Page 15 | AIBU to give up an £80,000 job to work part time school hours?

Delatron · 07/02/2026 12:23

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/02/2026 12:20

He's still home 4 nights a week in that scenario.

Working away to provide for a family does not immediately mean opting out of parenting.

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With a 90 minute commute what time do you think he’s home? In time to do the pick up from nursery? In time to cook dinner/ see his child. Then he would be away 3 nights - but apparently that has zero impact.

Best case is he finishes around 5-6 add an hour and a half on to that…

I think you are minimising what the OP is doing and how much slack she is picking up. That’s not helpful.

Delatron · 07/02/2026 12:26

Bimmering · 07/02/2026 12:22

The point I was making was that her choices are constrained by the decisions he has made. He is magnanimously fine with her not working as much but not on the table is the nature and amount of his work.

She doesn't have the option of sharing pick ups and drop offs. She couldn't be career focussed and take up jobs that involved working away even if she wanted to. Which might be more reasonable if he was the higher earner but she is!

Edited

Exactly this.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/02/2026 12:27

Bimmering · 07/02/2026 12:22

The point I was making was that her choices are constrained by the decisions he has made. He is magnanimously fine with her not working as much but not on the table is the nature and amount of his work.

She doesn't have the option of sharing pick ups and drop offs. She couldn't be career focussed and take up jobs that involved working away even if she wanted to. Which might be more reasonable if he was the higher earner but she is!

Edited

To some extent all parents are constrained by the others choices though. Some have more external support than others too. A director at my company works full time, is regularly in a different part of the country for a day or two, and her husband works away. They have a lot of support from parents.

We couldn't do that, because we haven't the parental support she does. But my role being as flexible as it is and DH being able to take some good will for how often he's able to give extra means that when I need him to flex for my role, he can.

If he's able and willing to support in other ways, and OP is able to handle him working away, then she's not as constrained as you're making her out to be.

It might not have worked for you, but plenty of people make this kind of thing work.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/02/2026 12:30

Delatron · 07/02/2026 12:23

With a 90 minute commute what time do you think he’s home? In time to do the pick up from nursery? In time to cook dinner/ see his child. Then he would be away 3 nights - but apparently that has zero impact.

Best case is he finishes around 5-6 add an hour and a half on to that…

I think you are minimising what the OP is doing and how much slack she is picking up. That’s not helpful.

Edited

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DH has a similar commute. His hours aren't 9-5, he's usually home before 5 and that's why he's usually able to do the pick ups. He does start earlier though so that's where I "pick up the slack". I get it back elsewhere though.

You're looking at it from a standard office hours perspective. Neither of us have worked 9-5 in years, even pre children. Not everyone does these days.

Stop creating villains just because you think he sounds unsupportive from a tiny handful of information have.

Bimmering · 07/02/2026 12:37

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/02/2026 12:27

To some extent all parents are constrained by the others choices though. Some have more external support than others too. A director at my company works full time, is regularly in a different part of the country for a day or two, and her husband works away. They have a lot of support from parents.

We couldn't do that, because we haven't the parental support she does. But my role being as flexible as it is and DH being able to take some good will for how often he's able to give extra means that when I need him to flex for my role, he can.

If he's able and willing to support in other ways, and OP is able to handle him working away, then she's not as constrained as you're making her out to be.

It might not have worked for you, but plenty of people make this kind of thing work.

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Yes but in a supportive equal marriage, both parties are up for compromising and that might look different at different times.

The OP makes it quite clear that her DH isn't interested in compromising at all, the only thing in question is what she does in response for that..

Delatron · 07/02/2026 12:43

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/02/2026 12:30

DH has a similar commute. His hours aren't 9-5, he's usually home before 5 and that's why he's usually able to do the pick ups. He does start earlier though so that's where I "pick up the slack". I get it back elsewhere though.

You're looking at it from a standard office hours perspective. Neither of us have worked 9-5 in years, even pre children. Not everyone does these days.

Stop creating villains just because you think he sounds unsupportive from a tiny handful of information have.

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I don’t know why you keep mentioning your DH. It’s completely irrelevant.

OP has said what her DP does and what his plans are

When we are trying to help OP and figure out what would work we are having to take her DP out of the equation. She has clearly said he has a long commute and she does majority of the pick ups. She has clearly said he wants to focus on his career and is planning on working more and staying away 3 nights. That is the information we are working with.

What if OP wants to keep her flexible well paid job? She has to go away to a conference? Who is looking after the kids then if he’s away? The kids are sick. Who is picking that slack up?

Delatron · 07/02/2026 12:45

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/02/2026 12:30

DH has a similar commute. His hours aren't 9-5, he's usually home before 5 and that's why he's usually able to do the pick ups. He does start earlier though so that's where I "pick up the slack". I get it back elsewhere though.

You're looking at it from a standard office hours perspective. Neither of us have worked 9-5 in years, even pre children. Not everyone does these days.

Stop creating villains just because you think he sounds unsupportive from a tiny handful of information have.

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It’s great that your DH does all the pick ups (this is exactly my point). That helps immensely. OP doesn’t have that. Can’t you see that therefore her life is more difficult?

whittingtonmum · 08/02/2026 19:16

Do not give up your job to run your household. You are entitled to four weeks unpaid parental leave - use that for more time with the children.
Lots of childminders offer drop offs and pick ups.

If you do move to Bath you might need to reconsider your job but as long as you are in London do not quit that job.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 08/02/2026 21:57

fieldmouse231 · 05/02/2026 12:11

We live in London and have a one-year-old DS. I earn more than my husband (c.£30k more) and work for a supportive company where I can WFH three days a week; my commute is 50 minutes. I’m back at work full time, earn £80k, quite enjoy my job and am well regarded, but I’m not especially career-motivated.

Our son is in nursery. I do pick-ups and drop-offs four days a week as my husband has a 90-minute commute, long hours (construction industry) and needs to be in the office four days a week.

We have a small mortgage for London (c.£800pcm) and over £100k in savings between us.

We’re planning a second child and I’d really like to take a step back after my second maternity leave (if we’re lucky enough to have another). Ideally I’d work part-time around school hours so I could manage drop-offs and pick-ups, and potentially spend 2–3 days a week caring for the children before they start school.

We’d also love to move out of London for more space and a countryside lifestyle — currently considering Bath. This would likely mean giving up my current job or having a very long commute. My husband is very career-motivated (this is a second career for him) and keen to progress; his work is project-based and may involve staying away three nights a week depending on location.

I don’t want to stop working entirely — it’s important for my identity and self-confidence — but equally I feel strongly about being present for my children and running our household.

AIBU to give up my £80k job and (inevitably) take a much lower-paid role to prioritise time with my children and family life?

Now is not the time to decide......

Living in London and being the higher earner at £80k I would say no - if you have another child and move out of London look at the situation and finances then. I would 100% recommend retaining some financial independence and not burning your bridges. A decent salary, home working and flexibility are not easy to come by.