Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

Agreed! They can honestly piss off

And having a terrible time is an excuse for rude and unpleasant behaviour? No. Unless she takes responsibility for her behaviour now and tries to make amends there is no reason whatsoever that op should turn a blind eye to it. Sil made op's pregnancy all about her, but it wasn't about her. Awful narcissistic behaviour.

Sorry this happened to you but it is not at all comparable to the OP’s situation

She sounds mental. I’d be quite happy to not have a relationship with her. Why bother?

1. I didn't compare reactions - I didn't state how my friend reacted. I said the strength of SIL reaction made me scarred to share with other people, who were also going through difficulties.
2. That's why we weren't untactful. We messaged them separately, before anyone else. We wanted them to have time to process it. I would never be so insensitive as to tell her in person, with a big smile on my face (wow, that would be awful)! We always had empathy and knew it would be hard for them.
3. This is really helpful to hear, and I have thought about this myself. If this is the case, it's a shame, but I guess the cousins won't have a relationship. My daughter now has plenty of other children in her life as I've built a circle around me. So I guess like some of the others said, family aren't really important.
4. It didn't happen two years ago. That's the issue. It is unavoidable at family events, with her refusing to talk, turning away, running away, etc. I am a sensitive person, and it makes me sad. But, you're right, I do need to move on from her (just hard when we are in the same family, if it was a 'friend' I would just cut them out).

Your DH’s family have all behaved badly - grief is not an excuse for your BIL/SIL behaviour towards you. It all sounds very hurtful.

What does your DH think/feel about his brother and wife's behaviour and what does he want from them going forwards?

It’s his family, he needs to set the tone of the relationship not you.

There are separate issues.

Sil just couldn’t bare even looking at a pregnant reminder of her loss but tried to overall social with her Asd likely making those social interactions harder as well.

The rest of the family acted how they wanted however. They chose to not talk about your pregnancy or baby or whatever.

Also surely there were times you were together without sil and bil for them to be all excited ?

I’ve actually been on both sides of this. I’ve been the one going through losses and also the one who’s been pregnant, whilst others have gone through reoccurring loss.

I completely understand how you feel whilst also understanding how your SIL feels. It’s such an awkward, delicate situation.

I pretty much avoided my closest friend during her pregnancy and turned down her baby shower, didn’t meet her DD until she was months old. I still hold guilt for that but going through losses especially with ones that meant we “should” of had babies together was so hard. I
sure she felt a bit of upset/resentment that I pulled back and maybe felt like in group settings she couldn’t express her joy in case it hurt me.

I had a healthy pregnancy in 2023 and I’m now pregnant again with my second and a couple of my friends are now going through losses/infertility and it is hard when they pull back but I’ve been in their shoes so I understand it more.

I’m sorry you felt sometimes you had to suppress your joy, I know it’s hard but please hold some grace for your SIL. You can’t understand the devastation of loss until you’ve been there. It’s so hard watching other pregnancies thrive. She was no doubt happy for you but jealous and sad for her. She should have been the first to have the grandchild, she lost her babies and then you get pregnant and its a big reminder for her x

It would’ve been understandable for them to put some distance between you during your pregnancy but actively ignoring you, your DH and your daughter is absolutely appalling behaviour. I wouldn’t want people like this in my life.

Just want to add avoiding your DD for 2 years is upsetting behaviour and maybe I’d speak to SIL about this

I’d ignore SIL too. I’d avoid her as much as possible.

I think @Diamondsareagirlsbestfrien is very wise in her posting.

Look, families are stuffed with trauma and this is hard because you were a huge part of it. However, they are still your family and it will be much easier if you can just put aside the past as much as possible and focus on the here and now, and hopefully have two cousins who love each other.

If it wasn't this trauma it would probably be something else!

Your feelings really run deep here - totally right and understandable - and I wonder if talking it through with a counsellor or similar might help you to resolve this in a way that provides for a lighter future for everyone. It's been shite but you can only change your own response to this. Be the bigger person here. Fractured families leave deep wounds. See if you can heal.

Not having a relationship with your child is terrible behaviour and that needs to stop. You can choose to let the rest go but punishing a child for their awful experiences is not on. Try to address this calmly with her and say you would like to establish a relationship now.

Has your husband ever asked his brother directly about this?

Well, I don’t disagree, but I was responding to another poster who explicitly equated the OP’s pain with her SIL’s.

This will also be very harmful to your child as she gets a little older, she will have no understanding of the backstory (obviously, she’s a child) but it will affect her to be ignored. So I’d think carefully about putting her in situations where she is with them eg family events.

Do they talk to your DH when you and your daughter aren’t there?

I would actually return the very same energy. Just be distant and wouldn’t bother to acknowledge them or their child either. They didn’t feel an ounce of anything to write your child off, so why would you want to be the bigger person and try bending over to please these people. They have shown you exactly what they’re like and any relationship with them will be fake anyway. So I would just take them as they are and give them the same treatment back.

Thank you. I definitely do not agree with SIL ignoring her niece but I know everyone deals with things differently.

After I got pregnant again and had a successful pregnancy in 2023 me and my closest friend had a chat, I told her how I felt during her pregnancy and why I pulled back and she told me she understood and why she also felt hurt. We put everything behind us and now we meet up regularly with our children and they get on well!

I’m glad my friend gave me grace rather than just seeing everything with eyes of resentment.

Has she and your BIL acknowledged you and your baby since? If they make a sincere effort to have a relationship with you and your child now, I would forgive them and move on. If not - they can fuck off, tbh.

We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on.

Why do people do this? Here, have some flowers that will also die to remind you of your dead baby. Then you can throw them away.

I’d run away from someone continually asking how I was feeling and getting on as well, especially when they have no idea.

Just accept that there isn’t a friendship or relationship left now and you can both get on separately with your own lives.

Having a rough time emotionally doesn't give you the right to bully someone. Her behaviour absolutely crossed the line into bullying from your description. Finding it difficult, not seeing each other as much socially, being a bit sensitive about certain comments - fine. Pretending you don't exist at social events and blanking you and your child - grossly unacceptable and bullying behaviour.

OP, I am so sorry. I am autistic, I have had miscarriages, I never expected anyone to pander beyond the day or so after. Yes, I felt grief, no, I didn’t want other people to adjust their lives around it. I also have a dear friend who will never be able to have children. I am careful around her, but she has always shared my joy in my children. Not okay and not normal.

There isn't a friendship because of the SIL being a massive twat. She had absolutely no right to take out her own personal pain on her sister-in-law or her sister-in-law's child. She should be apologising - especially now she's had a child of her own - but she isn't. She sounds awful. Being ND is no excuse. I'm ND and capable of not treating family members as my emotional punchbags.

Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective.

What you have done with your friend is exactly what I would like us to do. I would like us to talk about it (I am very doubtful BIL/SIL will do this as they do not readily share thoughts and feelings). Or at least, for us to build bridges by just speaking and acting normally again. This would absolutely heal things. I do try to say hello and make some small talk at events, but have given up really as it is quite clear she does not want to speak to me.

I just have a feeling that me and my daughter will always remind her of her loss. And I think the actively looking in the opposite direction, turning away, running away at family events will continue.

As others have suggested, I will speak to MIL/in-laws about this. Obviously I do hope that we can have a bit more of a normal relationship moving forward.