Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

This response is batshit and frankly just catty.

You may not have contact with family but that doesn't make it weird or abnormal for others.

Also one person had mixed feelings about you having a baby.

You presumably had your own friends.Your own family and other people share your news with.

If you took one person's negative reaction and let it colour your entire pregnancy, then i'm afraid it's a matter for you. That does seem an extreme reaction.

I have contact with family.Thank you.And so does my partner, but we don't live each other's pockets

There were still this thing called adulthood and maturity. You move on and live your own adult lives and meet up with family.As and when you don't constantly live in their pockets, as if you never grew up. I find it weird families that do that.

So as I said, she’s better best ignored. This will be no loss for OP.

I’d also never want someone round my child who ignored them.

Vile, no matter what is going on.

@TiredMummaChlo
In a nutshell, your SIL is actively ignoring you and your child.

You need to protect your DD. If her DAD/your DH won't say/do anything, then it really is entirely up to you.

Speak to MIL - tell her everything. Add that you will not bring your DD to "family" events if SIL persists in her behaviour.

SIL is autistic, so? That does not allow her to intentionally ignore her niece, or you. That's just plain RUDE.

They would have one final chance, and after that, there would be no futher visits to any of DH family.

Your job is to protect YOUR DD. Make sure that your DH knows that his DD is his priority here and you won't back down.

I agree to an extent. My PILs were totally unimpressed when we told them I was pregnant with DS — they thought I was far too old at 39 (MIL had DH’s eldest sister at 18), disapproved of us not planning to have any more (‘an only is a lonely’ is literally the first thing MIL said), and thought there was too big a gap from their other grandchildren, I was ‘unmaternal’ etc etc. Then both DH’s sisters went into virtual mourning when I found out I was having a boy (something I was perfectly happy about), because they couldn’t imagine not having a daughter.

But you know, I was having a baby for myself, and DH, obviously. I didn’t need prolonged demonstrations of familial delight. Other people’s stuff is their stuff.

He tried but because of his position in the family as the youngest his words don't carry much weight.

He is obviously used to being ignored and not having his feelings taken seriously.

I guess if he had been treated the same as his sister and had every emotion pandered to they wouldnt have dared to treat his family this way and as though his child doesn't exist.

But instead her husband has got used to the bad treatment and developed his own coping strategies, something sister in law has never had to learn as she has been pandered to her whole life.

Who said anything about living in each other's pockets? Is that how you view a friendship?

Honestly I find your aggressive response really odd.

Perhaps you should display some of that maturity. A small child was ignored because adults can't control their emotions.

She sounds very selfish and not someone you need in your life. A few early miscarriages doesn't make it ok to treat people like shit.

At the end of the day it was just pure jealousy. You having a baby had no impact on her having a baby. She just couldn't stand you having something she wanted. Very self centred.

Seriously what is your own family like?

I would have just spent the time with my own family.
Celebrations, big birthdays, frequent visits to my parents and built family connections this way. I would not have bothered with them at all and just have distanced myself and my family from the lot of them.

Agreed. It the SIL’s behaviour who is odd, not someone wanting a family to act like family. But then it’s MN, it’s like the upside down sometimes.

Do you mean your PiLs haven't spoken to you or your child? Because I don't think it was unreasonable of them to not express excitement about first grandchild etc in front of her, that's very normal levels of consideration.

If they have since ignored you that would be unreasonable.

I’m really sorry OP. It sounds like SIL isn’t capable of behaving any better, but the whole family didn’t have to jump on board.

I don’t have ASD, but I am slightly traumatised by my BIL’s pregnancy. We had been trying, getting nowhere, and days before had found out I had advanced endometriosis and needed surgery and then straight into IVF the next cycle. Then my BIL told us his girlfriend of 5 months, who is 43, was pregnant. It seemed like she wasn’t really interested in him to start with and wanted to go it alone, but since then they are more formally together and the baby is due next month. I’d had other pregnancy news in this time (eg friends) and been genuinely happy, but somehow the shock of my BIL’s news allowed ALL of my fear I might be infertile escape and I was crying for 5 days straight. My husband didn’t understand at all and said “don’t be jealous” 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I still get really anxious before seeing her and often spiral afterwards. I turn up but feel wretched and cry afterwards. I would HATE for any of them to know how broken I am over it, so I go out of my way to be so nice to her. I’m about to do my first transfer and I’m already anxious at the idea of having to meet the newborn if it doesn’t work out. It’s just annoying that shock about THIS pregnancy is just lodged in my system and I get so triggered by it.

The difference I suppose to your SIL is that other than my husband, no one knows how I feel about this pregnancy and I put on a brave face. Today I decided though I’m going to pretend I’m away around the birth as it will be just too raw a time for me. I know I won’t give a damn once I have my own baby.

