Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

If she continues ignoring your child when she sees her then something needs to be raised by someone.

Maybe your husband can do this through his brother? Whatever has happened that’s not ok and you’re right that your daughter will notice.

I'm so sorry you went though such a horrible, traumatic experience. What your husband and BiL said to you is absolutely unforgiveable and your PiLs sound monstrous. Their behaviour was abusive. I don't know what on earth possesses people to be so cruel.

How is anyone ever expected to look past this? You poor woman. I know it was a long time ago now, but this is not the sort of thing you just 'get over'.

I have asked the OP repeatedly if she has seen the new baby yet or sent a gift. No response. I don’t care how she now plays it but if it’s tit for tat and the OP is now looking for justification to ice out the SIL and new baby for revenge then be up front about it.

The reality is that both little girls are potentially being weaponised by both women in this family when a more compassionate approach maybe to look ahead to try to give each other space and grace to facilitate a warmth between innocent cousins who might value that friendship throughout life. This should be allowed to evolve maybe on neutral events / territory at GPs etc without the bitterness of the mother’s generation polluting the innocence of little children playing bonding at a family event. The OPs suggestion that she unilaterally pulls her DD from family events is unfair on her own DD.

I just wanted to say that I think you’re being very understanding OP and your SIL is BU.

Six years ago my first child (a girl) was stillborn at 41 weeks. Completely unexpectedly she passed away during labour. It was horrific and devastating and still is to a certain degree. I went on to have a boy a year later as did my SIL (her first). Our sons are three weeks apart and we were all super close.

I then had another boy but I always dreaded SIL getting pregnant again and having a girl. I thought I’d have to cut all contact as I wouldn’t be able to watch another girl in the family grow up when mine wasn’t here. Maybe unreasonable but that’s how I felt. I never said anything to her of course.

SIL fell pregnant again at the end of 2024 and it was a girl. I had to distance myself from her for a while so I stopped going to family events, went a different way on the school run to avoid her (our boys are at the same school), cried my eyes out for days. So I understand your SILs feelings. However none of this was my SILs fault or her problem, just like it’s not your fault or problem.

After a few weeks I spoke to SIL and told her honestly how I felt (the intensity had lessened a bit by then), I apologised for being distant, said I was happy for her but also sad for me and I just wanted her to know that she hadn’t done anything wrong. She was lovely (she is anyway) and totally understood.

When the baby was born I was sad again but SIL messaged me the sweetest message saying she knew how hard it would be for me and I could meet the baby however and whenever I felt comfortable. I cried when I met the baby but I adore her now and we are all back to being close again.

Sorry this is long but my point is all the feelings are valid on both sides but the key has to be communication and understanding. I don’t know what more you can do OP except try to have a one on one with her to talk openly about how you both feel. She might not want to of course and if not I think you’ll just have to find a new normal with her.

You’ve done nothing wrong and a reasonable person will understand that. Hope it works out.

Your SIL is a horrible person irrespective of pregnancy losses, and your ILs are being U to pander to her. So she might be temporarily nice to you or she might not - but what happens if you get pregnant again and she can't, or your DC has milestones or achievements which she feels makes her DC look "less than"? Jealous vindictive people don't change.

I don’t say this sort of thing often but I think that ignoring a child to their face is abusive. And the people who don’t speak up are enabling that abuse. I can’t understand why the OP’s husband has not made this point to his brother.

It’s a real shame that the SIL grew up in an abusive family but she has now gone on to become an abuser herself.

Hello, I just wanted to reply & say that ive been going through a very similar scenario with my sil... its been hard to get my head around as we were once close and id even chosen her as one of my bridesmaids. Its been around 2 years, like you, since she went through her experience of loss, which i completely can understand how her behaviour has been like it has been. Since then, shes went on to have another baby and like you, I feel like her behaviour towards me and my 2 children has been 'forgotten' about.. shes never addressed it with me. Ive been upset and angry & trying to get over the way shes made me feel, but its hard and to be honest I wonder whether I should raise the subject with her, as we were once close and now we never talk. She's only met my youngest (whos just over One) once, and that was a chance meeting at a relatives house when my husband took my 2 children out. My husband & 2 kids have met their new baby, although I havent. I would like to meet her baby, but I feel like communication has only ever been one way (from me) and I feel like zero interest/effort comes from her. Not once during my maternity leave, or during hers, or during her pregnancy had she ever reached out to me. I did have a difficult birth with my 2nd baby also, so it has been hard for my own personal reasons. She's met other babies from within our friendship circle, but yet cant make effort to make contact to meet her nephew. We live a five minute drive from eachother also. Some may ask me why dont I just get in touch, but to be honest until she actually acknowledges how her behaviour has made me feel I dont think ill be making any plans to get in touch... theres actually a plan for this coming weekend for everyone to go out for lunch with all of our kiddies, & she'll be going along. 1st time I'll meet her little baby, to be honest I dread the thought of going because I cant imagine the thought of sitting there ignoring the elephant in the room ....

