Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

It is harder when it's your in-laws, especially if they're all complicit in the sweeping it under the carpet.

I'd disagree that it doesn't matter if it's family. It does matter on a primal level as these people are in your lives and you can't just bin them off and not think about them ever again. It causes a deep disturbance in your mental map of how things were and should be and it's sad.

You probably need to let it be, not let it go and see how things turn out in the future. If she's still at the stage of fleeing when she sees you, further confrontation won't really work. Blinking difficult, I feel for you. I also feel a bit for her but running away doesn't fix stuff.

I’d probably just take it for what it is and ignore her back. It is what it is.

It’s very unreasonable behaviour on her part. What happens if (touch wood) something else happens? Is she always going to be acting like this if both your lives aren’t linear to the same events, celebrations, achievements, losses?

And why shouldn’t her husband have been able to talk openly with his parents? Sounds like OP did everything with consideration and empathy but SILs losses should not have stopped OP having support or from being able to have joy in her pregnancy/DD. And I don’t truly understand why the SIL can’t have moved on a little now that she has also given birth. Why can there not be shared happiness?

This does sound sad all round.

I don't have siblings, so am aware that this might be off the mark entirely, but I do think that when you become parents, you have a fairly different experience and perspective from the years when you didn't, and some things that happen as the children grow will keep teaching lessons and adjustments - some that are rather brutal, if you compare what happened to you/friends at similar ages but now with a parental perspective. The family structure doesn't stop things being lonely, overwhelming, or a bit isolating at times. You had this in pregnancy but it's possible that this could be part of the package over time, as well.

If I am right, you have a 2 year old and your in-laws have a newborn. I agree that your SIL may well still be terrified for a while, as well as relieved and happy. I hope that the experience of parenting as both of your children grow up may lead her or her husband to repair more connections and become less fearful of the bad period, as they all get more robust. It will probably be different from how you remember things, though, because you both have young kids. If things feel really uncomfortable in family situations, discuss it with your DH. You (or he) don't have to go to everything, and when children get to about 3 and onwards, it's not always practical or easy to do that anyway.

sorry but ignoring your child because she couldnt coneive is bang out of order not the childs fault-nobodies fault really but its ott

I think irrevocable damage regarding family relationships may already have happened, Op, to be honest.

Has your DH tried to talk to his brother about it?

This is awful OP. I’ve had 2 losses and couldn’t attend baby showers in the months following because I would just break down and cry. But I privately messaged the expecting parents and they were really understanding. But at some point, I just plastered a smile on my face and got on with it. The world is full of babies and I couldn’t avoid them forever.

I also completely understand how hurtful it must be to have your first pregnancy and child be ‘hush hush’ in case your SIL might get upset. With my 2nd DC, there was a dramatic family situation that overshadowed her birth and first 9 months, and I still feel resentment at the fact that I never got to truly celebrate the end of my pregnancy and enjoy my maternity leave with her.

But honestly, I’ve just let it go. You’re going to have to do the same. I think I’d be more upset with my in laws than my SIL, as they pandered to it so much.

As ever, the only behaviour that you can control is your own. What is within your power, OP, to attempt to ensure that the future in terms of family relationships looks the way you would like it to? Do that. Stop complaining about how awfully everyone else has behaved. There’s nothing you can do about it now.

He can talk openly- just not directly in front of SIL that's just simple tactfulness. Her SIL didn't stop her from having joy or OP's parents expressing joy. Like i said, why are you only speaking about this when she is there? Don't get at all why people are not having separate convos without this woman?

and why did her reaction not allow you to feel joy st other times or at the same time? Just feel empathy and don't give her so much power

Two SILs are in a directly comparable situation in relation to parents in law. Can you imagine the mix of feelings on top of the grief of watching your SIL being successful and providing the children as she was meant to? These feelings of inadequacy and pressure in women in terms of having children go back millenia.

I agree this sounds difficult for OP and it's a tricky situation. And her reaction to run away is clearly immature and hurtful. But I would say maybe don't give this one hurt person so much power to determine your own joy and celebration.

Match energy. Just don´t bother that much with them.

She was suffering. SIL behaved as well as she could manage.

How do you know she behaved as well as she could manage? You don't know that at all.

It seems that the SIL has been pandered to and treated like a wounded princess for a very long time. I’m not saying that struggling to conceive and carry a baby to term are trivial matters. But life goes on and families pull together surely?

