AIBU to give up an £80,000 job to work part time school hours?

[fieldmouse231]

We live in London and have a one-year-old DS. I earn more than my husband (c.£30k more) and work for a supportive company where I can WFH three days a week; my commute is 50 minutes. I’m back at work full time, earn £80k, quite enjoy my job and am well regarded, but I’m not especially career-motivated.

Our son is in nursery. I do pick-ups and drop-offs four days a week as my husband has a 90-minute commute, long hours (construction industry) and needs to be in the office four days a week.

We have a small mortgage for London (c.£800pcm) and over £100k in savings between us.

We’re planning a second child and I’d really like to take a step back after my second maternity leave (if we’re lucky enough to have another). Ideally I’d work part-time around school hours so I could manage drop-offs and pick-ups, and potentially spend 2–3 days a week caring for the children before they start school.

We’d also love to move out of London for more space and a countryside lifestyle — currently considering Bath. This would likely mean giving up my current job or having a very long commute. My husband is very career-motivated (this is a second career for him) and keen to progress; his work is project-based and may involve staying away three nights a week depending on location.

I don’t want to stop working entirely — it’s important for my identity and self-confidence — but equally I feel strongly about being present for my children and running our household.

AIBU to give up my £80k job and (inevitably) take a much lower-paid role to prioritise time with my children and family life?

Sometimes the higher paying jobs come with much better flexibility than the lower paying ones.

I could easily out earn DH (if I chose to be full time) but I'd still have better flexibility and therefore the ability to do all drops/picks.

His job is well paid and fairly important (to the world, not just cos he has a big "man job"), but if I was full time we'd still need his job as well as mine. It doesn't have the ability for him to do it on reduced hours, the nature of his job means he needs to be on site 5 days a week and on call regularly.

Sometimes it just falls that way, and it's not to do with one being a woman and the other a man. DH would love to do all the drop off and pick ups for school, and he does do as many pick ups from nursery as he can because he loves seeing her little face when daddy appears.

I think what PP have been getting at is -

If you're choosing between doing 90% of the domestic duties and working full time or doing 90% of the domestic duties and working part time, it's not exactly a totally free choice. As it doesn't sound like doing 50:50 is an option as your DH wouldn't pick up his share

I wouldn’t personally but it’s obviously your choice. You’re in a stronger position than most with the savings and low mortgage. The risk is if your marriage collapses and you’re only earning 15k a year as a TA or whatever lowly figure it is nowadays. School hours jobs don’t tend to pay well- TA, dinner lady, school receptionist etc.

I’d be considering reducing hours where you currently are first, if that’s an option.

Try thinking of it the other way, I would say most people are underpaid for the work they do. You have clearly earned what are getting, and if you weren't bringing value to the company they would change the role.

Think of how much some 'celebrities' receive for the work they do? Is anyone worth millions for a few weeks work? In comparison, you live in one of the most expensive cities and earn £80k.....

I think you should stick to your current job and hours. Your husband needs to find a job that’s closer to home so he can also do some parenting. I wouldn’t be trying for another child until your husband steps up.

or choosing between earning 80K in a flexible family friendly job, and getting some help around the house - or still doing it all while on minimum wage, and still needing help as those jobs are generally not flexible.

We struggled to get pregnant for 3 years so when I had my son i knew he'd be my only and I wanted to make sure I was there to experience all motherhood had to offer. I was the manager of a shop at the time , not very well paid so I wasn't in your position at all but I decided not to go back to work full-time and instead have been doing jobs that fit around my family. Husband is very supportive of this. My son is now 11 and due to start secondary school in September and I can honestly say it has been the greatest joy of my life being so lucky to have spent this time with him. I have done every school drop off and pick up, sports days, plays, assembly , summer fairs christmas activities ect... and I wouldn't have missed it for the world, the primary school years have been the loveliest time and being able to read with him every night and help with homework and all that stuff without the stress of a high powered job has been great. I know not all mums love the school runs and hate all the school activities but I found all the other mums fine, no bitching or falling outs its just been nice , but maybe im just lucky. Im 45 now and when hes settled in secondary school I'm thinking of retraining to do something better paid, let's face it ive probably got another 20 years or so working life left. I don't think any mum on her deathbed would say I regret spending so much time with my kids. It has honestly been the biggest joy and somthing ill treasure forever. We manage to pay our bills have a nice little 3 bed semi and go on nice holidays so what more do you need in life! money isn't everything, fillng your life with happy memories and love are, do what you feel will fill your heart most. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Thank you. I don’t think anyone was picking up on this. The DH was completely absent from the discussion and it seemed all on the OP.

