whatever you decide.

It's quite sad isn't it. Even though she earns almost double of what he earns it's still somehow a given that she will cut her salary by probably as much as 75% and her pension by even more so that he can continue his job. If anything, it would make much more sense for him to work part-time from a family perspective and he can then support OP more.

I moved to 3 days a week and took a pay cut from £80k to £35K. Best thing I ever did as I had young kids and my dad was also very unwell and I was helping my mum. I now do the same role, with a promotion and slightly more responsibilities but work full time and earn just under six figures.

Apart from that short period I have always been the higher earner.

Sleepwalk into what? A great job AND a balanced life?

I'd do it, as long as I was confident I would have access to the money DH earns. Children are only young for a few years but we work for many, many more years. A few years slowing down in your career isn't going to be hugely detrimental. If being present at home is your priority, be present at home.

I think the issue is that your DH isn’t helping you enough especially considering you are both full time and you are the higher earner.

You say it’s because he has the longer commute. Which I get but then he needs to step up in other ways to make it easier for you. Full time work and doing all the drops offs and pick ups is hard. Do you split the cooking/cleaning/laundry etc?

The most sensible solution would be to take a decent second maternity. Then go part time for a while at your existing work. As it all gets even more of a juggle with 2. Ideally the DH would step up…but if he’s not going to…

Other idea would be just get more help. Would a childminder or nanny be easier. Or pay soemone to do a few of the pick ups and drop offs. Get a cleaner and a gardener.

I always say this on these threads
But I think it’s worth saying
IME ,having seen so many people do it ,it is do easy for women to give up a job when they have children,and so difficult to get back at the same level later on
I might in your circumstances try going part time in your current job, take your next mat leave and see how you feel then
I worked 3 days until my youngest went to school and then built up ,fairly slowly to full time
More or less at the level I would have at if I had not gone part time/ had children

Oh and I think as someone else might have said, the more senior you are the easier it is to negotiate leaving for school plays, parents evenings etc. Minimum wage jobs are really not always low stress and don't underestimate the autonomy and freedom that comes with seniority. It's really valuable when bringing up children.

I wouldn't, no.

You already have a set up most people are striving for - you have £80K income and good career prospects, a mortgage that's more than affordable, ability to save, flexibility and WFH 3 days per week.

People on here are always absolutely adamant that in their particular industry they could waltz right back into a good paying role if it went pear shaped, but I honestly haven't met many at all in the real world where this is at all true (except teachers). You have to factor in the loss of pension over these years, which on £80Kpa would be a good amount currently. It seems odd for you to step back when you're the bigger earner too - I know you say DH has good trajectory and is career focused, but right now the reality is you are the breadwinner in this set up.

I'd stay at your current role, but look to drop to 4 days if you really want to. I'd spread that over 5 days and work condensed hours. Also, on WFH days you'll likely be able to squeeze in drop off for school run and stuff anyway. It probably feels a bigger issue now as your DC is only 1yr.

In particular, the red flag for me is moving out to Bath and then DH needing to be away 3 nights a week. Regardless of working or not, you'll be busy doing absolutely everything for the kids. I'd do anything to avoid that scenario and would try and find a relocation area where DH could be home each night.

That’s a good idea 👍

I really really wouldn't. It is likely that you would find it hard to get back into work at the same level after several years of very PT work. Right now it feels ideal. As the children grow up, it won't.

Long term - you'd be far more reliant on your husband. Men can get weird about it being their money, and hugely under-appreciate the financial value to family of women sacrificing their own careers. Life might be fine now, but in twenty years time, if you divorced, you don't want to be scrabbling around on less than half the salary you earned two decades ago.

Children get more expensive. Young adults need money: driving lessons, uni fees, house deposits, a bit of a cushion while they try to get onto the career ladder.

In retirement, you will feel way safer if you have a good pension. Houses won't keep going up and up in value because younger people can't afford them.

I just...wouldn't. You have such a good work life balance right now, taking DC to and from nursery 4 times a week, WFH so often etc. Do not make the mistake so many high earners make, of thinking lower paid jobs ask less of you. You could be racing around, stressed to your eyeballs, earning peanuts.

So why doesn’t the OP’s husband who earns nearly 50% less than her take the reins with childcare and go PT or quit for his family? Why is the OP the one doing the sacrificing? Oh yeah: patriarchy.

I wouldn't be so sure a low paid stressful TA job is a better quality life in Bath, tbh. Yes, 15 years ago or so. Yes. Agree. Today. No.

Yes - I had the same dilemma but stuck at working full time, and I'm so thankful I didn't drop out of the job market (I'm an older mum) because my career really went well although it was hard work. I'm so glad I kept at it.

I remember a thread from about a week ago on here of a poster who had been a SAHM for 15 years and wanted a WFH role for £50k a year. It’s mind-boggling. These jobs don’t just fall from the sky.

It’s not a given, this is something I’m considering because I personally want to spend time with my young child. My husband is supportive of me considering this, not asking/wanting me to do it.

Appreciate your comments are valid though - definitely need to keep this perspective in mind.

A few years slowing down in your career isn't going to be hugely detrimental.

If the OP is in a competitive, fast moving career then it actually could be hugely detrimental. Nobody is going to hang around waiting for her to decide she's happy to go back to work. Which doesn't mean that it may be the wrong choice, depending on the OP's priorities, but let's not pretend that 'a few years slowing down' isn't going to have negative effects on her career.

Perhaps the OP would rather be the one at home. I certainly preferred it that way!

What is about it that is tempting you? That would be interesting to know.