Sister-in-law won't look at me and runs away from me!

[TiredMummaChlo]

This is a long story - I will try to condense it. I am looking to vent and get advice (AIBU doesn't really fit, but couldn't find a better category).

My sister-in-law had several early pregnancy losses. We were so sad for her. We sent her flowers, would always ask how she is feeling and getting on. She is didn't really ever discuss with us, which is understandable. It might be worth mentioning she is on the autistic spectrum. I can't quite imagine how awful these losses must have been, as you must be grieving the life, hope and joy you thought you were going to have.

We used to be friends with BIL/SIL - go out for meals, cinema, boardgames nights, etc. Then got pregnant. We messaged BIL/SIL first, to express their might be mixed feelings, but I am pregnant. The invites then stopped...

At social events, my SIL would not say hello, not look at me, when she saw me she would turn and walk the other way. When sitting at dinner tables, she would spend the whole time looking at the ceiling or opposite direction to me. During my pregnancy, my in-laws would start talking about 'being a nanny for the first time...' etc. then immediately cut their sentence off, with worried expressions, as they realised SIL could hear. It was like the family couldn't feel joy for us.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the time. My SILs reaction to my pregnancy made me feel so terrified to tell my friend I was expecting - as I thought maybe react the same. I felt really alone and had no other friends with babies. I remember crying at a midwife appointment about it.

All of the above continued after having my lovely now two-year-old. No acknowledgement of her, no talking to her, etc.

As of the end of January 2026, BIL/SIL have welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am so glad that they have had their baby. But I also feel resentment - that they could have their pregnancy, the family were allowed to feel and express full joy, that they are now allowed to discuss their birth openly, have full support, etc. I just feel resentment that we weren't allowed to have this, and that my BIL wasn't there for his brother after a horrendously traumatic birth.

I can definitely get over all of the above, so long as SIL/BIL do actually start talking to us again at family events, looking at us, acknowledging my daughter, etc. I know we will never be such close friends again now, but I just hope they can act normal with us. I don't want to feel these feelings when my MIL is talking to me about SIL. I just want to get over it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences, or have any advice?

She sounds like a decent sort who'll rise above it. But she shouldn't need to be the 'better person' in this scenario. She's done nothing wrong.

Absolute chnts. It was not their fault but not your fault either. But overall, they can treat u whatever way they want in their small minds but to not even acknowledge ur lovely daughter through no fault of her own that’s unforgivable and I would not be speaking to HER!!!!

if she spoke to you anytime I would honestly tell her to go fuck herself and stare at ceilings again.

Why was Op’s pregnancy not important, but SIL must be protected?

Yes, but when you say "still", it is very early days. Many people connect pregnancy loss with the subsequent pregnancy and birth.

Yes, I doubt the OP’s BIL and SIL are having summits about how to manage relations with the wider family, they’re just pie-eyed with exhaustion like most first-time parents of a newborn.

Give them a chance to adjust to parenthood before you start inventing ‘normality’ tests for them to fail, OP?

Your post does read slightly as though you’re saying ‘Phew! Now they’ve had a baby, I no longer have to feel sorry for them or be sensitive to their evident and inconvenient distress! Now I can expect them to be normal again!’

Take that up with the people who treated op like that. Not sil who just avoided the op.

If it were me, I'd work hard to forget about her and BIL's reaction during the pregnancy - miscarriages are hard and not knowing if you will ever have a baby is hard and quite a lot of women find other women's pregnancies hard during times like this.

That they won't look at or interact with your actual child- now a toddler - well I just couldn't be bothered with them for that. The pp who forever associates a particular nephew with her pregnancy loss and it affects her relationship with him - in my opinion she needs help with that because that is not normal and not nice and just accepting it as one of those things is unhealthy.

Back to OP, BIL and SIL are not trustworthy and not friends. Just drop the rope. Stop expecting anything of them. The friendship you had is gone. Don't bother trying to connect with SIL. Just smile and nod if necessary at family get togethers and move on with your own friendships etc. I'm kind of with your DH - what point would there be to trying to have a conversation. If, after they have their own baby, they still ignore your toddler - what would be the point?

She's not looking for a blowout though is she? She's not said she's any intention of confronting her.

Also there's a massive difference between 'blowing smoke up someone's arse' about being pregnant and being, you know, a normal, decent human being who says 'congratulations on your pregnancy' rather than running away from them and their child and ignoring them completely for the next TWO YEARS.

