Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

Still your family means you are giving people permission to treat you badly because they are family.
It doesn't work like that. If you wouldn't take bad behaviour from a friend you shouldn't take it from the family.
There's no obligations to have relationships with people because they are related.

I do really feel for you and I understand it’s even harder when your niece isn’t being seen by her auntie.

Like I say I’ve been on both sides, whilst it’s harder being on the side of the one with losses it doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid and it can be really hurtful as well when you feel pushed to the side because you are pregnant.

I hope you manage to build bridges. Could you perhaps send your sister in law a message “Me and DD would love to come and visit new baby, let me know if you’d like us to come over”

If I was you, I'd have some quite stern words with your ILs and say you won't be attending family events with your daughter if this rude behaviour continues. You don't have to put up with it for the sake of 'keeping the peace.' It's completely illogical that your child should remind your SIL of her 'dead babies' (although early miscarriages are usually because the pregnancy was never going to be viable so that's an unnecessarily emotive descriptor). She's chosen to blame you and your child for her miscarriages and that is absolutely not on you at all. She's clearly being pandered to by her family. They're probably all scared of her mood swings.

I wouldn't put up with this - but that's just me. I certainly wouldn't be bringing my child into an environment where she was effectively being bullied by a grown adult and everyone was turning a blind eye though.

I am surprised that some PPs seem to think OP should be the one to build bridges and try to placate SIL. A SIL who feels content to treat a child with contempt. That isn’t OPs job

Hard agree! Miscarrying doesn't give you a pass to be a monster to other people.

That's really complicated, but I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'd be inclined to ignore them just like they chose to ignore me, even though I'd be sympathetic. Sad as it is, it's not your burden to carry.

I’m the one who suggested that and I agree with you that SIL has been unfair to ignore OP’s child and I agree words need to be said.

I have a wonderful friend who went through many, many losses and I know she has pulled back and avoided people and their young children due to her hurt. Once she had her DD finally after so much loss and heartbreak she did apologise and explain she was extremely depressed and in pain and she of course was forgiven.

I think maybe a deeper issue here is SIL/BIL have not explained to OP or DH that they’re finding things painful which is poor communication

Did you not confront her ignoring you when she first started doing it? E.g. “Hi SIL, I’ve noticed recently that when I speak to you, you don’t respond. I hope I haven’t inadvertently hurt or offended you. Could we talk about it please?”

I’m also curious OP at these events did you actively go out of your way to chat to SIL and BIL as well and was just ignored? You said hello did they respond? I’m just wondering if maybe you both avoided each other by accident. Did you maybe feel SIL didn’t want to come to you, so you never went to her?

No, the issue is that they've now had a kid and the rude, nasty behaviour is still ongoing. There's been no apology or explanation and it's clear there's not going to be.

SIL sounds like a narcissist tbh.

I think basically bullying a child is pretty unforgivable. I just think if anyone makes the first move it should be the SIL/BIL.

Granting grace to your friend who understandably struggled is wonderful, but SIL/BIL don’t deserve the same type of grace.

I just think it's sad. Sad that someone else's happiness took away some of the sparkle of your own. SIL is precious, I know it hurts but surely being able to actually look at you or talk to you wouldn't have been that impossible at the time. I am sorry that it's still ongoing, I'd try and find a way to mentally walk away. Enjoy your own little family and don't let anyone ruin another moment, don't let them have that power. You know you did nothing to deserve any of this behaviour.

I had it the other way. Had close friends growing up who, while we didn't live near each other anymore, we kept in touch via messages and phone calls. Both didn't tell me they were pregnant for fear of upsetting me. I got very ill when I was 29, which stopped the ability of having children. But thing is, their action, although I understood trying to be kind, was worse. Of course I'd want to hear the happy news and share in their excitement! That's what good friends do. I've never felt jealousy or resentment to any mum, ever and I didn't think I ever gave cause for someone to feel like I did.

Wow you are definitely not unreasonable, your SIL has behaved appallingly- and I speak as someone who has been in her situation.
I wouldn’t want any kind of relationship with someone so self-absorbed that they treated me so badly.
To be honest I feel for her baby daughter having such an emotionally immature mother. Hope she never does anything to upset her!
Ridiculous that the whole family pandered to her behaviour too - clearly she is a certain personality type.

Yes, I go out of my way to try and talk to her. When she sees me, she turns and half runs in the opposite direction (i'm not exaggerating here). When I do manage to force a hello, she would turn around and leave as soon as possible. Prior to this, we were friends and she was probably the person I would speak the most at family gatherings.

The whole of his family noticed it, and in private said that it was bad behaviour. No one ever addressed it to them.

I think I mentioned to my partner once about whether he would raise it, but he didn't. He's the youngest of his siblings, and I have noticed he finds it hard to be assertive, bold, open, however you want to put it, with his family.

If it were me, I would 100000% be raising it. I would not let my family treat me in this way, without saying something. But it's harder when it's your in-laws.

This.

Absolute nut nut. Avoid.

Also agree. Ignore her right back, doesn’t sound like a loss.

I think being tactful about what they say in front of her was very much the right thing to do - didnt you have lots of opps to talk about your pregnancy with your parents without her there? If not you should have made some. It would be so insensitive not to take that into account and be awful to send her crying in the bathroom. Your bad luck is the timing of your pregnancy falling when it did in relation to her - hers is the miscarriages. I know whose position I'd rather be in.

I agree it's hurtful she is still not talking to you much but maybe she can sense your anger and maybe she is ashamed or embarrassed of how it was before. Just keep being friendly and it may warm up.

You have no idea how you'd be acting in her shoes so hard to judge her I guess.

Oh right… well my tune has been changed then I do think that’s massively rude from her. At least I told my friend why I had to avoid her during her pregnancy and although it took me a couple of months to visit her and DD.. it was only a couple of months! Ignoring you and DD like this for 2 years is mental.

Really shoddy behaviour from your SIL. Millions of women/couplesgo through these horrible conflicting emotions surrounding babies but manage to put a brave face on and understand that their time will come. I have been through it myself and never let it come between me and my loved ones. Really really selfish behaviour. You are being really generous to even consider rebuilding a relationship with them, with the only stipulation being that they acknowledge you. You and your baby are worth so much more.

YANBU

Regardless of any diagnoses they didn't need to treat you and your baby as pariahs.

I'd keep oit of her way from now and be glad I didn't have any relationship with her.

I wouldnt be trying to repair any relationships with her either.

I've had pregnancy loss and found it difficult to have children.
It's hard. But nothing gives her the right to treat you like that.
You smile, give congratulations and cry in private. And then you get over it.

Maybe the world is different now. But crap happens and you deal with it and try and get over it.

YANBU.

Thing is, same thing will happen again if you have a second and they don’t. It’s all about her, and her worldview. I wouldn’t bother my arse with them.

YANBU.

Drop the rope - let them do what they want and stop the approaches. They have shown you who they are by ostracising you all for three years when you had done nothing wrong. I wouldn't be chasing after people like this.

If there is to be a recovery of any relationship then they can make the first move and hopefully start with a heartfelt apology.

I think I agree to an extent and that’s probably why I tried to say about giving SIL grace as I’ve been on both sides.

That doesn’t mean OP can’t find it rude or hurtful

I think SIL/BIL downfall here is that neither made the effort to speak to OP or her DH about WHY they were avoiding and struggling. They just chose to let the behaviours continue and have lost a relationship with their innocent neice

So why is she still acting like this now?