AIBU to give up an £80,000 job to work part time school hours?

[fieldmouse231]

We live in London and have a one-year-old DS. I earn more than my husband (c.£30k more) and work for a supportive company where I can WFH three days a week; my commute is 50 minutes. I’m back at work full time, earn £80k, quite enjoy my job and am well regarded, but I’m not especially career-motivated.

Our son is in nursery. I do pick-ups and drop-offs four days a week as my husband has a 90-minute commute, long hours (construction industry) and needs to be in the office four days a week.

We have a small mortgage for London (c.£800pcm) and over £100k in savings between us.

We’re planning a second child and I’d really like to take a step back after my second maternity leave (if we’re lucky enough to have another). Ideally I’d work part-time around school hours so I could manage drop-offs and pick-ups, and potentially spend 2–3 days a week caring for the children before they start school.

We’d also love to move out of London for more space and a countryside lifestyle — currently considering Bath. This would likely mean giving up my current job or having a very long commute. My husband is very career-motivated (this is a second career for him) and keen to progress; his work is project-based and may involve staying away three nights a week depending on location.

I don’t want to stop working entirely — it’s important for my identity and self-confidence — but equally I feel strongly about being present for my children and running our household.

AIBU to give up my £80k job and (inevitably) take a much lower-paid role to prioritise time with my children and family life?

What does your husband say? You cannot make a decision that will affect the entire families finances and lifestyle (including your children’s) without being in total agreement or it will lead to disaster.

I wouldn’t step back from that salary. Remember you need to be building a pension for yourself as well.

I think it is socially conditioned for women not to say that.

But I know two women who deeply regret being SAHMs and giving up careers. Not for financial reasons but because both found they weren't cut out for being a SAHM, didn't enjoy it day to day, and really missed their careers. My MIL is one of them - she did revive her career when her kids left home but she constantly talks about her regrets about never fulfilling her potential

This is a decision only you can make really.Its all well and good everyone telling you you have the perfect job ,but if you dont feel it you dont feel it! Incidentally a programme I watched urged caution with towns like Bath ,Beautiful city but property prices are very high, and COL there too.Farmers markets ,Restaurants and so on .

keeping my career was and is 'putting family first'. The money pays for roof over their head and gives them a financially secure life and many opportunities they would not have had if I stayed home.

And no I don't think anybody would say they regret spending time with kids as such. People certainly regret not having a (sufficient) income or that they can't get a job after a long career break, which then of course significantly limits your options in life.

Being honest I think something I struggle with is that I feel overpaid for my job, relative to other people who have it much harder. I have worked hard for a long time in education and work, but I’ve also had a lot of advantages and good luck, things have worked out in my favour almost always. I’d feel better about myself if I worked in a job that was more useful to society etc. so this is also a temptation re stepping away. For reference I’m in recruitment, in-house so no commission.

I realise that this is silly, and so over privileged to even be having these sorts of worries anyway.

I live in Bath. It is really not cheap though - you could move to the outskirt areas and get a much better deal. See Bitton, Wellow, Peasedown St John for example.
I do love Bath and there are a huge amount of people from London who have also made the move but still commute by train a couple of times a week - just under 90mins Bath Spa - London Paddington.
i don’t think you are being unreasonable but you both need to be in agreement.

This.

There will come a point where you can do something more "useful" to society, when it's not as important to your family to have your salary.

Totally get it, I enjoy my job and I love working with my team, but I would love to do something like conservation or working with an animal charity.

The reality is that those more "important" jobs won't give my family what we need. They won't fill my pension pot to a point where I'll be able to survive in retirement with the way the costs of everything are going. I'd only be able to do something like that once the outgoings were lower, but we can't "downsize" without moving a significant distance away because we have a small house anyway we just live in an expensive area. But moving a significant distance impacts DHs role, and both salaries so it doesn't work practically.

At the moment you're in the young family stage. You do what's needed.

Thank you, this is really kind and sensible advice

A lot of things can happen over 20 years. People get sick, divorced, etc. life can change. It’s just my opinion. You and others should do what you want.

You deserve to be well paid OP! You can do good works when you haven't got a family to look after, or do a few hours volunteering. You are doing enough "good" by doing what you're doing. Don't let misplaced guilt disadvantage your family, enjoy what you have.

There's more to life than money. It's great that you're prioritising your child (& potential 2nd). Do what feels right for you...& enjoy your little one. Time flies very fast & every minute is valuable.

I think it’s natural to want to spend more time with your children when they were younger. There are many factors you need to consider including living off one salary, the risk that comes with that and how your save for 2 pensions equally from one pot

In the short term, can you look at compressed hours whilst your child is in longer nursery hours if part time doesn’t work. It would give you 3 full days with your child each week

The husband appears to have opted out of any childcare and is proposing to take on more work and be away three days a week. Really push his career. Without the juggle - lucky him.

