AIBU to give up an £80,000 job to work part time school hours?

[fieldmouse231]

We live in London and have a one-year-old DS. I earn more than my husband (c.£30k more) and work for a supportive company where I can WFH three days a week; my commute is 50 minutes. I’m back at work full time, earn £80k, quite enjoy my job and am well regarded, but I’m not especially career-motivated.

Our son is in nursery. I do pick-ups and drop-offs four days a week as my husband has a 90-minute commute, long hours (construction industry) and needs to be in the office four days a week.

We have a small mortgage for London (c.£800pcm) and over £100k in savings between us.

We’re planning a second child and I’d really like to take a step back after my second maternity leave (if we’re lucky enough to have another). Ideally I’d work part-time around school hours so I could manage drop-offs and pick-ups, and potentially spend 2–3 days a week caring for the children before they start school.

We’d also love to move out of London for more space and a countryside lifestyle — currently considering Bath. This would likely mean giving up my current job or having a very long commute. My husband is very career-motivated (this is a second career for him) and keen to progress; his work is project-based and may involve staying away three nights a week depending on location.

I don’t want to stop working entirely — it’s important for my identity and self-confidence — but equally I feel strongly about being present for my children and running our household.

AIBU to give up my £80k job and (inevitably) take a much lower-paid role to prioritise time with my children and family life?

No shit Sherlock

WELL THAT MAKES QUITE A DIFFERENCE, WOULDN'T YOU THINK?

To be fair, I helped someone get a career job once who had over a decade in the home not working in any paid employment and definitely used all of their skills in the home in writing an app that got them the job.

However... it was not a job going straight in at the sort of level they could have been at had they worked all that time. And they had been in a professional career previously which we could use in the application to her advantage. It was a job that ultimately she has had to start at the bottom of and work up.

You do you...

Yes I'll do me. Giving good advice and not trading in hyperbole and manufactured outrage.

What would you do? Similar but with less hours - is that even possible?
Working school hours is the holy grail, but the only ones I know who do that are on not much above minimum wage working in an actual school. Also you DH, maybe wait until he has a promotion/step up? Is he likely to do that in the next year or so?
Timing: if you do decide to step back are you going to wait until you are actually pregnant? That sounds sensible and maybe you can save a bit as a cushion.

Btw, I would also add that our adult children have said they weren't affected by us both working FTOTH other than they acknowledge they had a lovely life and childhood because we were in a good position financially.

By that I mean we lived in a nice house, went on great holidays, ate decent food, they went through private schools and were able to go on school trips, they didn't have to work at university and we've also been able to help launch them into adulthood by helping financially. We haven't ever had to scrimp and if you've been earning well for a while you won't be having to at the moment either. You have a small baby and it will only get more expensive! Sorry, but it will.

My daughter tells me she's proud of me and that she loves knowing that if dh and I split up (not likely so far) that I can support myself. She's said I'm a good role model. She might have said that had I been a SAHM of course but I wasn't.

I think you need to do what's right for you so I'm only sharing in case it's helpful, feel free to ignore me! I do like being on the other side of my decision and seeing that I've raised lovely adults though.

This is very much dependent on the individual. I loved having more time with my kids especially when they were small. For me this was worth the hit to my career. I couldn’t cope working full time. I have friends who are very ambitious and would hate the thoughts of bringing their toddlers to playgroup instead of working and would not have enjoyed it and would not have been at their best if they did it.

So even if there was definitive research saying kids of mum’s who work full time do better - it still wouldn’t have been my choice.

The OP talks a lot about being able to walk back into X, Y, Z in her posts. Or being a speech therapist. Or a TA. Or working in admin. And the point is that it is not possible to walk back into any career these days (if it ever was). It’s not manufactured outrage to say that it might be a good idea to think about all the repercussions before making such a big decision, and using examples is a good way to do that.

I'm part time and do the school pickup/after school a couple of times a week, I always think it's going to be magical but my kids are grumpy and tired and just want to watch TV! In some ways I'm not sure it's easier. I have a friend who is FT with grandparent help daily for after school and they actually get more quality time with their child as I'm doing house/dinner etc after pick up whereas they are able to earn enough to ship out the house stuff. Focus on quality, not quantity.

I'd focus on making the house easier instead - get a cleaner etc rather than quitting a job you like which is well paid. Also have a think about the future, not just today. Plan for 10/20 years down the line, as kids get more expensive and pensions etc are important too. At school age there are activities which add up quickly and I'm thinking about university and help with house deposits now.

Being a TA wouldn't let you do the school run as you'd need to be there before you would drop your kids off and you would finish after they finish, they would still need wraparound care and it would eat into the wages which aren't high in the first place. I don't think there are many admin jobs nowadays either, they've disappeared over the last twenty years. Don't fall into the trap of thinking lower paid jobs are less stressful. I've moved up and the new job is more senior, better paid and less stressful that the lower paid one.