Probably not helpful me sharing this but it’s something I’m upset about today and this quite specific thread came up. My husband wanted to tell his family we were doing a transfer and I said no (then felt guilty for telling them that)

I HOPE your SIL feels the same way as me, just happy she now has her baby, and hopefully once her hormones return to normal she may appreciate you taking an interest in her baby and that may be the way to smooth things over / the cousins bond. I doubt you will ever get an apology or any sort of accountability from her or your in laws

As another poster said - this is a catty response. Of course it was going to hurt that her SIL reacted like a twat and prevented that side of the family from celebrating her pregnancy with her. If it's a big deal to miscarry, then it's certainly a big deal to be giving birth. Can't have it both ways. Seems like you're projecting here tbh.

I agree and think this is very empathetic and shows real understanding of what she must have been going through - and she had other challenges in dealing with it.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I'm just not sure how you are making yourself the one hurting here op.

You have your baby. Yes, you are hurt but in her situation she was hurting and didn't have hers - and a lost baby is forever lost. Subsequent babies don't replace it like a piece of new guttering where the old one blew off in a storm.

Can you not just contextualise it for what it was - someone struggling to cope with a trauma?

I mean after all, you are essentially wanting her to just get over quite a big thing, so can you not turn that reasoning on yourself?

It just isn't worth it. It's obvious why she was struggling.

I agree with all of this except I feel that while it'd understandable that sil and bil couldn't feel happy for op and her partner, there's still a very basic level of respectful behaviour and actually the way sil behaved is tantamount to bullying.

I understand WHY this was the case but that still doesn't make it okay. And now op is left feeling very hurt with no accountability taken by anyone who acted in a hurtful way.

To be honest op, I'd actually be inclined to reach out to sil and I would actually be honest and just say that I fully, fully understand that she was having a very difficult and painful experience and wasn't able to be available at that time, but that you felt a bit hurt by how she acted towards you and you would really like to move forwards and put that period behind you all and start making more effort with each other again.

I have struggled with fertility and loss at a time when a person extremely close to me was pregnant so I know how painful that is, but it does not give you a carte blanche to treat other people like crap. I think it's very fair for op to be honest with sil as long as she recognises the pain sil has been through and is focused on moving forward in a realistic way. I think we need to be more sensitive to women who are struggling with this absolutely, but we cannot essentially erase the experience of pregnant women in the process.

Also are you about to blow this up right now? When their baby was born only last month?

Not the time surely.

That's what I think.

ETA Also, it is very common for people to grieve a previous loss when newly pregnant or a new baby arrives. It can be very hard for some people to not think about the baby they didn't meet.

I get that she didn't act perfectly and it was rude, but I just can't see that registering on the same scale.

To be fair - the SIL went out of her way to ruin the OP's experience of being a new mum so why should she expect any different?

Good idea: go tit for tat then OP.

Have you met their new baby yet?

The issue is that she is still ignoring the OP and her daughter, without explanation or apology. At the very least, that's going to make any family gatherings deeply unpleasant for the OP and her child.

People experience loss. It's not an excuse to take it out on other people.

The thing is, it's not about expecting sil to just "get over it" she will never completely get over it, this is something she will live her life with now. It's about recognising that you've been through something awful and traumatic while still being accountable for yourself so you aren't hurting others. We can still be sensitive to trauma while still expecting people not to hurt us.

And op I fully agree with the pp who mentioned that now is not the time. I think you take it on the chin for now, make the effort you would have made had this not all happened and then maybe in 6 months time or a years time when you feel sil is more 'herself ' after having a baby then you time that conversation.

And I also would not be talking to others about this because that is not a fair conversation for sil to be getting second hand.

Sil didn’t ruined ops pregnancy. Sil just didn’t talk to op and avoided her.

Other family members treated op however they treated her. It wasn’t sils job to blow smokeup the ops arse about how amazing it is she is pregnant.

Ops looking for a blowout with a weeks postpartum first time mum. That will certainly paint op as the bad guy.

At this point you need to protect your own feelings (and those of your child).
SIL and BIL are both ND as are their kids, we have a limited relationship with them all because it is so draining to spend time with them - they are rude (no filter) selfish (no empathy) cannot meet anywhere indoors (too people-y) cannot eat food they have not prepared themselves (too many food issues) and will only talk about their special interest topics.
Non of this is their fault but we’ve had to step back for our own sanity and let go of the idea that the families could/should be close and I think you need to do the same.
Also IMO your inlaws will always favour the child who “needs them more” (the ND one). That’s certainly been our experience, DC and I nearly died during birth but BIL and SIL needed them “more”, so they were barely in contact with DH, he had to do all the leg work. Just because someone cannot process their emotions does not mean you have to accept being a punching bag, whatever PPs on this thread might think!