Is that so hard to work out?

She's ignored the OP for two years now. She's clearly never going to explain or apologise.

Surprised that being rude and unpleasant to a 2-year-old gets a pass on MN if you've experienced early miscarriages. Personally, I'm of the strong belief that you don't take your shit out on other people. No exceptions.

@Calliopespa No, pray enlighten me.

I suspect it will pass when their baby is older. A pregnancy and birth makes child loss raw. Now just isn't the time.

Because she and her husband just clearly hurt too much from loosing too many babies.

So they just avoided op and have done for two years. Although they send ops child birthday cards.

Bringing up that it hurt you that she wast happy when you was pregnant over 2 years ago and is pretty much no contact with you isn’t what anyone should do to a couple who’s just had a baby.

Take the hint that they don’t want a relationship and move on or await an olive branch from them reaching out to fix it.

I would tread carefully. I don’t know if the emotional toll of all of her experiences will put her at risk of PND? Or health / SIDS anxiety around her child. She has been through a lot and seems that you have held back and resentment has grown for you. Not sure now is the time to put it the boot in. What else is going on for you right now? Can you intentionally build a life so connected and fulfilling that the irrational and dysregulated emotions of another woman enduring multiple compounding traumas don’t get under your skin and preoccupy your thoughts.

What is the resolution for you? To tell her off? To complain to MIL and get her on your side? To finally get to treat her with distain and hurt her like she hurt you?

How will this resolve for you?

SIL iced op out and went from being close to her to ignoring her and refusing to even look at her in front of other people which is pretty humiliating for op. And stressful for everyone around who obviously felt they couldn't celebrate op. And also iced out and refused to acknowledge the existence of her niece for 2 years.

It's not about blowing smoke up anyone's arse, it's more nasty than that. And like I said, I get the WHY. I just don't think that means op must swallow her (valid) hurt and humiliation.

Because the op's pregnancy was not a reliving of a lost pregnancy.

Of course the SIL's behaviour is not how anyone would counsel someone to behave; but it is so patently an inability to process the trauma that to seems cruel to berate her for it.

So you think her pregnancy was more important?

It wasn’t.

Are you really this confused?

No-one said anything about "important." It was about how two different women in different circumstances reacted to their pregnancies.

Importance doesn't come into it.

Well, think about the logistics of not being able to look at someone but being all over their baby and then toddler? When do you engage with the baby? Only when it’s being held by someone other than its parents?

Hang on a minute - so it's fine for the couple who've just had a baby to treat the OTHER couple really badly when they just had a baby? So one rule for one and another for everyone else? Having early miscarriages means you can be a total dick to a new mother and she just has to suck it up? Well OK then.

I was (am) in her shoes.
Not everyone acts like this.

I'm not going to 'think about those logistics' because being a grown woman who can't look another grown woman - who has done absolutely nothing wrong - in the face is batshit.

I had an identical situation with a SIL. You have to move on like it never happened. It rankles, of course it does. I have very little to do with her due to distance and that suits me very well. To preempt any back lash my pregnancy was a twin loss pregnancy so yes, I get the loss side of things, and the fear of losing another loud and clear. Interestingly no one, literally no one showed me any kindness, sympathy or understanding for my twin loss. It was pretty much, well you've still got one so what's the problem? So the fact everyone fell over themselves for SIL was doubly annoying.

People are annoying though. Just park it and move on. It's all you can do! They aren't going to suddenly change, they will never feel they have done anything wrong.

If they continue to ignore your now TWO year old and you that’s absolutely appalling.
i can’t believe the PILs excuse and enable that.
i can understand some reactions around pregnancy but this behaviour now is inexcusable.
ASD, child loss, whatever.
she functions in the society and presumably has a job; ASD is just an excuse at this point. She’s just a self centred twat, and a cruel twat that takes this out on a 2 year old.

Is being no contact with people treating them badly?

Because that’s what it seems the Sil and her husband have done.

Doesn’t seem like an ultimatum of us or them at family events was issued either just a no contact ignoring.

Which also didn’t happen just after op gave birth it was way before.

Im no contact with a family member. I wouldn’t ever make other family members pick a side but I wouldn’t talk to them if we were in the same place and I would walk away if they approached me.