I think you might find this helpful to look at it in the context of her autism. You refer to her treating you badly - I accept she makes you feel bad but it’s more likely she can not process her emotions. She might be running away from you because she feels embarrassed or upset and can’t deal with those emotions / is afraid you will talk to her about the past. This is likely about her disability it’s not about you. Does it make it ok? No but I would build bridges through the brothers and then your hubby can ask her husband what would work to build bridges between their wives.

It's definitely harder when it's your in-laws. I have a lot of sympathy for your SIL, infertility is awful and I have had friends step back when I had children who just couldn't be around children because of what they were dealing with. One in particular is the loveliest, kindest person you could ever meet and she just said, I can't do this right now and I 100% understood.

Your SIL's behaviour is very rude and has gone on for a long time. I think you should just ignore her really unless she reaches out and apologises. She has dug herself into a massive hole here and whether you want to help her out of it if she makes some kind of move to start making amends is up to you. Two things can be true at once: you can be going through an unimaginably hard time as a person and still also be a rude and selfish character.

I think I would have to be direct if you get something like a baby shower invitation. And I think I'd probably just be avoiding them.

I would not put any more energy into these people, and that includes extended family who went along with this self absorbed performance.

👏

You are a more generous individual than I OP. I’m afraid I would not forgive her behaviour. Yes, she was hurting but she spoiled the joy for you and others too. I would now no longer wish to be on particularly good terms with her and would have the minimum amount possible to do with her (whilst not being rude). Any attempt to get close again I would rebuff. When push comes to shove you know she will only consider her own feelings and not take yours into consideration.

This. I would just parrot back at them however they shut you down when you were pregnant.
your pregnancy was shameful and to be hidden, hers to be celebrated?
not a chance would I give people like that access to my child. Sounds like sil is their clear favourite and this has been inherited by her child.

I agree. Not discussing ‘having the first grandchild’ at a party within earshot of a woman who has gone through multiple miscarriages is just common decency surely?!

I can’t see what her husband’s parents had done wrong apart from be tactful? Unless they haven’t congratulated them privately, then what is the issue?

Do people really spend parties discussing and expressing joy over a pregnant woman? I’ve never seen this, even with family and friends. It’s usually, ‘I’m pregnant’, then ‘congratulations, when is it due’ and that’s about it. I’m guessing this announcement would have happened in private and not at a family party anyway. Your family can call you and ask how you are, or see you individually, but why would you do this at a party when a woman who has had multiple losses and has additional diffuses in processing and expressing feelings? It just seems a bit selfish to expect that at a group gathering.

Why is all this aimed at the SIL? Surely it’s between the brothers and their relationship.

The selfish sil is the one that needs to make the apology and build bridges!
what’s the op to build a bridge about? Having the audacity to get pregnant first?

As someone who struggled with their fertility and suffered losses, I think your SIL and BIL have behaved badly towards you.

I (and my DH) went through a phase when family, friends and colleagues were falling pregnant and having babies. Some had their first, second and sometimes third and we were still trying for our first.

Everytime there was a pregnancy announcement I would suck it up, smile and congratulate them. I was genuinely happy for them, why should my struggles take away their joy.

Personally, I wouldn’t be able to move on. Going forward, surround yourself with people who make you feel good, who love you and your daughter. Life is too short to be around those that make you feel bad about yourselves.

Totally understandable for SIL to feel what she feels but I would not expect it to extend to ignoring a whole new person for two years!

If she didn't have her baby would she have just ignored you all for life??!!

I genuinely don't understand the level of enmeshment some families have.

My partner sees his sister at christmas easter and mother's day, possibly. I see her even less as I dont go to their mother's day celebration for their mother.

Meal cinema and board games night sounds over the top and suffocating.

They're her parents, not yours. Parents are always going to be closer to their daughter than their son's wife. Sorry it's just the way it is.

Also do you have any idea how hard multiple losses of pregnancy are?

What was it you wanted for your child? Around of applause every time, a bow? What? Your husband or partner?Sister doesn't have to like you and doesn't have to be involved in your lives. Cards at birthdays are enough.

in an ideal world of course it would go like that. But I am guessing the op wants to sort this out because she posted asking for advice. The op might be prepared to be the bigger person - she may want family events to be less stressful or for the cousins to play together. If the op has asked for advice on how to sort it out - people telling her it’s her s’n’laws job to sort it out but clearly the s’n’law is not going to. So op has a choice - leave it as the status quo or try and sort herself.