Can I ask, would you consider addressing your feelings to your sil? (If you havent already?) .... im thinking of doing this myself, it actually feels such a relief to know that im not the only person on the planet going through something like this. My husband has made me feel at times like im overreacting 🙈

What’s this snarky little post about?

OP would be well within rights to ignore the her and the baby since the SIL ignores her child. Why shouldn’t she be exactly the same in response? Why does compassion all have to be for the poor SIL?

Well as they say, you can't control other people only how you react to them. It is in your hands. I can remember my SIL's frustration that my very food fussy toddler was cut so much slack at the table. We were all about taking the pressure off because mealtimes could be nightmares. Our niece on the other hand was a good eater and SIL and MIL expected some decorum from her at the table, whilst MIL did not expect that of our daughter. You can see the conflict here of applying different standards. It caused major tension at family get togethers. Interestingly, our daughter is probably somewhere on the spectrum, she has some very 'rigid' behaviours. She is 35 now( and eats very well), so this was years ago and we didn't understand as much as we do now about autism. Neurodivergent people sometimes struggle to know how to navigate their emotions and avoidance is a logical and understandable strategy. You may find if you have a frank, calm conversation with your SIL about how you miss their friendship you can help to patch things up. But I think you will probably have to carry the burden of being generous spirited as they might not have the emotional capacity and skills of untangling the difficulties.

Ah it is similar. You're definitely not the only one!

My partner is underding and agrees, but he can't really talk about it for more than a minute, or sometimes at all, as he finds it difficult.

I'm not going to approach it with her, as based on her behaviour, I don't think she would be able to cope with it. We did send Christmas presents to them and baby, as due date wasn't too far off. I've sent messages to BIL/SIL congratulating and checking in. I don't actually want a full blown friendship now, as I feel this situation might repeat itself in the future. But I do want to be civil. That's how I'm moving forward with it.

I'm so sorry you went through such a horrific time. Your reaction was totally understandable, and you all handled that situation in the best way you possibly could have x

Did they not send your kids Christmas gifts?

@BTMama1 You may find if you have a frank, calm conversation with your SIL about how you miss their friendship you can help to patch things up. But I think you will probably have to carry the burden of being generous spirited
what exactly is there to miss about the horrible behaviour of the SIL? Why on earth is it on the op to patch things up? And are you really telling someone it’s on them to “bear the burden” of basically emotional abuse to
their child? Sod that for a game of soldiers, I would never tell my child to accept such awful behaviour towards them “because that’s just how auntie is”… as a pp has put, I would also have concerns about mental wellbeing of the child if the family way is “SIL can behave however she wants and we all walk on eggshells and dance to her tune”

Sorry if I have missed this, is this your husband’s brother and his wife? I’m just wondering if your husband ever spoke to his brother about it, that would have made the most logical sense to me.

The hardest part is that the longer it goes on the harder it will be.

Would a letter written to them saying you would like sort the situation out help?

‘Your daughter will always remind her of the babies she lost. So don’t expect a close relationship. I don’t have as close a relationship with one of my nephews for a similar reason’

‘It happened 2 years ago. You do need to move on now.’

maybe you should take your own advice.. your poor nephew 😢😢

I’ve had pregnancy losses and would never ever behave like this, it’s shocking 😳 go and get therapy instead of taking it out on others and making them feel guilty for their blessings and be thankful they didn’t have to live through what you went through 💔❤️‍🩹❤️

Perhaps she just couldn't cope/ couldn't help it, but it made life very lonely for you and your husband and you're not wrong, you missed out on a lot of support due to her sad experience affecting how the family treated you.
If she is still ignoring your child even now, that is totally unacceptable. I wouldn't be exposing my child to that. If she genuinely can't cope with seeing her she should not be going to family gatherings, why should your child have to suffer.

@TiredMummaChlo I had exactly the same reaction to my pregnancy from a very close relative who hadn't even suffered any losses or had fertility issues.
We were both trying to get pregnant at the same time and I was having fertility treatment to help. When I very luckily became pregnant on my first cycle I was obviously delighted and thought she would be for me. She was not, did not speak to me for 18 months (until her DC was born) and this caused a rift in the family. I felt so alone and upset, the family sided with my relative and said I had not been tactful and even that I should have waited until she was pregnant before starting my treatment. As a 35 year old with fertility issues I didn't really see their perspective on that one!

Sorry - posted too soon. The long term effects were that I suffered from heightened anxiety during my pregnancy and PND afterwards. The relationship recovered for a short while after her son was born because I set aside all of my feelings, but my ability to do so (she still blamed me, as did some of the family) dwindled and we stopped seeing each other so regularly....now we have barely spoken for over a year. I feel better off without her in my life