So I’m guessing he would be fully on board with OP picking up all the slack at home (like she does now but with a full time job).

I just want the OP to think about whether she really wants to dial down her career/ leave her job or whether it’s because juggling a full time job with kids is too hard for her her (with zero help). If she wants to keep her career the answer is the DH steps up/she gets more help and maybe looks at 4 days.

Mate, it doesn’t work like that. You’re being naive. There’s no such thing as getting more because you’re being aggressive. In fact it’s frowned upon and you’d likely get penalised. It’s a basic split sums game. You might get more of the cash/ equity because he has a pension. Still leaves you with no pension scrambling around to survive in your twilight years. Why doesn’t he pay into a pension for you?

I actually read it as her H was supporting her wanting to at least drop hours or change role by saying he'd find ways to pick up the financial slack. Which means working more and progressing his career to earn more money.

DH and I take it in turns to push our careers. We're currently focusing on his as he's in a good position to take a big step up over the next year or so. I did that a couple of years ago and won't be ready for the next step for another year at least so it balances well.

Some Hs are good about supporting what their wives want.

I actually read it as her H was supporting her wanting to at least drop hours or change role by saying he'd find ways to pick up the financial slack.

I may have missed it, but I didn't see the husband proposing to pick up the slack. OP says he has opportunities and potential in mid- to long term, not that there will be immediate pay rises. Going from 130K family income to 50K will be quite a delta to cover.

Personally I wouldn’t move “out” of London or give up a job you like that pays well and gives you 3 days WFH. To go live in an unfamiliar town or village to work more hours out of the house for less money.

The finances don’t add up

Even if you went to live in the cheapest place in the country it won’t be £80,000 less per year.
You say your dh commutes to work atm but would be staying away 3 nights per week if you moved.
How much realistically would the extra petrol and over night stays cost.

I know several people who did this
Loneliness and haemorrhaging money were the overriding factors they either returned to London (even though when they returned their budget didn’t afford them the same as they had left.) A couple emigrated and one moved back to Home Counties area when they realised all their children having left for university at 18, now all worked in London with none wanting to return to their childhood countryside home.

Personally I would look at Greater London /Home Counties areas and where both you and your dh need to get to
A non stopping train and sometimes a train that stops at each station can cut down your commute dramatically and whilst housing is still relatively expensive you will get a little more house for your money without the need to compromise commute time or giving up your jobs.

Completely- if that is what she wants. If she wants to dial down her career, give up her (very well paid) job and do everything at home. I wouldn’t also underestimate how hard it will be with him not only having a long commute but then being away fo 3 nights a week.

That’s solo parenting at least half of the time. She may well want to be at home and support his career.

He does need to recognise that and appreciate what she’s given up.

She has literally posted saying that this is something she feels she wants.

My actual advice was to consider taking her current role part time for a while to keep her hand in at least and continue building a pension and so on.

But women should be allowed to make decisions for themselves without other women acting like they're being stupid for considering doing something they want to do.

Honestly, I am not worried. I trust my husband. I know men arent viewed highly on Mumsnet, but I am also not going to live in fear, because I do not have complete trust in my relationship from when we promised to love, honour and obey one another, and share all that we had with each other. It works both ways. He trusts me and I trust him. Sahm and never had a pension when I was working is why.

I’m only asking for the DH to step up so that the choice is a true choice. If he could shoulder some of the burden would she want to take a less well paid job and step away from her career?

Is it because she’s worn out with the juggle or does she genuinely want a little part time job and therefore see more of her kids.

At no point am I saying she’s being stupid! I did exactly what she did. I gave up a very well paid job (though completely inflexible to be fair!) and retrained to do a part time job around the kids whilst DH focused on his career and travelled. On the whole I think it was the right decision. But I’d be lying if I said that the decision wasn’t slightly forced upon me due to lack of help and DH’s job always taking priority.

She has a very well paid, flexible job.
All it would take to continue that is a bit more help from her DH and maybe
more outside help. Surely if her job is the most well paid then he should be doing more?

If it’s nothing to do with the juggle and she wants to spend more time at home with her child then that’s all good.

I’d say it’s 80% that I’m considering this because it’s what I want (or think I might want). There’s probably 20% of thinking re how it would work re the juggle that will only increase. What is true is that he would be much less interested in stepping back than I would, though I don’t think he would rule it out.

Ok if it’s genuinely what you want. It’s hard to know until you’re actually in it and have taken the career hit and are at home with 2 kids!

I hope it works out. I’m only pushing for your DH to do more as it does seem a bit unfair that you have the higher paying job, work full time and also do all the pick ups and I’m guessing picking up the slack at home. I fell in to that and nearly had a nervous breakdown. It’s hard work and only gets harder with 2.