You will find it particularly difficult to get a part time role around school hours for 40k a year,

The people who work these type of jobs have probably put flexible working requests in there current roles.

Your best bet is to put in a flexible working request, possibly asking for condensed hours or trialling using annual leave 1 day a week to see how you get on. If you go down to 4 days a week you would just need to adjust people’s expectations of workloads

Ultimately you need to do what is best for your family

I think I'd carefully consider how your life might look when your kids are in primary and how that might fit in with a job with little/ no flexibility.

Being able to wfh and being around and not having to take a day off when they're sick, or the odd day in the school holidays, is a godsend. Having flexible hours so we can do the odd school run / pop out and take them to a hobby then log back on / take them to appointments / nip out to school performances etc is great and would be much much harder if we had roles eg I a school office where you have set hours that you have to be on site.

Would you have benefitted from having a partner who was a SAHP? Because that would make the most sense in OP’s particular case.

Your job sounds ideal OP, well paid, hybrid, you like it, reasonable commute. No way would I be giving it up, for what, working as admin in a school for min wage or something? Sod that! No offence meant to people who do those jobs, but you have a choice!
You'll have mat leave with the new baby I presume, that will give you a year with your children.
Construction can be a bit volatile and your H is on 50k. That doesn't go far with 2 kids in the SE. Even if he was on 100k I wouldn't be abandoning such a good job. You'll be the household skivvy as well, if he is away a lot and you've not got a "proper job."
I am quite focused on having my independence though, and prone to worrying what if! I know some women are not bothered about that really, and happy to focus on the kids and trust their husband to do the right thing etc.

The OP 'should' prefer what suits them. Who are you to tell a woman what her priorities and preferences should be? How is that any better than telling her she should prefer to be at home.

We have recently made a very similar decision. I was earning 80k and my husband 90k. We have 3 children, one who has a speech delay. We decided that we both hated the juggling of our jobs with pick ups/illnesses/helping our son with his speech so we decided I would take a step back from work for a while. I was going to hand my notice in at work (who are also really supportive) and it turns out they have a 'career break policy' which allows me to take a break for between 1 - 3 years and then return to them after that. It's been perfect. Ok, we definitely don't have the same money to spend (I took it for granted before now!) but it's so worth it. I don't regret it and would do it again every day - even if it had meant I had to hand my notice in.

my advice is just do whatever works for you and your family xx

I went part time when dd1 was born, my wages were nowhere near yours but it was still a significant drop to our household income and I've never regretted a thing.

This isn't a dig at all at people who choose career but for me I wanted to be with dd, then dd2 as much as I could when they were little, I also enjoyed doing the nursery and school runs and still do.

I've never been a planner and live very much in the moment so I don't base my life choices on what I'd do if dh left, if I was worried about that then I'd have never had children or got married in the first place.
I do know that right now as my youngest is in her last year of primary school I would have regretted not making the financial sacrifices to be at home with them.

You sound as if you have a similar mindset to me and are more family focused than career so I'd say if you can afford it then go for it.

Because she’s asking for my opinion. It’s kinda how online forums work.

I am from and live in Bath. It's expensive. But just do what suits your family and matches the kind of lifestyle you want to have.

I gave up a good job, that I enjoyed, after having our toddler. I don't regret it at all. I always see the "what if your DH leaves you" type comments. Well I'd just go back to work. It may not be as well paid or as good of a position but I'd find something and make it work. After having our child I really could not care less about career progression, I just wanted to raise him.

Risky to give up a good flexible job in current climate I think.

I did this and I don't regret it for a moment. Yes money was much tighter but I loved being at home with my kids whilst they are small.

For what it's worth, I was worried about rejoining the workplace after a break but found it much easier than expected.

I stepped back long term (around 13 years ago), I won't return to where I am (though that is partly as I am no longer motivated to do so) but I have no regrets whatsoever.
I am very fortunate to be in the position however where DH earns a good salary so the financial element is not hugely important .

I’m reading this whole thread with so much interest and feeling very grateful for my secure, senior career that I’ve worked hard to build over the years. PP have said the more senior and well established reputation you have, the more flexibility you have and it’s so true. I never miss a Christmas show or parents evening. My seniors trust me, because I’ve earned that trust, so if I need to leave early, no questions are asked about whether the work will get done. I can’t imagine having to start all this from scratch in a lower paid role I would also be a nightmare and try and run the place!

My own DF worked away from home a lot and my DM had a school hours job while I was small. I don’t remember my DF as being absent at all. What I remember is our lovely house, financial security, never having parents arguing about money and being helped financially through university, buying my first house and even now I’m allegedly a grown up, my DPs offer support when they can.

I think reducing hours at your current job sounds like the best plan. School hours jobs are notoriously rare and jobs in actual schools that aren't teachers (eg TAs, office staff) are really badly paid. I do know some people that work 70-80% eg by doing 9-4 or similar though which is worth thinking about. Juggling everythign does get a lot easier as kids get older.