Or getting your DH do to something round the house and help a bit more.

generally yes absolutely, but OPs husband's career plans include not even being there for a big part of the week.

Yes great for him. He gets to opt out of parenting/pick ups/juggling/housework/cooking. He gets to focus purely on his career like a single man does.

Can we not downplay this. The only situations that I see work where two people are full time are when it’s all split 50:50. Or there’s a nanny/loads of help. If the woman is working full time (and earning more) and doing pretty much everything with the kids and the home then that strikes me as a little unfair and untenable. Something will have to give and it will most like be her career.

If that’s what she wants then fine. But she has a great flexible job that earns more than him. Why does he get to dial out of any parenting?

How is this helping women progress in their careers? Letting the men do no parenting or housework because their commute is 30 minutes longer…

We don't know that he is opting out.

My BIL regularly works away for a couple of weeks at a time, and they do it because it benefits them. Yes it leaves SIL in charge of their DC and the home, but it also brings in a large chunk of money. BIL is a very involved parent when he's home, even if he's had to commute back and forth a few hours round trip a day.

Progressing her Hs career could give OP what she wants further down the line. If he is able to bring more money in, they need her salary less, she could have more time home with the kids and switch to that role she is coveting. But the short term might be that he needs to do something to get there.

At no point has OP said he's checking out of parenting. Just that he doesn't have the same desire to step back from his career as she's currently feeling. And that's also allowed, man or woman.

He’s on 50k. More than the uk average but not really enough to comfortably provide for a growing family and moving costs.

Yes, but again my direct advice to OP was to hold onto her role and try to go part time if she's wanting to reduce stress and they can afford to live on less.

The point of THIS comment was that just because he's wanting to progress his career doesn't mean he's opting out of parenting, and actually could benefit them in the long run by giving everyone what they want. Would you say that OP was opting out of parenting if she'd asked whether she was being unreasonable for wanting to progress her career while DH took on more?

Don’t do it. You’re on a good salary, in a good company, working from home 3 days a week. You probably won’t regain this position when your kids are older. It’s hard but you also need to think of the long term financial needs of your family, and what you are role modelling for your kids.

He is doing one pick up a week - that is opting out of parenting, in my book.

I just don’t know why we are defending men doing very little. But here we are I guess.

I give up - it’s apparently fine for OP to work full time and do most of the parenting/pick ups/ cooking etc. He earns much less but that extra commute means he doesn’t need to step up in any way. There we go.

DH does three, and sometimes less. I do all drops offs and pick up when he can't.

He's not opting out of parenting. His work hours and the fact he has to be on site and the nature of his role means that sometimes he can't make it.

By contrast, I'm usually WFH, and have a very flexible role, so I can pick up the "slack" when his job (which we need, unless I'm gonna suddenly earn more than double) calls for it.

He still isn't "opting out". He's doing his share of the providing, which looks different to mine, and he still parents outside of that. Collecting your child isn't the only part of parenting.

Because "he does one pick up" isn't a whole story. It's only referring to the collection of a child from nursery.

Does home life not count as parenting?

I don't understand it either.

I find it so depressing that women come in to defend men like this.

I'm not defending men. I'm saying that OP knows the whole story so if she feels like this whole scenario will benefit them as a family, us saying "men are useless" isn't actually helping her figure anything out.

It might be that he is completely useless. But equally he might not be, and for some short term "pain" they might all get the life they want. Together.

I can't stand it when people tell women not to do things they actually want to do, just because "most men are rubbish" and hers must fall into that pool.

What is this school hours job?
How do you know ylu will get it or like it?
Where does it leave your pension?
Can you get more flexiblity eg 80 % hours in the job you know

He currently has a 90 minute commute and is proposing to focus more on his career and stay away 3 nights a week. I’m not sure how much parenting (and the rest of it) he can do if he’s not physically there.

He's still home 4 nights a week in that scenario.

Working away to provide for a family does not immediately mean opting out of parenting.

The point I was making was that her choices are constrained by the decisions he has made. He is magnanimously fine with her not working as much but not on the table is the nature and amount of his work.

She doesn't have the option of sharing pick ups and drop offs. She couldn't be career focussed and take up jobs that involved working away even if she wanted to. Which might be more reasonable if he was the higher earner but she is!